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COUNT  TOLSTOI'S    WORKS. 

ANNA   KAR^NINA $1.75 

CHILDHOOD,  BOYHOOD,  AND  YOUTH    .  1.50 

IVAN  ILYITCH 1.25 

MY   RELIGION 1.00 

MY  CONFESSION 1.00 

WHAT  TO   DO? 1.25 

THE   INVADERS 1.25 

A   RUSSIAN   PROPRIETOR.    (In  Press.) 

THOMAS  Y.  CROWELL  &  CO., 

PUBLISHERS. 
13  ASTOR   PLACE,   NEW  YORK. 


MY  CONFESSION 


AND 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING 


BY 


COUNT  LYOF  N.  TOLSTOI 


GTransIateo  from  tfje  ftuggtan 


NEW  YORK 

THOMAS    Y.    CROWELL   &    CO. 
No.  13  Astor  Placb 


'V  **  **$•>*-? 


Copyright,  1887, 
By  Thomas  Y.  Croweix  &  Co. 


Bff/as- 

iiij 


CONTENTS. 


MY    CONFESSION. 

CHAPTER  PAGK 

I.  —  Youthful  beliefs  —  Precocious  scepticism — Athe- 

ism at  college  —  Demetry  Tolstoi's  mysticism  — 
How  one  ceases  to  believe  —  Orthodoxy  not  a 
security  for  virtue  —  History  of  S.  —  Faith  in 
perfection 1 

II.  —  Youthful  passions  —  The  author  begins  to  write 

—  Theories  of  creative  artists  regarding  life  — 
That  they  are  superior  beings  and  that  their  voca- 
tion is  the  instruction  of  mankind  —  The  author 
refuses  to  believe  this  —  The  true  desire  of  the 
apostles  of  culture  is  to  receive  as  much  money 
and  as  much  praise  as  possible 9 

III.  —  The  author  travels  —  His  faith  in  perfection 
increased  by  his  contact  with  European  civiliza- 
tion—  This  faith  shattered  by  witnessing  the 
execution  of  a  criminal  at  Paris  —  Death  of  the 
author's  brother  —  The  author  establishes  peasant 
schools  —  New  travels  abroad  —  Judicial  service, 
teaching,  journalism  —  Mental  disease  —  Depart- 
ure for  the  Steppes  —  Marriage  —  The  influence 
of  family  life  —  The  author  continues  to  write  — 
A  crisis  —  Life  has  no  joys  if  we  do  not  know  its 
meaning  —  Morally  speaking,  the  author  feels 
himself  incapable  of  life 11 

v 


629 


VI  CONTENTS. 

IV.  —  Life  an  absurdity  —  Suicide  contemplated  — 
Meanwhile  the  author  lives  in  luxury  and  his 
physical  health  is  perfect  —  Life  an  ugly  practical 
joke  played'  by  some  unknown  power  —  There  is 
nothing,  there  never  was  anything,  there  never 
will  be  anything  in  life  —  An  Oriental  fable  —  The 
impossibility  of  not  thinking  —  The  terrors  of  un- 
certainty —  Immediate  death  far  preferable  ...      26 

V.  —  Looking  for  the  secret  of  life  —  Exact  sciences  — 

Theoretical  sciences  —  Cessation  of  development 
—  Science  ignores  the  question  of  life  —  The 
search  after  theories  —  The  emptiness  of  philos- 
ophy      36 

VI. — Man  astray  —  What  is  the  meaning  of  life?  — - 
Socrates  —  Schopenhauer  —  Solomon  —  Buddha — 
Death  worth  more  than  life  —  Life  should  be 
surrendered 48 

VII.  —  Four  methods  —  Ignorance  —  Epicureanism  — 
Suicide  —  Acquiescence  —  Do  not  realize  that  life 
is  absurd  —  Get  what  you  can  out  of  life  and 
never  think  of  the  future  —  Understand  that  life 
is  an  evil  and  kill  yourself  —  Know  that  life  is 
unprofitable  and  still  live  —  The  author  asks  him- 
self if  he  has  ignored  any  essential  fact  or  if  there 

is  any  error  in  his  reasoning 62 

VIII.  —  Where  is  the  mistake  ?  —  The  author  has  con- 
sidered only  the  artificial  life  of  his  own  class  — 
He  believed  that  the  life  of  the  masses  was  of  no 
consequence  —  And  yet  the  masses  formulate  the 
question  of  life  and  solve  it  with  astonishing 
clearness  —  But  their  solution  is  founded  on  a 
faith  which  the  author  no  longer  possesses  —  A 
terrible  dilemma 72 


CONTENTS.  Vll 

IX.  —  The  author's  mistake  —  He  has  tried  to  solve, 
not  the  question  of  life,  but  the  question  of  his 
own  life  —  In  faith  alone  is  the  possibility  of  life 
—  Without  faith,  life  is  impossible  —  In  the  solu- 
tions offered  by  faith  there  is  profound  human 
wisdom 78 

X.  —  The  author  studies  religions  —  He  mingles  with 

believers  and  theologians  —  The  author  is  alarmed 
and  again  in  despair  —  The  lives  of  these  men  do 
not  correspond  with  their  professions  —  The  faith 
of  these  people  is  not  the  faith  for  which. the 
author  seeks  —  He  mingles  with  the  common  peo- 
ple, with  fanatics  and  sectarians  —  He  finds  a  true 
faith  —  He  believes  that  he  has  grasped  the  mean- 
ing of  life 88 

XI.  —  Everything  clear  —  The  insanity  of  the  race  — 
What  has  the  author  done  for  thirty  years  ?  — 
To  understand  the  will  of  the  Regulator  of  the 
universe  one  must  carry  out  that  wrill  —  The  wise 

and  the  simple 96 

XII.  —  The  life  of  a  parasite  and  the  true  life  —  Seek- 
ing after  God  —  If  God,  Cause  of  all  causes,  ex- 
ists, life  is  possible  —  The  problem  unsolved  — 
The  bird  falls  from  the  nest  —  And  yet  lives  — 
Aspirations  of  life  —  Despair  —  Man  adrift  and 
God  the  shore 102 

XIII.  —  The  life  of  the  world  a  travesty  of  life  —  To 
understand  life  we  must  apply  to  those  who  pro- 
duce life  and  give  it  a  meaning—  The  author 
accepts  all  rites  inspired  by  faith  —  Reasons  for 
this  —  The  arguments  of  theologians  —  Reserva- 
tions in  the  author's  faith 112 


Vlli  CONTENTS. 

XIV.  —  Ritual  not  understood  —  The  author  adheres 
to  ceremonial  —  Religious  ideas  of  the  people  — 
Reading  the  lives  of  saints  and  martyrs    ....     120 

XY.  —  The  author  envies  the  simple  beliefs  of  the 
people  —  Orthodoxy  —  New  problems  —  The  Or- 
thodox Church  and  other  churches  —  Men  of  dif- 
ferent faiths  treat  one  another  as  heretics  —  The 
author  tries  to  conciliate  different  Christian  com- 
munities —  Reply  of  a  Russian  priest  —  The  author 
renounces  Orthodoxy  —  The  Orthodox  Church  and 
its  indorsement  of  war 126 

XVI.  —  There  are  falsehoods  in  faith  —  The  author 
searches  the  Scriptures  —  The  fruits  of  his  studies 
to  form  a  book:  M y  Eelig ion 135 

Conclusion 138 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

Preface 145 

Introduction 165 

I. —The  Son  of  God 167 

Man,  the  Son  of  God,  powerless  in  the  flesh,  is 
free  in  the  spirit.     (Our  Father.) 

II 170 

And  therefore  man  must  work,  not  for  the 
flesh,  but  according  to  the  spirit.  ( Which  art  in 
heaven,) 


CONTENTS.  IX 

III H3 

From  the  spirit  of  the  Father  hath  proceeded 
the  life  of  all  men.     {Hallowed  be  thy  name.) 

IY.  —  The  Kingdom  of  God 176 

And,  therefore,  the  will  of  the  Father  is  that  all 
men  should  have  life  and  happiness.  {Thy  king- 
dom come. ) 

V.  —  The  True  Life 180 

The  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the  Father  gives  a 
true  life.     ( Thy  will  be  done. ) 

VI. —  A  False  Life 186 

And  therefore,  in  order  to  attain  to  a  true  life, 
a  man  on  earth  must  abstain  from  the  false  life 
of  the  flesh,  and  live  in  the  spirit.  ( On  earth  as 
in  heaven. ) 

VII.  —  I   AND   THE  FATHEK  ARE    ONE 195 

The  true  food  of  life  is  fulfilment  of  the  will  of 
the  Father,  and  union  with  Him.  ( Give  us  this 
day  our  daily  bread.) 

VIII.  —  Life  not  in  Time 203 

Therefore  a  man  really  lives  when  he  thinks 
only  of  fulfilling  the  will  of  the  Father  in  the 
present,  and  leaves  all  thought  of  the  past  and  of 
the  future.  {Give  us  now  our  daily  bread,  and 
forgive  us  our  trespasses  as  we  forgive  them  that 
trespass  against  us. ) 

IX.  —  Temptations 209 

The  delusions  of  the  individual  and  temporal 
life  hide  from  men  the  true  life,  which  alone  is 
real,  in  union  with  the  Father.  {Lead  us  not  into 
temptation.) 


X  CONTENTS. 

X.  —  The  Struggle  against  Temptation   .    .    .    218 

Therefore  to  get  rid  of  evil,  we  must,  every 
hour  of  our  life,  be  in  unity  with  the  Father. 
(Lead  us  not  into  temptation.) 

XI.  —  The  Farewell  Discourse 227 

Personal  life  is  a  deception  of  the  flesh,  an  evil. 
True  life  is  the  life  which  is  common  to  all  men. 
{But  deliver  us  from  the  evil  one. ) 

XII.  —  The  Victory  op  the  Spirit  over  the 
Flesh .233 

Therefore,  for  the  man  who  lives  not  a  personal 
life,  but  in  the  common  life  which  is  through  the 
will  of  the  Father,  there  is  no  evil.  The  death  of 
the  body  is  union  with  the  Father.  ( Thine  be  the 
kingdom,  the  power,  and  the  glory.) 

The  Conclusion.     To  understand  Life  is  to 
do  Good 241 

The  good  tidings  of  Jesus  Christ  is  the  revela- 
tion of  the  understanding  of  life. 


MY  CONFESSION. 


MY  CONFESSION. 


I  was  christened  and  educated  in  the  faith  of 
the  Orthodox  Greek  Church ;  I  was  taught  it 
in  my  childhood,  and  I  learned  it  in  ray  youth. 
Nevertheless,  at  eighteen  years  of  age,  when  I 
quitted  the  university,  I  had  discarded  all 
belief  in  anything  that  I  had  been  taught. 
To  judge  by  what  I  can  now  remember,  I 
could  never  have  had  a  very  serious  belief;  it 
must  have  been  a  kind  of  trust  in  this  teach- 
ing, based  on  one  in  my  teachers  and  elders, 
and,  moreover,  a  trust  not  very  firmly 
grounded. 

I  remember  once  in  my  twelfth  year,  a  boy, 

now  long  since  dead,  Vladimir  M ,  a  pupil 

in  a  gymnasium,  spent  a  Sunday  with  us,  and 

brought  us  the  news  of  the  last  discovery  in  the 

gymnasium,  namely,  that  there  was  no  God, 

1 


2  MY  CONFESSION. 

and  that  all  we  were  taught  on  the  subject  was 
a  mere  invention  (this  was  in  1838).  I  remem- 
ber well  how  interested  my  elder  brothers  were 
in  this  news ;  I  was  admitted  to  their  delibera- 
tions, and  wTe  all  eagerly  accepted  the  theory 
as  something  particularly  attractive  and  possi- 
bly quite  true.  I  remember,  also,  that  when 
my  elder  brother,  Demetry,  then  at  the  univer- 
sity, with  the  impulsiveness  natural  to  his 
character,  gave  himself  up  to  a  passionate  faith, 
began  to  attend  the  church  services  regularly, 
to  fast,  and  to  lead  a  pure  and  moral  life,  we  all 
of  us,  and  some  older  than  ourselves,  never 
ceased  to  hold  him  up  to  ridicule,  and  for  some 
incomprehensible  reason  gave  him  the  nick- 
name of  Noah.  I  remember  that  Moussin- 
Poushkin,  the  then  curator  of  the  University 
of  Kazan,  having  invited  us  to  a  ball,  tried  to 
persuade  my  brother,  who  had  refused  the 
invitation,  by  the  jeering  argument  that  even 
David  danced  before  the  Ark. 

I  sympathized  then  with  these  jokes  of  my 
elders,  and  drew  from  them  this  conclusion, 
that  I  was  bound  to  learn  my  catechism,  and 
go  to  church,  but  that  it  was  not  necessary  to 


MY  CONFESSION:  3 

think  of  my  religious  duties  more  seriously. 
I  also  remember  that  I  real  Voltaire  when  I 
was  very  young,  and  that  his  tone  of  mockery 
amused  without  disgusting  me.  The  gradual 
estrangement  from  all  belief  went  on  in  me,  as 
it  does,  and  always  has  done,  in  those  of  the 
same  social  position  and  culture.  This  falling  / 
off,  as  it  seems  to  me,  for  the  most  part  goes  on 
as  follows :  —  people  live  as  others  live,  and 
their  lives  are  guided,  not  by  the  principles  of 
the  faith  which  is  taught  them,  but  by  their 
very  opposite ;  belief  has  no  influence  on  life, 
nor  on  the  relations  between  men  —  it  is  rele- 
gated to  some  other  sphere  where  life  is  not ; 
if  the  two  ever  come  into  contact  at  all,  belief 
is  only  one  of  the  outward  phenomena,  and  not 
one  of  the  constituent  parts  of  life. 

By  a  man's  life,  by  his  acts,  it  was  then,  as  it 
is  now,  impossible  to  know  whether  he  was  a 
believer  or  not.  If  there  be  a  difference  be- 
tween one  who  openly  professes  the  doctrines 
of  the  Orthodox  Church,  and  one  who  denies 
them,  the  difference  is  to  the  advantage  of  the 
former.  The  open  profession  of  the  Orthodox 
doctrines  is  mostly   found   among   persons   of 


4  MY  CONFESSION. 

dull  intellects,  of  stern  character,  and  who 
think  much  of  their  own  importance.  Intel- 
ligence, honesty,  frankness,  a  good  heart,  and 
moral  conduct  are  oftener  met  witli  among1 
those  who  are  disbelievers.  The  school-boy  is 
taught  his  catechism  and  sent  to  church;  from 
the  grown  man  is  required  a  certificate  of  his 
having  taken  the  holy  communion.  A  man, 
however,  belonging  to  our  class,  neither  goes 
to  school  nor  is  bound  by  the  regulations  affect- 
ing those  in  the  public  service,  and  may  now 
live  through  long  years  —  still  more  was  this 
the  case  formerly  —  without  being  once  re- 
minded of  the  fact  that  he  lives  among  Chris- 
tians, and  calls  himself  a  member  of  the 
Orthodox  Church. 

Thus  it  happens  that  now,  as  formerly,  the 
influence  of  early  religious  teaching,  accepted 
merely  on  trust  and  upheld  by  authority,  grad- 
ually fades  away  under  the  knowledge  and 
practical  experience  of  later  life,  which  is 
opposed  to  all  its  principles,  and  that  a  man 
often  believes  for  years  that  his  early  faith  is 
still  intact,  while  all  the  time  not  a  particle  of 
it  remains  in  him. 


MY  CONFESSION.  5 

A    certain   S ,   a   clever    and    veracious 

man,  once  related  to  me  how  he  came  to  cease 
to   believe. 

Twenty-six  years  ago,  being  on  a  hunting 
party,  before  he  lay  down  to  rest,  according  to 
a  habit  of  his  from  childhood,  he  knelt  down 
to  pray.  His  elder  brother,  who  was  of  the 
party,  lay  on   some  straw   and   watched   him. 

When  S had  finished,  and  was  preparing 

to.  lie  down,  his  brother  said  to  him,  "  Ah,  you 
still   keep  that   up?"      Nothing   more   passed 

between  them,  but  from  that  day  S ceased 

to  pray  and  to  go  to  church.     For  thirty  years 

S has  not  said  a  prayer,  has  not  taken  the 

communion,  has  not  been  in  a  church,  not 
because  he  shared  the  convictions  of  his 
brother,  or  even  knew  them,  not  because  he 
had  come  to  any  conclusions  of  his  own,  but 
because  his  brother's  words  were  like  the  push 
of  a  finger  against  a  wall  ready  to  tumble  over 
with  its  own  weight ;  they  proved  to  him  that 
what  he  had  taken  for  belief  was  an  empty 
form,  and  that  consequently  every  word  he 
uttered,  every  sign  of  the  cross  he  made,  every 
time  he  bowed  his  head  during  his  prayers,  his 


6  MY  CONFESSION. 

act  was  an  unmeaning  one.  When  lie  once 
admitted  to  himself  that  such  acts  had  no 
meaning  in  them,  he  could  not  but  discontinue 
them.  Thus  it  has  been,  and  is,  I  believe,  with 
the  large  majority  of  men. 

I  speak  of  men  of  our  class,  of  men  who  are 
true  to  themselves,  and  not  of  those  who  make 
of  religion  a  means  of  obtaining  some  temporal 
advantage.  (These  men  are  truly  absolute  un- 
believers, for  if  faith  be  to  them  a  means  of 
obtaining  any  worldly  end,  it  is  most  certainly 
no  faith  at  all.)  Such  men  of  our  own  class  are 
in  the  following  position :  the  knowledge  and 
experience  of  active  life  has  shattered  the  arti- 
ficially constructed  building  of  belief  within, 
and  they  have  either  observed  that  and  cleared 
away  the  superincumbent  ruins,  or  they  have 
remained  unconscious  of  the  destruction 
worked. 

The  belief  instilled  from  childhood,  in  me,  as 
in  so  many  others,  gradually  disappeared,  but 
with  this  difference,  that  as  from  fifteen  years 
of  age  I  had  begun  to  read  philosophical  works, 
I  was  conscious  of  my  own  disbelief.  From 
the  age  of  sixteen  I  ceased  to  pray,  and  ceased, 


MY  CONFESSION.  7 

from  conviction,  to  attend  the  services  of  the 
church  and  to  fast.  I  no  longer  accepted  the 
faith  of  my  childhood,  but  I  had  a  vague  belief 
in  something,  though  I  do  not  think  I  could 
exactly  explain  in  what.  I  believed  in  a  God, 
or  rather,  I  did  not  deny  the  existence  of  God, 
but  anything  relating  to  the  nature  of  that 
godhead  I  could  not  have  described ;  I  denied 
neither  Christ  nor  his  teaching,  but  in  what 
that  teaching  consisted  I  could  not  have  said. 

Now,  when  I  think  over  that  time,  I  see 
clearly  that  all  the  faith  I  had,  the  only  belief 
which,  apart  from  mere  animal  instinct,  swayed 
my  life,  was  a  belief  in  a  possibility  of  perfec- 
tion, though  what  it  was  in  itself,  or  what 
would  be  its  results,  I  was  unable  to  sa}^.  I 
endeavored  to  reach  perfection  in  intellect- 
ual attainments:  my  studies  were  extended 
in  every  direction  of  which  my  life  afforded  me 
a  chance ;  I  strove  to  strengthen  my  will, 
forming  for  myself  rules  which  I  forced  myself 
to  follow  ;  I  did  my  best  to  develop  my  physi- 
cal powers  by  every  exercise  calculated  to  give 
strength  and  agility,  and  by  way  of  accustom- 
ing  myself  to  patient  endurance  I  subjected 


8  MY  CONFESSION, 

myself  to  many  voluntary  hardships  and  trials 
of  privation.  All  this  I  looked  upon  as  neces- 
sary to  obtain  the  perfection  at  which  I  aimed. 
At  first,  of  course,  moral  perfection  seemed  to 
me  the  main  end,  but  I  soon  found  myself  con- 
templating in  its  stead  an  ideal  of  general  per- 
fectibility ;  in  other  words,  I  wished  to  be 
better,  not  in  my  own  eyes  nor  in  those  of 
God,  but  in  the  sight  of  other  men.  This 
feeling  again  soon  ended  in  another,  the  desire 
to  have  more  power  than  others,  to  secure  for 
myself  a  greater  share  of  fame,  of  social 
distinction,  and  of  wealth. 


II. 


At  some  future  time  I  may  relate  the  story 
of  my  life,  and  dwell  in  detail  on  the  pathetic 
and  instructive  incidents  of  my  youth.  Many 
others  must  have  passed  through  the  same  as  I 
did.  I  honestly  desired  to  make  myself  a  good 
and  virtuous  man  ;  but  I  was  young,  I  had 
passions,  and  I  stood  alone,  altogether  alone, 
in  my  search  after  virtue.  Every  time  I  tried  y 
to  express  the  longings  of  my  heart  for  a  truly 
virtuous  life,  I  was  met  with  contempt  and 
derisive  laughter,  but  directly  I  gave  way  to 
the  lowest  of  my  passions,  I  was  praised  and 
encouraged.  I  found  ambition,  love  of  power, 
love  of  gain,  lechery,  pride,  anger,  vengeance, 
held  in  high  esteem.  I  gave  way  to  these 
passions,  and  becoming  like  unto  my  elders,  I 
felt  that  the  place  which  I  filled  in  the  world 
satisfied  those  around  me.  My  kind-hearted 
aunt,  a  really  good  woman,  used  to  say  to  me, 
that  there  was  one  thing  above  all  others  which 
9 


10  MY  CONFESSION. 

she  wished  for  me  —  an  intrigue  with  a  married 
woman:  "Rien  ne  forme  un  jeune  homme, 
corarae  une  liaison  avec  une  femme  comrae  il 
faut."  Another  of  her  wishes  for  my  happi- 
ness was  that  I  should  become  an  adjutant, 
and,  if  possible,  to  the  Emperor ;  the  greatest 
happiness  of  all  for  me  she  thought  would  be 
that  I  should  find  a  wealthy  bride,  who  would 
bring  me  as  her  dowry  an  enormous  number  of 
slaves. 

I  cannot  now  recall  those  years  without  a 
painful  feeling  of  horror  and  loathing. 

I  put  men  to  death  in  war,  I  fought  duels  to 
slay  others,  I  lost  at  cards,  wasted  my  sub- 
stance wrung  from  the  sweat  of  peasants, 
punished  the  latter  cruelly,  rioted  with  loose 
women,  and  deceived  men.  Lying,  robbery, 
adultery  of  all  kinds,  drunkenness,  violence, 
and  murder,  all  committed  by  me,  not  one 
crime  omitted,  and  yet  I  was  not  the  less 
considered  by  my  equals  a  comparatively  moral 
man.     Such  was  my  life  during  ten  years. 

During  that  time  I  began  to  write,  out  of 
vanity,  love  of  gain,  and  pride.  I  followed  as 
a  writer  the  same  path  which  I  had  chosen  as 


MY  CONFESSION-.  11 

a  man.  In  order  to  obtain  the  fame  and  the 
money  for  which  I  wrote,  I  was  obliged  to 
hide  what  was  good  and  bow  down  before 
what  was  evil.  How  often  while  writing 
have  I  cudgelled  my  brains  to  conceal  under 
the  mask  of  indifference  or  pleasantry  those 
yearnings  for  something  better  which  formed 
the  real  problem  of  my  life  !  I  succeeded  ill 
my  object,  and  was  praised.  At  twenty-six 
years  of  age,  on  the  close  of  the  war,  I  came 
to  St.  Petersburg  and  made  the  acquaintance 
of  the  authors  of  the  day. 

I  met  with  a  hearty  reception  and  much 
flattery. 

Before  I  had  time  to  look  around,  the  preju- 
dices and  views  of  life  common  to  the  writers 
of  the  class  with  which  I  associated  became  my 
own,  and  completely  put  an  end  to  all  my 
former  struggles  after  a  better  life.  These 
views,  under  the  influence  of  the  dissipation 
into  which  I  plunged,  issued  in  a  theory  of 
life  which  justified  it.  The  view  of  life  taken 
by  these  my  fellow-writers  was  that  life  is  a 
development,  and  the  principal  part  in  that 
development     is     played     by     ourselves,     the 


12  MY  CONFESSION. 

thinkers,  while  among  the  thinkers  the  chief 
influence  is  again  due  to  ourselves,  the  poets. 
Our  vocation  is  to  teach  mankind. 

In  order  to  avoid  answering  the  very  natural 
question,  "What  do  I  know,  and  what  can  I 
teach  ? "  the  theory  in  question  is  made  to 
contain  the  formula  that  such  is  not  required 
to  be  known,  but  that  the  thinker  and  the 
poet  teach  unconsciously.  I  was  myself  con- 
sidered a  marvellous  litterateur  and  poet,  and 
I  therefore  very  naturally  adopted  this  theory. 
Meanwhile,  thinker  and  poet  though  I  was,  I 
wrote  and  taught  I  knew  not  what.  For  doing 
this  I  received  large  sums  of  money ;  I  kept  a 
splendid  table,  had  an  excellent  lodging,  asso- 
ciated with  loose  women,  and  received  my 
friends  handsomely ;  moreover,  I  had  fame. 
It  would  seem,  then,  that  what  I  taught  must 
have  been  good;  the  faith  in  poetry  and  the 
development  of  life  was  a  true  faith,  and  I  was 
one  of  its  high  priests,  a  post  of  great  impor- 
tance, and  of  profit.  I  long  remained  in  this 
belief,  and  never  once  doubted  its  truth. 

In  the  second,  however,  and  especially  in 
the  third  year  of  this  way  of  life,  I  began  to 


MY  CONFESSION.  13 

doubt  the  infallibility  of  the  doctrine,  and  to 
examine  it  more  closely.  The  first  doubtful 
fact  which  attracted  my  attention  was  that 
the  apostles  of  this  belief  did  not  agree  among 
themselves.  Some  proclaimed  that  they  alone 
were  good  and  useful  teachers,  and  all  others 
worthless  ;  while  those  opposed  to  them  said 
the  same  of  themselves.  They  disputed,  quar- 
relled, abused,  deceived,  and  cheated  one 
another. 

Moreover,  there  were  many  among  us  who, 
quite  indifferent  to  right  or  wrong,  only  cared 
for  their  own  private  interests.  All  this  forced 
on  me  doubts  as  to  the  truth  of  our  belief. 
Again,  when  I  doubted  this  faith  in  the  influ- 
ence of  literary  men,  I  began  to  examine  more 
closely  into  the  character  and  conduct  of  its 
chief  professors,  and  I  convinced  myself  that 
these  writers  were  men  who  led  immoral  lives, 
most  of  them  worthless  and  insignificant  indi- 
viduals, and  far  beneath  the  moral  level  of 
those  with  whom  I  had  associated  during  my 
former  dissipated  and  military  career;  these 
men,  however,  had  none  the  less  an  amount  of 
self-confidence  only  to  be  expected  in  those  who 


J 


14  MY  CONFESSION. 

are  conscious  of  being  saints,  or  in  those  for 
whom  holiness  is  an  empty  name. 

I  grew  disgusted  with  mankind  and  with  my- 
self, and  I  understood  that  this  belief  which  I 
had  accepted  was  a  delusion.  The  strangest 
tiling  in  all  this  was  that,  though  I  soon  saw 
the  falseness  of  this  belief  and  renounced  it,  I 
did  not  renounce  the  position  I  had  gained  by 
it ;  I  still  called  myself  a  thinker,  a  poet,  and  a 
teacher.  I  was  simple  enough  to  imagine  that 
I,  the  poet  and  thinker,  was  able  to  teach  other 
men  without  knowing  myself  what  it  was  that  I 
attempted  to  teach.  I  had  only  gained  a  new 
vice  by  my  companionship  with  these  men ;  it 
had  developed  pride  in  me  to  a  morbid  extreme, 
and  my  self-confidence  in  teaching  what  I  did 
not  know  amounted  almost  to  insanity.  When 
I  now  think  over  that  time,  and  remember  my 
own  state  of  mind  and  that  of  these  men  (a 
state  of  mind  common  enough  among  thousands 
still),  it  seems  to  me  pitiful,  terrible,  and  ridic- 
ulous ;  it  excites  the  feelings  which  overcome  us 
as  we  pass  through  a  madhouse.  We  were  all 
then  convinced  that  it  behooved  us  to  speak,  to 
write,  and  to  print  as  fast  as  we  could,  as  much 


MY  CONFESSION.  15 

as  we  could,  and  that  on  this  depended  the  wel- 
fare of  the  human  race.  Hundreds  of  us  wrote, 
printed,  and  taught,  and  all  the  while  confuted 
and  abused  each  other.  Quite  unconscious  that 
we  ourselves  knew  nothing,  that  to  the  simplest 
of  all  problems  in  life  —  what  is  right,  and  what 
is  wrong  —  we  had  no  answer,  we  all  went  on 
talking  together  without  one  to  listen,  at  times 
abetting  and  praising  one  another  on  condition 
that  we  were  abetted  and  praised  in  turn,  and 
again  turning  upon  each  other  in  wrath  —  in 
short,  we  reproduced  the  scenes  in  a  madhouse. 
Hundreds  of  exhausted  laborers  worked  day 
and  night,  putting  up  the  type  and  printing 
millions  of  pages  to  be  spread  by  the  post  all 
over  Russia,  and  still  we  continued  to  teach, 
unable  to  teach  enough,  angrily  complaining 
the  while  that  we  were  not  listened  to.  A 
strange  state  of  things  indeed,  but  now  it  is 
clear  enough.  The  real  motive  that  inspired 
all  our  reasoning  was  the  desire  for  money  and 
praise,  to  obtain  which  we  knew  of  no  other 
means  than  writing  books  and  newspapers.  In 
order,  however,  while  thus  uselessly  employed, 
to  hold  fast  to  the   conviction  that  we  were 


16  MY  COXFESSIOK. 

really  of  importance  to  society,  it  was  neces- 
sary to  justify  our  occupation  to  ourselves  by 
another  theory,  and  the  following  was  the  one 
we  adopted:  Whatever  is,  is-right;  everything 
that  is,  is  due  to  development,  and  the  latter 
again  to  civilization  ;  the  measure  of  civilization 
is  the  figure  to  which  the  publication  of  books 
and  newspapers  reaches ;  we  are  paid  and 
honored  for  the  books  and  newspapers  which 
we  write,  and  we  are  therefore  the  most  useful 
and  best  of  all  citizens. 

This  reasoning  might  have  been  conclusive, 
had  we  all  been  agreed ;  but,  as  for  every 
opinion  expressed  by  one  of  us  there  instantly 
appeared  from  another,  one  diametrically  op- 
posite, we  had  to  hesitate  before  accepting  it. 
But  this  we  passed  over  ;  we  received  money, 
and  were  praised  by  those  who  agreed  with  us, 
consequently  we  were  in  the  right.  It  is  now 
clear  to  me  that  between  ourselves  and  the  in- 
habitants of  a  madhouse  there  was  no  differ- 
ence :  at  the  time  I  only  vaguely  suspected 
this,  and,  like  all  madmen,  thought  all  were 
mad  except  myself. 


III. 


I  lived  in  this  senseless  manner  another  six 
years,  up  to  the  time  of  my  marriage.  During 
the  interval  I  had  been  abroad.  My  life  in  ^/ 
Europe,  and  my  acquaintance  with  many  emi- 
nent and  learned  foreigners,  confirmed  my 
belief  in  the  doctrine  of  general  perfectibility, 
as  I  found  the  same  theory  prevailed  among 
them.  This  belief  took  the  form  which  is  com- 
mon among  most  cultivated  men  of  the  day. 
It  may  be  summed  up  in  the  word  "  prog- 
ress." It  then  appeared  to  me  this  word 
had  a  real  meaning.  I  did  not  under- 
stand that,  tormented  like  other  men  by  the 
question,  "  How  was  I  to  better  my  life  ?  "  when 
I  answered  that  I  must  live  for  progress,  I  was 
only  repeating  the  answer  of  a  man  carried 
away  in  a  boat  by  the  waves  and  the  wind,  who 
to  the  one  important  question  for  him,  "  Where 
are  we  to  steer?"  should  answer,  saying,  "We 
are  being  carried  somewhere." 

This  I  then  did  not  see  ;  it  was  only  at  rare 
17 


18  my  confession: 

intervals  that  my  feelings,  and  not  my  reason, 
were  roused  against  the  common  superstition  of 
our  age,  which  leads  men  to  ignore  their  own 
ignorance  of  life. 
j  Thus,  during  my  stay  in  Paris,  the  sight  of  a 

public  execution  revealed  to  me  the  weakness 
of  my  superstitious  belief  in  progress.  When  I 
saw  the  head  divided  from  the  body,  and  heard 
the  sound  with  which  they  fell  separately  into 
the  box,  I  understood,  not  with  ray  reason,  but 
with  my  whole  being,  that  no  theory  of  the 
wisdom  of  all  established  things,  nor  of  prog- 
ress, could  justify  such  an  act ;  and  that  if  all 
the  men  in  the  world  from  the  day  of  creation, 
by  whatever  theory,  had  found  this  thing  neces- 
sary, it  was  not  so  ;  it  was  a  bad  thing,  and  that 
therefore  I  must  judge  of  what  was  right  and 
necessary,  not  by  what  men  said  and  did,  not 
by  progress,  but  what  I  felt  to  be  true  in  my 
heart. 

Another  instance  of  the  insufficiency  of  this 
superstition  of  progress  as  a  rule  for  life  was 
the  death  of  my  brother.  He  fell  ill  while  still 
young,  suffered  much  during  a  whole  year,  and 
died  in   great  pain.     He  was   a  man  of  good 


MY  CONFESSIOy.  19 

abilities,  of  a  kind  heart,  and  of  a  serious 
temper,  but  he  died  without  understanding  why 
he  had  lived,  or  what  his  death  meant  for  him. 
No  theories  could  give  an  answer  to  these 
questions,  either  to  him  or  to  me,  during  the 
whole  period  of  his  long  and  painful  lingering. 
Then  occasions  for  doubt,  however,  were  few 
and  far  between  ;  on  the  whole,  I  continued  to 
live  in  the  profession  of  the  faith  of  progress. 
"Everything  develops,  and  I  myself  develop 
as  well ;  and  why  this  is  so  will  one  day  be  ap- 
parent," was  the  formula  I  was  obliged  to 
adopt. 

On  my  return  from  abroad  I  settled  in  the 
country,  and  occupied  myself  with  the  organ- 
ization of  schools  for  the  peasantry.  This 
occupation  was  especially  grateful  to  me,  be- 
cause it  was  free  from  the  spirit  of  falseness 
so  evident  to  me  in  the  career  of  a  literary 
teacher. 

Here  again  I  acted  in  the  name  of  progress 
but  this  time  I  brought  a  spirit  of 'critical  in- 
quiry to  the  system  on  which  the  progress 
rested.  I  said  to  myself  that  progress  was 
often  attempted  in  an  irrational  manner,  and 


20  MY  CONFESSION. 

•that  it  was  necessary  to  leave  a  primitive 
people  and  the  children  of  peasants  perfectly 
free  to  choose  the  way  of  progress  which  they 
thought  best.  In  reality  I  was  still  bent  on 
the  solution  of  the  same  impossible  problem, 
how  to  teach  without  knowing  what  I  had  to 
teach.  In  the  highest  sphere  of  literature  I 
had  understood  that  it  was  impossible  to  do 
this  because  I  had  seen  that  each  taught  dif- 
ferently, and  that  the  teachers  quarrelled 
among  themselves,  and  scarcely  succeeded  in 
concealing  their  ignorance.  Having  now  to 
deal  with  peasants'  children,  I  thought  that  I 
could  get  over  this  difficulty  by  allowing  the 
children  to  learn  what  they  liked.  It  seems 
now  absurd  when  I  remember  the  expedients 
by  which  I  carried  out  this  whim  of  mine  to 
teach,  though  I  knew  in  my  heart  that  I  could 
teach  nothing  useful,  because  I  myself  did  not 
know  what  was  necessary. 

After  a  year  spent  in  this  employment  with 
the  schools,  I  again  went  abroad,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  finding  out  how  I  was  to  teach  under 
these  conditions. 

I  believed  that  I  had  found  a  solution  abroad, 


MY  CONFESSION.  21 

and,  armed  with  that  conviction,  I  returned  to 
Russia,  the  same  year  in  which  the  peasants 
were  freed  from  serfdom ;  and,  accepting  the 
office  of  a  country  magistrate  or  arbitrator,  I 
began  to  teach  the  uneducated  people  in  the 
schools,  and  the  educated  classes  in  the  jour- 
nals which  I  published.  Things  seemed  to  be 
going  on  well,  but  I  felt  that  my  mind  was  not 
in  a  normal  state  and  that  a  change  was  near. 
I  might  then,  perhaps,  have  come  to  that  state 
of  absolute  despair  to  which  I  was  brought 
fifteen  years  later,  if  it  had  not  been  for  a  new 
experience  in  life  which  promised  me  safety  — 
the  home  life  of  a  family  man.  For  a  year  I 
occupied  myself  with  my  duties  as  arbitrator, 
with  the  schools,  and  my  newspaper,  and  got 
so  involved  that  I  was  harassed  to  death ;  my 
arbitration  was  one  continual  struggle,  what  to 
do  in  the  schools  became  less  and  less  clear, 
and  my  newspaper  shuffling  more  and  more 
repugnant  to  me,  always  the  same  thing  —  try- 
ing to  teach  without  knowing  how  or  what  — 
so  that  I  fell  ill,  more  with  a  mental  than  phy- 
sical sickness,  gave  up  everything,  and  started 
for   the   steppes   to   breathe   a  fresher  air,  to 


22  MY  CONFESSION. 

drink   mare's   milk,    and   live   a   mere    animal 
life. 

Soon  after  my  return  I  married.  The  new 
circumstances  of  a  happy  family  life  by  whicli 
I  was  now  surrounded  completely  led  my  mind 
away  from  the  search  after  the  meaning  of  life 
as  a  whole.  My  life  was  concentrated  in  my 
family,  my  wife,  and  children,  and  consequent- 
ly in  the  care  for  increasing  the  means  of  sup- 
porting them.  The  effort  to  effect  my  own 
individual  perfection,  already  replaced  by  the 
striving  after  general  progress,  was  again 
changed  into  an  effort  to  secure  the  particular 
happiness  of  my  family.  In  this  way  fifteen 
years  passed.  Notwithstanding  that  during 
these  fifteen  years  I  looked  upon  the  craft  of 
authorship  as  a  very  trifling  thing,  I  continued 
all  the  time  to  write.  I  had  experienced  the 
seductions  of  authorship,  the  temptations  of  an 
enormous  pecuniary  reward  and  of  great  ap- 
plause for  valueless  work,  and  gave  myself  up 
to  it  as  a  means  of  improving  my  material 
position,  and  of  stifling  all  the  feelings  which 
led  me  to  question  my  own  life  and  that  of 
society    for    the    meaning    in    them.     In    my 


MY  CONFESSION.  23 

writings  I  taught  what  for  me  was  the  only 
truth,  that  the  object  of  life  should  be  our  own 
happiness  and  that  of  our  family. 

By  this  rule  I  lived;  but  five  years  ago,  a 
strange  state  of  mind-torpor  began  at  times  to 
grow  upon  me.  I  had  moments  of  perplexity, 
of  a  stoppage,  as  it  were,  of  life,  as  if  I  did  not 
know  how  I  was  to  live,  what  I  was  to  do.  I 
began  to  wander,  and  was  a  victim  to  low 
spirits.  This,  however,  passed,  and  I  continued 
to  live  as  before.  Later,  these  periods  of  per- 
plexity grew  more  and  more  frequent,  and  in- 
variably took  the  same  form.  During  their  con- 
tinuance the  same  questions  always  presented 
themselves  to  me :  "  Why  ?  "  and  "  What  after  ?  " 

At  first  it  seemed  to  me  that  these  were 
empty  and  unmeaning  questions,  that  all  they 
asked  about  was  well  known,  and  that  when- 
ever I  wished  to  find  answers  to  them  I  could 
do  so  without  much  trouble  —  then  I  had  no 
time  for  it.  But  these  questions  presented 
themselves  to  my  mind  with  ever-increasing  fre- 
quency, demanding  an  answer  with  still  great- 
er and  greater  persistence,  grouping  themselves 
into  one  dark  and  ominous  spot.     It  was  with  me 


24  MY  CONFESSION. 

as  iii  every  case  of  a  hidden,  mortal  disease  — 
at  first  the  symptoms,  as  to  its  position,  are 
slight,  and  are  disregarded  by  the  patient, 
while  later  they  are  repeated  more  and  more 
frequently,  till  they  end  in  a  period  of  uninter- 
rupted suffering.  The  sufferings  increase,  and 
the  patient,  before  he  has  time  to  seek  a 
remedy,  is  confronted  with  the  fact  that  what 
he  took  for  a  mere  indisposition  has  become 
more  important  to  him  than  anything  else  on 
earth,  that  he  is  face  to  face  with  death. 

This  is  exactly  what  happened  mentally  to 
myself.  I  became  aware  that  this  was  not  a 
mere  passing  phase  of  mental  ill-health,  that  the 
symptoms  were  of  the  utmost  importance,  and 
that  if  these  questions  continued  to  recur,  I 
must  find  an  answer  to  them.  I  tried  to  an- 
swer them.  The  questions  seemed  so  foolish, 
so  simple,  so  childish;  but  no  sooner  had  I 
begun  my  attempt  to  decide  them  than  I 
was  convinced  that  they  were  neither  childish 
nor  silly,  but  were  concerned  with  the  deepest 
problems  of  life,  and  again  that  I  was,  think  of 
them  as  I  would,  utterly  unable  to  find  an 
answer  to  them. 


MY  CONFESSION.  25 

Before  occupying  myself  with  my  estate, 
with  the  education  of  my  son,  with  the  writing 
of  books,  I  was  bound  to  know  why  I  did  these 
things.  Till  I  know  the  reasons  for  my  own 
acts,  I  can  do  nothing,  I  cannot  live.  While 
thinking  of  the  details  of  the  management  of 
my  household  and  estate,  which  in  these  days 
occupied  much  of  my  time,  the  following  ques- 
tion came  into  my  head :  "  Well,  I  have  now 
six  ^thousand  '  desatins  '  in  the  govt  rumen  t  of 
Samara,  and  three  hundred  horses  —  what 
then  ?  "  I  was  quite  disconcerted,  and  knew 
not  what  to  think.  Another  time,  dwelling  on 
the  thought  of  how  I  should  educate  my  chil- 
dren, I  asked  myself,  "  Why  t  "  Again,  when 
considering  by  what  means  the  well-being  of 
the  people  might  best  be  promoted,  I  suddenly 
exclaimed,  "  But  what  concern  have  I  with  it?" 
When  I  thought  of  the  fame  which  my  works 
had  gained  me,  I  used  to  say  to  myself,  "  Well, 
what  if  I  should  be  more  famous  than  Gogol, 
Poushkin,  Shakespeare,  Moliere  —  than  all  the 
writers  of  the  world — well,  and  what  then  ?  "  I 
could  find  no  reply.  Such  questions  demand  an 
answer,  and  an  immediate  one  ;  without  one  it 
is  impossible  to  live,  but  answer  there  was  none. 


IV. 

My  life  had  come  to  a  sudden  stop.  I  was 
able  to  breathe,  to  eat,  to  drink,  to  sleep.  I 
could  not,  indeed,  help  doing  so ;  but  there  was 
no  real  life  in  me.  I  had  not  a  single  wish  to 
strive  for  the  fulfilment  of  what  I  could  feel  to 
be  reasonable.  If  I  wished  for  anything,  I 
knew  beforehand  that,  were  I  to  satisfy  the 
wish,  nothing  would  come  of  it,  I  should  still 
be  dissatisfied.  Had  a  fairy  appeared  and 
offered  me  all  I  desired,  I  should  not  have 
known  what  to  say.  If  I  seemed  to  have,  at  a 
given  moment  of  excitement,  not  a  wish,  but  a 
mood  resulting  from  the  tendencies  of  former 
wishes,  at  a  calmer  moment  I  knew  that  it  was 
a  delusion,  that  I  really  wished  for  nothing.  I 
could  not  even  wish  to  know  the  truth,  because 
I  guessed  what  the  truth  was. 

The  truth  lay  in  this,  that  life  had  no  mean- 
ing for  me.  Every  day  of  life,  every  step  in  it, 
brought  me  nearer  the  edge  of  a  precipice, 
26 


MY  CONFESSION.  27 

whence  I  saw  clearly  the  final  ruin  before  me. 
To  stop,  to  go  back,  were  alike  impossible ;  nor 
could  I  shut  my  eyes  so  as  not  to  see  the  suffer- 
ing that  alone  awaited  me,  the  death  of  all  in 
me,  even  to  annihilation.  Thus  I,  a  healthy 
and  a  happy  man,  was  brought  to  feel  that  I 
could  live  no  longer,  that  an  irresistible  force 
was  dragging  me  down  into  the  grave.  I  do 
not  mean  that  I  had  an  intention  of  committing 
suicide.  The  force  that  drew  me  away  from 
life  was  stronger,  fuller,  and  concerned  with  far 
wider  consequences  than  any  mere  wish  ;  it  was 
a  force  like  that  of  my  previous  attachment  to 
life,  only  in  a  contrary  direction.  The  idea  of 
suicide  came  as  naturally  to  me  as  formerly  that 
of  bettering  my  life.  It  had  so  much  attrac- 
tion for  me  that  I  was  compelled  to  practise  a 
species  of  self-deception,  in  order  to  avoid 
carrying  it  out  too  hastily.  I  was  unwilling  to 
act  hastily,  only  because  I  had  determined  first 
to  clear  away  the  confusion  of  my  thoughts, 
and,  that  once  done,  I  could  always  kill  myself. 
I  was  happy,  yet  I  hid  away  a  cord,  to  avoid 
being  tempted  to  hang  myself  by  it  to  one  of 
the  pegs  between  the  cupboards  of  my  study, 


28  MY  CONFESSION. 

where  I  undressed  alone  every  evening,  and 
ceased  carrying  a  gun  because  it  offered  too 
easy  a  way  of  getting  rid  of  life.  I  knew  not 
what  I  wanted;  I  was  afraid  of  life;  I  shrank 
from  it,  and  yet  there  was  something  I  hoped 
for  from  it. 

Such  was  the  condition  I  had  come  to,  at  a 
time  when  all  the  circumstances  of  my  life  were 
pre-eminently  happy  ones,  and  when  I  had  not 
reached  my  fiftieth  year.  I  had  a  good,  a  lov- 
ing, and  a  well-beloved  wife,  good  children,  a 
fine  estate,  which,  without  much  trouble  on  my 
part,  continually  increased  my  income ;  I  was 
more  than  ever  respected  by  my  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances; I  was  praised  by  strangers,  and 
could  lay  claim  to  having  made  my  name 
famous  without  much  self-deception.  More- 
over, my  mind  was  neither  deranged  nor  weak- 
ened ;  on  the  contrary,  I  enjoyed  a  mental  and 
physical  strength  which  I  have  seldom  found  in 
men  of  my  class  and  pursuits  :  I  could  keep  up 
with  a  peasant  in  mowing,  and  could  continue 
mental  labor  for  ten  hours  at  a  stretch,  without 
any  evil  consequences. 

The  mental  state  in  which  I  then  was  seemed 


MY  CONFESStOtf.  29 

to  me  summed  *up  in  the  following :  my  life 
was  a  foolish  and  wicked  joke  played  upon  me 
by  I  knew  not  whom.  Notwithstanding  my 
rejection  of  the  idea  of  a  Creator,  that  of  a  be- 
ing who  thus  wickedly  and  foolishly  made  a  joke 
of  me  seemed  to  me  the  most  natural  of  all 
conclusions,  and  the  one  that  threw  the  most 
light  upon  my  darkness.  I  instinctively  rea- 
soned that  this  being,  wherever  he  might  be, 
was  one  who  was  even  then  diverting  himself 
at  my  expense,  as  he  watched  me,  after  from 
thirty  to  forty  years  of  a  life  of  study  and 
development,  of  meirial  and  bodily  growth, 
with  all  my  powers  matured  and  having  reached 
the  point  at  which  life  as  a  whole  should  be 
best  understood,  standing  like  a  fool  with  but 
one  thing  clear  to  me,  that  there  was  nothing 
in  life,  that  there  never  was  anything,  and 
never  will  be.  "To  him  I  must  seem  ridic- 
ulous. .  .  .  But  was  there,  or  was  there  not, 
such  a  being?"  Neither  way  could  I  feel 
it  helped  me.  I  could  not  attribute  reasonable 
motive  to  any  single  act,  much  less  to  my 
whole  life.  I  was  only  astonished  that  this 
had  uot  occurred  to  me  before,  from  premises 


30  MY  confe'ssiox. 

which  had  so  long  been  known.  Illness  and 
death  would  come  (indeed  they  had  come),  if 
not  to-day,  then  to-morrow,  to  those  whom  I 
loved,  to  myself,  and  nothing  would  remain  but 
stench  and  worms.  All  my  acts,  whatever  I 
did,  would  sooner  or  later  be  forgotten,  and  I 
myself  be  nowhere.  Why,  then,  busy  one's 
self  with  anything  ?  How  could  men  see  this, 
and  live  ?  It  is  possible  to  live  only  as  long  as 
life  intoxicates  us ;  as  soon  as  we  are  sober 
again  we  see  that  it  is  all  a  delusion,  and  a 
stupid  one  !  In  this,  indeed,  there  is  nothing 
either  ludicrous  or  amusing;  it  is  only  cruel 
and  absurd. 

There  is  an  old  Eastern  fable  about  a  trav- 
eller in  the  steppes  who  is  attacked  by  a  furi- 
ous wild  beast.  To  save  himself  the  traveller 
gets  into  a  dried-up  well ;  but  at  the  bottom  of 
it,  he  sees  a  dragon  with  its  jaws  wide-open  to 
devour  him.  The  unhappy  man  dares  not  get 
out  for  fear  of  the  wild  beast,  and  dares  not 
descend  for  fear  of  the  dragon,  so  he  catches 
hold  of  the  branch  of  a  wild  plant  growing  in 
a  crevice  of  the  well.  His  arms  grow  tired, 
and  he  feels  that  he  must  soon  perish,  death 


MY  CONFESSION".  31 

awaiting  him  on  either  side,  but  he  still  holds 
on ;  and  then  he  sees  two  mice,  one  black  and 
one  white,  gnawing  through  the  trunk  of  the 
wild  plant,  as  they  gradually  and  evenly  make 
their  way  round  it.  The  plant  must  soon  give 
way,  break  off,  and  he  will  fall  into  the  jaws  of 
the  dragon.  The  traveller  sees  this,  and  knows 
that  he  must  inevitably  perish ;  but,  while  still 
hanging,  he  looks  around  him,  and,  finding 
some  drops  of  honey  on  the  leaves  of  the  wild 
plant,  he  stretches  out  his  tongue  and  licks 
them. 

Thus  do  I  cling  to  the  branch  of  life,  know- 
ing that  the  dragon  of  death  inevitably  awaits 
me,  ready  to  tear  me  to  pieces,  and  I  cannot 
understand  why  such  tortures  have  fallen  to 
my  lot.  I  also  strive  to  suck  the  honey  which 
once  comforted  me,  but  it  palls  on  my  palate, 
while  the  white  mouse  and  the  black,  day  and 
night,  gnaw  through  the  branch  to  which  I 
cling.  I  see  the  dragon  too  plainly,  and  the 
honey  is  no  longer  sweet.  I  see  the  dragon, 
from  whom  there  is  no  escape,  and  the  mice, 
and  I  cannot  turn  my  eyes  away  from  them. 
It  is  no  fable,  but  a  living,  undeniable  truth,  to 


32  my  confession; 

be  understood  of  all  men.  The  former  delu- 
sion of  happiness  in  life  which  hid  from  me 
the  horror  of  the  dragon,  no  longer  deceives  me. 
However  I  may  reason  with  myself  that  I 
cannot  understand  the  meaning  of  life,  that  I 
must  live  without  thinking,  I  cannot  again  begin 
to  do  so,  because  I  have  done  so  too  long  already. 
I  cannot  now  help  seeing  that  eacli  day  and 
each  night,  as  it  passes,  brings  me  nearer  to 
death.  I  can  see  but  this,  because  this  alone  is 
true  —  all  the  rest  is  a  lie.  The  two  drops  of 
honey,  which  more  than  anything  else  drew  me 
away  from  the  cruel  truth,  my  love  for  my 
family  and  for  my  writings,  to  which  latter  I 
gave  the  name  of  art,  no  longer  taste  sweet  to 
me.  "  My  family,"  thought  I;  "but  a  family, 
a  wife  and  children,  are  also  human  beings, 
and  subject  to  the  same  conditions  as  myself; 
they  must  either  be  living  in  a  lie,  or  they 
must  see  the  terrible  truth.  Why  should 
they  live?  Why  should  I  love,  care  for, 
bring  up,  and  watch  over  them  ?  To  bring 
them  to  the  despair  which  fills  myself,  or  to 
make  dolts  of  them?  As  I  love  them,  I  can- 
not conceal  from  them  the  truth  — every  step 


MY  CONFESSION.  33 

they  take  in  knowledge  leads  them  to  it,  and 
that  truth  is  death." 

But  art,  then;  but  poetry?  Under  the  influ- 
ence of  success  and  flattered  by  praise,  I  had 
long  persuaded  myself  that  these  were  things 
worth  working  for,  notwithstanding  the  ap- 
proach of  death,  the  great  destroyer,  to  anni- 
hilate my  writings,  and  the  memory  of  them  ; 
but  now  I  soon  saw  that  this  was  only  another 
delusion,  I  saw  clearly  that  art  is  only  the 
ornament  and  charm  of  life.  Life  having  lost 
its  charm  for  me,  how  could  I  make  others  see 
a  charm  in  it?  While  I  was  not  living  my 
own  life,  but  one  that  was  external  to  me,  as 
long  as  I  believed  that  life  had  a  meaning, 
though  I  could  not  say  what  it  was,  life  was 
reflected  for  me  in  the  poetry  and  art  which  I 
loved,  it  was  pleasant  to  me  to  look  into  the 
mirror  of  art ;  but  when  I  tried  to  discover  the 
meaning  of  life,  when  I  felt  the  necessity  of 
living  myself,  the  mirror  became  either  unnec- 
essary or  painful.  I  could  no  longer  take  com- 
fort from  what  I  saw  in  the  mirror  —  that  my 
position  was  a  stupid  and  desperate  one. 

It  warmed  my  heart  when   I  believed  that 


34  MY  CONFESSION. 

life  had  a  meaning,  when  the  play  of  the  light 
on  the  glass  showed  me  all  that  was  comic, 
tragic,  touching,  beautiful,  and  terrible  in  life, 
and  comforted  me ;  but  when  I  knew  that  life 
had  no  meaning  at  all,  and  was  only  terrible, 
the  play  of  the  light  no  longer  amused  me. 
No  honey  could  be  sweet  upon  my  tongue 
when  I  saw  the  dragon,  and  the  mice  eating 
away  the  stay  which  supported  me.  Nor  was 
that  all.  Had  I  simply  come  to  know  that  life 
has  no  meaning,  I  might  have  quietly  accepted 
it  as  my  allotted  portion.  I  could  not,  how- 
ever, remain  thus  unmoved.  Had  I  been  like 
a  man  in  a  wood,  out  of  which  he  knows  that 
there  is  no  issue,  I  could  have  lived  on  ;  but  I 
was  like  a  man  lost  in  a  wood,  and  who,  terri- 
fied by  the  thought,  rushes  about  trying  to  find 
a  way  out,  and,  though  he  knows  each  step  can 
only  lead  him  farther  astray,  cannot  help  run- 
ning backwards  and  forwards. 

It  was  this  that  was  terrible,  this  which  to 
get  free  from  I  was  ready  to  kill  myself.  I  felt 
a  horror  of  what  awaited  me  ;  I  knew  that  this 
horror  was  more  terrible  than  the  position 
itself,  but  I  could  not  patiently  await  the  end. 


MY  CONFESSION.  35 

However  persuasive  the  argument  might  be 
that  all  the  same  something  in  the  heart  or 
elsewhere  would  burst  and  all  be  over,  still  I 
could  not  patiently  await  the  end.  The  horror 
of  the  darkness  was  too  great  to  bear,  and  I 
longed  to  free  myself  from  it  by  a  rope  or  a 
pistol  ball.  This  was  the  feeling  that,  above 
all,  drew  me  to  think  of  suicide. 


V. 


It  was  possible,  however,  that  I  had  over- 
looked something,  that  I  had  failed  to  under- 
stand something,  and  I  often  asked  myself,  if 
such  a  state  of  utter  despair  could  be,  what 
man  was  born  to.  I  sought  an  explanation  of 
the  questions  which  tormented  me  in  every 
branch  of  human  knowledge ;  I  sought  that 
explanation  painfully  and  long,  not  out  of  mere 
curiosity  nor  apathetically,  but  obstinately  day 
and  night ;  I  sought  it  as  a  perishing  man 
seeks  safety,  and  I  found  nothing.  My  search 
not  only  failed,  but  I  convinced  myself  that  all 
those  who  had  searched  like  myself  had  failed 
also,  and  come  like  me  to  the  despairing  con- 
viction that  the  only  absolute  knowledge  man 
can  possess  is  this  —  that  life  is  without  a 
meaning.  I  sought  in  all  directions,  and, 
thanks  to  a  life  of  study,  and  also  to  the  foot- 
ing which  I  had  gained  in  learned  society,  all 
the  sources  of  knowledge  were  open  to  me,  not 


Mt  CONFESSION.  37 

merely  through  books,  but  through  personal 
intercourse.  I  had  the  advantage  of  all  that 
learning  could  answer  to  the  question,  "  What 
is  life?" 

It  was  long  before  I  could  believe  that 
human  learning  had  no  clear  answer  whatever 
to  this  question.  It  seemed  to  me,  when  I  con- 
sidered the  importance  which  science  attributed 
to  so  many  theories  unconnected  with  the 
problem  of  life,  and  the  serious  tone  which 
pervaded  her  inquiries  into  them,  that  I  must 
have  misunderstood  something.  For  a  long  J 
time  I  was  too  timid  to  oppose  the  learning  of 
the  day,  and  I  fancied  that  the  insufficiency  of 
the  answers  winch  I  received  was  not  its  fault, 
but  was  owing  to  my  own  gross  ignorance ;  but 
this  thing  was  not  a  joke  to  pass  the  time  with 
me,  but  the  business  of  my  life,  and  I  was  at 
last  forced  to  the  conclusion  that  these  ques- 
tions were  just  and  necessary  ones  underlying 
all  knowledge,  and  that  it  was  not  I  that  was 
in  fault  in  putting  them,  but  science  in  pretend- 
ing to  have  an  answer  to  them. 

The  question,  which  in  my  fiftieth  year  had 
brought  me  very  close  to  suicide,  was  the  sim- 


38  M Y  CONFESSION. 

plest  of  all  questions,  one  to  make  itself  heard 
in  the  heart  of  every  man  from  undeveloped 
childhood  to  wisest  old  age ;  a  question  without 
which,  as  I  had  myself  experienced,  life  became 
impossible. 

That  question  was  as  follows  :  "  What  result 
will  there  be  from  what  I  am  doing  now,  and 
may  do  to-morrow  ?  what  will  be  the  issue  of 
my  life  ?  "  Otherwise  expressed,  it  may  run  : 
"Why  should  I  live?  why  should  I  wish  for 
anything?  why  should  I  do  anything?" 
Again,  in  other  words  it  is :  "  Is  there  any 
meaning  in  my  life  which  can  overcome  the 
inevitable  death  awaiting  me?" 

To  this  question,  one  and  the  same  though 
variously  expressed,  I  sought  an  answer  in 
human  knowledge,  and  I  found  that  with 
respect  to  this  question  all  human  knowledge 
may  be  divided  into  two  opposite  hemispheres, 
with  their  respective  poles,  the  one  negative, 
the  other  affirmative,  but  that  at  neither  end  is 
to  be  found  an  answer  to  the  problem  of  life. 
One  system  of  knowledge  seems  to  deny  that 
there  is  such  a  question,  but,  on  the  other 
hand,  has  a  clear  and  exact  answer  to   all   its 


my  confession:  39 

own  independent  inquiries :  it  is  the  system  of 
experimental  science,  at  the  extreme  end  of 
which  is  mathematics.  Another  system  ac- 
cepts the  question,  but  does  not  answer  it ;  it 
is  that  of  theoretic  philosophy,  and  at  its  ex- 
tremity is  metaphysics.  I  had  been  addicted 
from  my  youth  to  theoretical  study;  later, 
mathematics  and  the  exact  sciences  had  at- 
tracted me ;  and  till  I  came  to  put  clearly  to 
myself  this  question  as  to  the  meaning  of  life, 
until  it  grew  up  in  me,  as  it  were,  of  itself,  and 
till  I  felt  that  it  demanded  an  immediate  an- 
swer, I  was  content  with  the  artificial  and  con- 
ventional answers  given  by  learning. 

For  the  practical  side  of  life  I  used  to  say  to 
myself,  "All  is  development  and  differentia- 
tion, all  tends  to  complication  and  perfection, 
and  there  are  laws  which  govern  this  process. 
You  are  yourself  a  part  of  the  whole.  Learn 
as  much  as  possible  of  this  whole,  and  learn  the 
law  of  its  development;  you  will  then  know 
your  own  place  in  the  great  unity,  and  know 
yourself  as  well."  Though  I  feel  shame  in 
confessing  it,  I  must  needs  own  that  there  was 
a  time  when  I  was  myself  developing  —  when 


40  MY  CONFESSION. 

my  muscles  and  memory  were  strengthening, 
my  power  of  thinking  and  understanding  on 
the  increase — that  I,  feeling  this,  very  natu- 
rally thought  that  the  law  of  my  own  growth 
was  the  law  of  the  universe  and  explained  the 
meaning  of  my  own  life.  But  there  came 
another  time  when  I  had  ceased  to  grow,  and  I 
felt  that  I  was  not  developing  but  drying  up ; 
my  muscles  grew  weaker,  my  teeth  began  to  fall 
out,  and  I  saw  that  this  law  of  growth  not  only 
explained  nothing  but  that  such  a  law  did  not 
and  could  not  exist ;  that  I  had  taken  for  a 
general  law  what  only  affected  myself  at  a 
given   age. 

On  looking  more  closely  into  the  nature  of 
this  pretended  law,  it  was  clear  to  me  that 
there  could  be  no  law  of  eternal  development ; 
that  to  say  everything  in  infinite  space  and 
time  is  developed,  complicated,  differentiated, 
and  perfected,  is  to  talk  nonsense.  Such  words 
have  no  meaning,  for  the  infinite  can  know 
nothing  of  simple  and  compound,  of  past  and 
future,  of  better  and  worse.  It  was  a  personal 
question  that  was  of  such  importance  to  me, 
and    which     remained     without     an     answer: 


MY  CONFESSION.  41 

"  What  am  I  myself  with  all  my  desires  ? " 
I  understood  that  the  acquirement  of  knowl- 
edge was  interesting  and  attractive,  but  that  it 
could  only  give  clear  and  exact  results  in  pro- 
portion to  its  inapplicability  to  the  question  of 
life.  The  less  it  had  to  do  with  these  ques- 
tions, the  clearer  and  more  exact  it  was ;  the 
more  it  took  the  character  of  a  solution  of 
these  questions,  the  obscurer  and  less  attractive 
they,  became.  If  we  turn  to  those  branches  of 
knowledge  in  which  men  have  tried  to  find  a 
solution  to  the  problem  of  life,  to  physiology, 
psychology,  biology,  sociology,  we  meet  with  a 
striking  poverty  of  thought,  with  the  greatest 
obscurity,  with  an  utterly  unjustifiable  preten- 
sion to  decide  questions  beyond  their  compe- 
tence, and  a  constant  contradiction  of  one 
thinker  by  another,  and  even  by  himself.  If 
we  turn  to  the  branches  of  knowledge  which 
are  not  concerned  with  the  problem  of  life,  but 
find  an  answer  to  their  own  particular  scien- 
tific questions,  we  are  lost  in  admiration  of 
man's  mental  powers ;  but  we  know  before- 
hand that  we  shall  get  no  answer  to  our 
questions  about  life  itself,  for  these  branches 


42  MY  CONFESSION. 

of    knowledge    directly   ignore     all    questions 
concerning  it. 

Those  who  profess  them  say,  "We  cannot 
tell  you  what  you  are  and  why  you  live ;  such 
questions  we  do  not  study.  But  if  you  wish  to 
know  the  laws  of  light,  of  chemical  affinities,  of 
the  development  of  organisms ;  if  you  wish  to 
know  the  laws  that  govern  different  bodies, 
their  form,  and  relations  to  number  and  size  ;  if 
you  wish  to  know  the  laws  of  your  own  mind, 
we  can  give  you  clear,  exact,  and  absolutely 
certain  answers  on  every  point."  The  relation 
of  experimental  science  to  the  question  of  the 
meaning  of  life  may  be  put  as  follows :  Ques- 
tion, "  Why  do  I  live  ?  "  Answer,  "  Infinitely 
small  particles,  in  infinite  combinations,  in  end- 
less space  and  endless  time,  eternally  change 
their  forms,  and  when  you  have  learned  the 
laws  of  these  changes,  you  will  know  why  you 
live."  I  used  to  say  to  myself  when  theorizing, 
"  Spiritual  causes  lie  at  the  root  of  man's  life 
and  development,  and  they  are  the  ideals  which 
govern  him.  These  ideals  find  expression  in 
religion,  in  science,  in  art,  and  in  the  forms  of 
government,  and  rise  higher,  from  one  stage  to 


MY  CONFESSION.  43 

another,  till  man  at  last  reaches  his  highest 
good.  I  am  myself  a  man,  and  am  therefore 
called  upon  to  assist  in  making  the  ideals  of 
humanity  known  and  accepted." 

In  the  days  of  my  mental  weakness  this 
reasoning  sufficed  for  me  ;  but  as  soon  as  the 
problem  of  life  really,  as  it  were,  arose  within 
me,  the  whole  theory  fell  to  pieces  at  once. 
Not  to  speak  of  the  dishonest  inaccuracy,  by 
which  learning  of  this  kind  is  made  to  give  as 
general  results  those  due  to  the  study  of  but  a 
small  part  of  mankind;  not  to  speak  of  the 
many  contradictions  among  the  various  cham- 
pions of  this  theory,  as  to  what  are  the  ideals  of 
humanity ;  the  strangeness,  if  it  be  not  the  silli- 
ness, of  this  way  of  thinking  is  that,  in  order 
to  answer  the  question  which  occurs  to  every 
man  —  "  What  am  17"  or  "  Why  do  I  live  ?  " 
or  "  What  am  I  to  do  ?  "  —  we  must  first 
answer  this  other  question :  "  What  is  the  life 
of  that  unknown  quantity  to  us,  mankind,  of 
which  we  are  acquainted  with  but  one  minute 
part  in  one  minute  period  of  time  ?  " 

In  order  to  understand  what  he  is  himself,  a 
man    must    first   know   what    that    mysterious 


44  MY  CONFESSION. 

humanity  is,  which  is  formed  of  other  men  like 
himself,  and  who  again  are  ignorant  of  what 
they  are. 

I  confess  there  was  a  time  when  I  believed 
this.  That  was  when  I  had  my  own  cherished 
ideals  which  determined  my  caprices,  and  I 
would  strive  to  evolve  a  theory  which  should 
enable  me  to  look  upon  my  fancies  as  a  law  be- 
longing to  humanity.  As  soon,  however,  as  the 
question  of  the  meaning  of  life  made  itself 
clearly  felt  within  me,  my  theoretical  answer 
was  forever  confuted.  I  understood  that,  as 
in  tHe  experimental  sciences  there  are  real 
sciences,  and  semi-sciences  which  pretend  to 
give  answers  to  questions  beyond  their  compe- 
tence, so  in  the  province  of  theoretical  knowl- 
edge is  there  a  wide  range  of  highly  cultivated 
philosophy  which  attempts  to  do  the  same.  The 
semi-sciences  of  this  division,  jurisprudence  and 
historical  sociology,  endeavor  to  decide  the 
questions  concerning  man  and  his  life,  by  de- 
ciding, each  in  his  own  way,  another  question, 
that  of  the  life  of  humanity  as  a  whole. 

But,  as  in  the  sphere  of  exact  science,  a  man 
who  earnestly  seeks  an  answer  to  the  question, 


MY  CONFESSION.  45 

"  How  am  I  to  live  ?  "  cannot  content  himself 
with  the  answer  that  if  he  studies  in  infinite 
space  and  time  the  endless  combinations  and 
changes  of  infinite  particles,  he  will  know  what 
his  own  life  means,  so  a  sincere  man  cannot  be 
satisfied  with  this  other  answer,  "  Study  the 
life  of  humanity  as  a  whole,  and  then,  though 
we  know  neither  its  beginning  nor  its  end,  and 
are  ignorant  of  its  parts,  you  will  know  what 
your  life  means." 

It  is  the  same  with  these  sham  sciences  as 
with  the  sham  experimental  ones ;  they  con- 
tain obscurity,  inaccuracy,  stupidity,  and  con- 
tradiction, exactly  in  proportion  to  their  diver- 
gence from  their  proper  sphere.  The  problem 
of  exact  science  is  the  succession  of  cause  and 
effect  in  material  phenomena.  If  exact  science 
raises  the  question  of  a  finite  cause,  it  stumbles 
against  an  absurdity.  The  problem  of  theoret- 
ical science  is  the  conception  of  the  uncaused 
existence  of  life.  Directly  the  question  of  the 
cause  of  phenomena  is  raised  —  as,  for  instance, 
of  social  and  historical  phenomena  —  theoretical 
science  lands  also  in  an  absurdity.  Experi- 
mental science  gives  positive  results,  and  shows 


46  MY  CONFESSION-. 

the  grandeur  of  man's  intellect,  only  when  it 
does  not  inquire  into  finite  causes ;  while,  on 
the  contrary,  theoretical  science  only  shows 
the  greatness  of  man's  mental  powers,  is  only  a 
science  at  all,  when  it  gets  rid  altogether  of  the 
succession  of  phenomena,  and  looks  upon  man 
only  in  relation  to  finite  causes.  Such  in  this 
department  of  science  is  the  office  of  its  most 
important  branch,  —  of  the  one  which  is  the 
pole,  as  it  were,  of  all  the  others,  —  of  meta- 
physics or  philosophy. 

This  science  puts  the  clear  question,  "  What 
am  I,  and  what  is  the  whole  world  around  me  ? 
Why  do  I  and  the  world  exist?"  and  it  has  al- 
ways answered  it  in  the  same  way.  Whatever 
name  the  philosopher  may  give  to  the  principle 
of  life  existing  in  me  and  in  all  other  living 
beings,  whether  he  call  it  an  idea,  a  substance,  a 
spirit,  or  a  will,  he  still  says  ever  that  it  is  a 
reality,  and  that  I  have  a  real  existence  ;  but 
why  this  is  so  he  does  not  know,  and  does  not 
try  to  explain  if  he  is  an  exact  thinker. 

I  ask,  "  Why  should  this  reality  be  ?  What 
comes  of  the  fact  that  it  is  and  will  be  ? " 
Philosophy  cannot  answer,  it  can  only  itself  put 


MY  CONFESSION.  47 

the  same  question.  If  it  be,  then,  a  true  phil- 
osophy, its  whole  labor  consists  in  this,  that  it 
should  put  this  question  clearly.  If  it  keep 
firmly  to  its  proper  sphere,  it  can  only  answer 
the  question,  "  What  am  I  and  the  whole  world 
around  me?"  by  saying,  "All  and  nothing," 
and  to  that  other  question,  "  Why  ? "  by  add- 
ing, "  I  do  not  know."  Thus,  however  I  ex- 
amine and  twist  the  theoretical  replies  of  phil- 
osophy, I  never  receive  an  answer  to  my 
question  ;  and  that,  not  as  in  the  sphere  of  ex- 
perimental knowledge,  because  the  answer  does 
not  relate  to  the  question,  but  because  here,  al- 
though great  mental  labor  has  been  applied 
directly  to  the  question,  there  is  no  answer, 
and  instead  of  one  I  get  back  my  own  question 
repeated  in  a  more  complicated  form. 


VI. 


In  my  search  for  a  solution  of  the  problem  of 
life  I  experienced  the  same  feeling  as  a  man 
who  has  lost  himself  in  a  wood.  He  comes  to 
an  open  plain,  climbs  up  a  tree,  and  sees  around 
him  a  space  without  end,  but  nowhere  a  house 
—  he  sees  clearly  that  there  can  be  none ;  he 
goes  into  the  thick  of  the  wood,  into  the  dark- 
ness, and  sees  darkness,  but  again  no  house. 
Thus  had  I  lost  my  way  in  the  wood  of  human 
knowledge,  in  the  twilight  of  mathematical  and 
experimental  science,  which  opened  out  for  me 
a  clear  and  distant  horizon  in  the  direction  of 
which  there  could  be  no  house,  and  in  the  dark- 
ness of  philosophy,  plunging  me  into  a  greater 
gloom  with  every  step  I  took,  until  I  was  at  last 
persuaded  that  there  was,  and  could  be,  no 
issue.  When  1  followed  what  seemed  the  bright 
light  of  learning,  I  saw  that  I  had  only  turned 
aside  from  the  real  question.  Notwithstanding 
the  attraction  of  the  distant  horizon  unfolded 
48 


MY  CONFESSION.  49 

so  clearly  before  me,  notwithstanding  the  charm 
of  losing  myself  in  the  infinity  of  knowledge,  I 
saw  that  the  clearer  it  was  the  less  was  it 
needed  by  me,  the  less  did  it  give  me  an 
answer  to  my  question. 

I  said  to  myself,  "I  know  now  all  that 
science  so  obstinately  seeks  to  learn  ;  but  an 
answer  to  my  question  as  to  the  meaning  of 
my  life  is  not  to  be  obtained  from  science."  I 
saw. that  philosophy,  notwithstanding  that,  or 
perhaps  because  an  answer  to  my  question  had 
become  the  direct  object  of  its  inquiries,  gave 
no  answer  but  the  one  I  had  given  to  myself, 
"  What  is  the  meaning  of  my  life  ?  It  has 
none.  Or  what  will  come  of  my  life  ?  Noth- 
ing. Or  why  does  all  that  is  exist,  and  why 
do  I  exist?  Because  it  does  exist."  When 
I  turned  to  one  branch  of  science,  I  ob- 
tained an  endless  number  of  exact  answers 
to  questions  I  had  not  proposed :  about  the 
chemical  elements  of  the  stars  and  planets, 
about  the  movement  of  the  sun  with  the 
constellation  of  Hercules,  on  the  origin  of 
species  and  of  man,  about  the  infinitely  small 
and  weightless  particles  of  ether  ;  but  the  only 


50  MY  CONFESSION. 

answer  to  my  question  as  to  the  meaning  of  my 
life  was  this,  "  You  are  what  you  call  life  ;  that 
is,  a  temporal  and  accidental  agglomeration  of 
particles.  The  mutual  action  and  reaction  of 
these  particles  on  each  other  has  produced 
what  you  call  your  life.  This  agglomeration 
will  continue  during  a  certain  time,  then  the 
reciprocal  action  of  these  particles  will  cease, 
and  with  it  ends  what  you  call  your  life  and  all 
your  questions  as  well.  You  are  an  acciden- 
tally combined  lump  of  something.  The  lump 
undergoes  decomposition,  this  decomposition 
men  call  life ;  the  lump  falls  asunder,  decom- 
position ceases,  and  with  it  all  doubting." 
This  is  the  answer  from  the  clear  and  positive 
side  of  human  knowledge,  and  if  true  to  its  own 
principles  it  can  give  no  other. 

Such  an  answer,  however,  is  no  answer  to 
the  question  at  all.  I  want  to  know  the  meaning 
of  my  life  ;  and  that  it  is  an  infinite  particle 
not  only  does  not  give  a  meaning  to  it,  but 
destroys  the  possibility  of  a  meaning.  The 
compromise  which  experimental  makes  with 
theoretical  science,  when  it  is  said  that  the 
meaning  of  life  is  development,  and  the  efforts 


MY  CONFESSION.  51 

made  towards  its  attainment,  from  its  obscurity 
and  inaccuracy  cannot  be  considered  an  answer. 
The  theoretical  side  of  human  knowledge, 
when  it  keeps  firmly  to  its  own  principles, 
through  all  time  has  ever  answered  and  still 
answers  one  and  the  same,  "The  world  is 
something  which  is  eternal  and  not  to  be 
understood.  The  life  of  man  is  an  inconceiv- 
able part  of  this  inconceivable  whole." 

Again  I  set  aside  all  the  compromises  be- 
tween theoretical  and  experimental  science 
which  are  the  product  of  the  sham  sciences, 
of  so-called  jurisprudence,  of  political  economy, 
and  of  history.  In  these  sciences  we  have 
again  a  false  conception  of  development  and 
perfection,  with  this  difference,  that  formerly 
it  was  a  development  of  everything,  and  now  it 
is  a  development  of  human  life.  The  inaccu- 
racy is  again  the  same ;  development  and  per- 
fection in  infinity  can  have  no  object,  no  direc- 
tion, and  therefore  can  give  no  answer  to  my 
question.  Whenever  theoretical  knowledge  is 
exact,  where  philosophy  is  true  to  itself,  and 
does  not  simply  serve,  like  what  Schopenhauer 
calls  "professorial   philosophy,"  to    divide    all 


V 


52  MY  CONFESSION. 

existing  phenomena  into  new  columns,  and 
give  to  them  new  names  —  wherever  the 
philosopher  does  not  overlook  the  great 
question  of  all,  the  answer  is  always  the  same, 
the  answer  given  by  Sucrates,  Schopenhauer, 
Solomon,  and  Buddha.  "We  approach  truth 
only  in  the  proportion  as  we  are  farther  from 
life,"  said  Socrates,  when  preparing  to  die. 
What  do  we  who  love  truth  seek  in  life  ?  In 
order  to  be  free  from  the  body  and  all  the  ills 
that  accompany  life  in  it.  If  so,  then,  how 
shall  we  not  be  glad  of  the  approach  of  death? 

A  wise  man  seeks  death  all  his  life,  and 
death  has  no  terrors  for  him.  This  is  what 
Schopenhauer  says :  u  Accept  will  as  the  ulti- 
mate principle  of  the  universe,  and  in  all 
phenomena,  from  the  unconscious  tendencies 
of  the  unknown  forces  of  nature  to  the  con- 
scious activity  of  man,  acknowledge  only  the 
objectivity  of  that  will,  and  we  still  cannot  get 
rid  of  this  logical  consequence,  that  directly 
that  will  uses  its  freedom  to  abdicate,  to  deny 
and  destroy  itself,  all  phenomena  disappear 
with  it,  there  is  an  end  to  the  constant  efforts 
and  impulses  now  going  on,  without  aim  and 


MY  CONFESSION.  53 

without  intermission,  in  every  degree  of  the 
objectivity  in  which  and  through  which  the 
universe  exists,  there  is  an  end  to  the  varieties 
of  successive  forms,  and  with  form  vanish  its 
postulates,  space  and  time,  even  to  the  last  and 
fundamental  elements  of  form,  the  subject  and 
the  object.  If  there  is  no  will,  no  phenomenal 
appearance,  then  there  is  no  universe.  The 
only  thing  that  remains  to  us  is  nothing.  But 
this  passage  to  annihilation  is  opposed  by  our 
own  nature,  by  our  will  to  live,  which  causes 
our  own  existence  and  that  of  the  universe. 
That  we  so  fear  annihilation,  or,  what  is  the 
same,  that  we  so  wish  to  live,  only  shows  that 
we  ourselves  are  nothing  but  that  wish,  and 
know  nothing  beyond  it.  Consequently,  what 
remains  to  us  after  the  annihilation  of  will, 
except  will  again,  is  assuredly  nothing;  on 
the  other  hand,  for  those  in  whom  will  has 
destroyed  itself,  the  whole  of  this  material 
universe  of  ours,  with  all  its  suns  and  its  milky 
ways  —  is  nothing" 

"  Vanity  of  vanities,"  says  Solomon,  "  vanity 
of  vanities,  all  is  vanity.  What  profit  hath  a 
man  of  all  his  labor  which  he  taketh  under 


54  MY  CONFESSION'. 

the  sun  ?  One  generation  passeth  away,  and 
another  generation  conieth :  but  the  earth 
abideth  forever.  .  .  .  The  thing  that  hath 
been,  it  is  that  which  shall  be ;  and  that 
which  is  done  is  that  which  shall  be  done : 
and  there  is  no  new  thing  under  the  sun. 
Is  there  anything  whereof  it  may  be  said,  See, 
this  is  new?  it  hath  been  already  of  old  time, 
which  was  before  us.  t  There  is  no  remem- 
brance of  former  things  ;  neither  shall  there 
be  any  remembrance  of  things  that  are  to  come 
with  those  that  shall  come  after. 

"I  the  Preacher  was  king  over  Israel  in 
Jerusalem.  And  I  gave  my  heart  to  seek  and 
search  out  by  wisdom  concerning  all  things  that 
are  done  under  heaven :  this  sore  travail  hath 
God  given  to  the  sons  of  man  to*  be  exercised 
therewith.  I  have  seen  all  the  works  that  are 
done  under  the  sun ;  and  behold,  all  is  vanity 
and  vexation  of  spirit.  ...  I  communed  with 
mine  own  heart,  saying,  Lo,  I  am  come  to 
great  estate,  and  have  gotten  more  wisdom 
than  all  they  that  have  been  before  me  in 
Jerusalem:  yea,  my  heart  had  great  expe- 
rience   of    wisdom    and    knowledge.     And    I 


MY    CONFESSION.  55 

gave  my  heart  to  know  wisdom,  and  to  know 
madness  and  folly :  I  perceived  that  this  also  is 
vexation  of  spirit.  For  in  much  wisdom  is 
much  grief:  and  he  that  increaseth  knowledge 
increaseth  sorrow. 

"I  said  in  mine  heart,  Go  to  now,  I  will 
prove  thee  with  mirth,  therefore  enjoy  pleasure  : 
and,  behold,  this  also  is  vanity.  I  said  of 
laughter,  It  is  mad :  and  of  mirth,  What  doeth 
it?  I  sought  in  mine  heart  to  give  mys'elf  unto 
wine  (yet  acquainting  mine  heart  with  wis- 
dom), and  to  lay  hold  on  folly,  till  I  might 
see  what  was  that  good  for  the  sons  of  men, 
which  they  should  do  under  the  heaven  all 
the  days  of  their  life.  I  made  me  great  works ; 
I  builded  me  houses ;  I  planted  me  vineyards ; 
I  made  me  gardens  and  orchards,  and  I  planted 
trees  in  them  of  all  kind  of  fruits ;  I  made  me 
pools  of  water,  to  water  therewith  the  wood 
that  bringeth  forth  trees:  I  got  me  servants 
and  maidens,  and  had  servants  born  in  rny 
house ;  also  I  had  great  possessions  of  great 
and  small  cattle  above  all  that  were  in  Jeru- 
salem before  me :  I  gathered  me  also  silver  and 
gold,  and  the  peculiar  treasure  of  kings  and  of 


56  MY  CONFESSION. 

the  provinces:  I  gat  me  men  singers  and 
women  singers,  and  the  delights  of  the  sons  of 
men,  as  musical  instruments,  and  that  of  all 
sorts.  So  I  was  great,  and  increased  more 
than  all  that  were  before  me  in  Jerusalem : 
also  my  wisdom  remained  with  me.  And 
whatsoever  mine  eyes  desired  I  kept  not 
from  them,  I  withheld  not  mine  heart  from 
any  joy.  .  .  .  Then  I  looked  on  all  the  works 
my  hands  had  wrought,  and  on  the  labor  that 
I  had  labored  to  do :  and  behold,  all  was 
vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit,  and  there  was  no 
profit  under  the  sun. 

"And  I  turned  myself  to  behold  wisdom, 
and  madness,  and  folly.  .  .  .  And  I  myself 
perceive  also  that  one  event  happeneth  to  them 
all.  Then  said  I  in  my  heart,  As  it  happeneth 
to  the  fool,  so  it  happeneth  even  to  me  ;  and 
why  was  I  then  more  wise  ?  Then  I  said  in 
my  heart,  that  this  also  is  vanity.  For  there 
is  no  remembrance  of  the  wise  more  than  of 
the  fool  forever  ;  seeing  that  which  now  is  in 
the  days  to  come  shall  be  forgotten.  And  how 
dieth  the  wise  man  ?  as  the  fool. 

"Therefore  I  hated  life;   because  the  work 


MY  CONFESSION.  57 

that  is  wrought  under  the  sun  is  grievous  unto 
me :  for  all  is  vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit.  Yea, 
I  hated  all  my  labor  which  I  had  taken  under 
the  sun  :  because  I  should  leave  it  unto  the 
man  that  shall  be  after  me.  .  .  .  For  what 
hath  man  of  all  his  labor,  and  of  the  vexation 
of  his  heart,  wherein  he  hath  labored  under 
the  sun  ?  For  all  his  days  are  sorrows,  and  his 
travail  grief;  yea,  his  heart  taketh  not  rest  in 
the  night.  This  is  also  vanity.  There  is  noth- 
ing better  for  a  man  than  that  he  should  eat 
and  drink,  and  that  he  should  make  his  soul 
enjoy  good  in  his  labor.  This  also  I  saw,  that 
it  was  from  the  hand  of  God.  .... 

"  All  things  come  alike  to  all :  there  is  one 
event  to  the  righteous,  and  to  the  wicked ;  to 
the  good  and  to  the  clean,  and  to  the  unclean ; 
to  him  that  sacrificeth,  and  to  him  that  sacri- 
ficeth  not:  as  is  the  good,  so  is  the  sinner; 
and  he  that  sweareth,  as  he  that  feareth  an 
oath.  This  is  an  evil  among  all  things  that 
are  done  under  the  sun,  that  there  is  one  event 
unto  all:  yea,  also  the  heart  of  the  sons  of  men 
is  full  of  evil,  and  madness  is  in  their  heart  while 
they  live,  and  after  that  they  go  to  the  dead. 


58  MY  CONFESSION. 

"For  to  him  that  is  joined  to  all  the  living 
there  is  hope :  for  a  living  dog  is  better  than  a 
dead  lion.  For  the  living  know  that  they 
shall  die :  but  the  dead  know  not  anything, 
neither  have  they  anjr  more  a  reward ;  for  the 
memory  of  them  is  forgotten.  Also  their  love, 
and  their  hatred,  and  their  envy,  is  now  per- 
ished ;  neither  have  they  any  more  a  portion  for- 
ever in  anything  that  is  done  under  the  sun." 

Thus  speaks  Solomon,  or  the  one  who  wrote 
the  above ;  and  this  is  what  an  Indian  sage 
says:  "  Sakya  Muni,  the  young  and  happy  heir 
to  a  great  throne,  from  whom  had  been  kept 
the  sight  of  illness,  old  age,  and  death,  once 
while  out  driving  saw  a  horrible-looking,  tooth- 
less old  man.  The  prince  was  much  aston- 
ished, and  asked  the  driver  what  it  meant,  and 
why  the  man  was  in  such  a  pitiable  and  disgust- 
ing state.  When  he  learned  that  this  was  the 
common  lot  of  all  men,  and  that  he  himself, 
prince  and  young  though  he  was,  must  inevita- 
bly one  day  be  the  same,  he  was  unable  to  con- 
tinue his  drive,  and  ordered  the  carriage  to  be 
driven  home,  that  he  might  have  time  to  think 
it  all  over.     He   shut   himself  up   alone   and 


MY  CONFESSION.  59 

thought  it  over.  He  probably  thought  of 
something  which  consoled  him,  for  again  he 
got  into  his  carriage  and  drove  off  merry  and 
happy.  This  time  lie  is  met  by  a  sick  man. 
He  sees  a  worn-out,  tottering  man,  who  is 
quite  blue  in  the  face  and  has  dim  eyes.  The 
prince  stopped  and  asked  what  it  was.  When 
he  was  told  that  it  was  illness,  that  old  men 
are  subject  to  it,  and  he  himself,  young  and 
happy  prince  though  he  was,  might  fall  ill  the 
next  day,  he  again  lost  all  desire  for  amuse- 
ment, and  gave  orders  to  drive  home.  There 
he  again  sought  peace  of  mind,  and  probably 
found  it,  for  soon  after  he  started  again,  for 
the  third  time,  in  his  carriage.  This  time, 
however,  he  saw  something  new  also — some 
men  were  carrying  something  by.  'What  is 
that?'  'A  dead  body.'  'What  does  a  dead 
body  mean  ? '  asks  the.  prince ;  and  he  is  told 
that  to  become  one  means  to  become  what  the 
man  before  him  now  is.  The  prince  descends 
and  approaches  the  body,  uncovers  it,  and 
looks  at  it.  '  What  will  become  of  him  ? '  asks 
the  prince.  He  is  told  that  the  body  will  be 
thrust  into  a  hole  dug  in  the  earth.     '  Why  ?  ' 


60  MY  CONFESSION. 

'Because  he  will  never  be  alive  again,  and 
only  stench  and  worms  can  come  from  him.' 
4  And  that  is  the  lot  of  all  men?  And  it  will 
be  so  with  me?  I  shall  be  put  underground 
to  stink  and  have  worms  come  from  me?' 
4  Yes.'  4  Back !  I  will  not  go  for  the  drive, 
and  never  will  go   again.'  " 

So  Sakya  Muni  could  find  no  comfort  in  life, 
and  he  decided  that  life  was  a  very  great  evil, 
and  applied  all  his  energies  to  freeing  himself 
and  others  from  it,  so  that  after  death,  life 
should  in  no  way  be  renewed,  and  the  very 
root  of  life  should  be  destroyed.  Thus  speak 
all  the  Indian  sages.  Here  we  have  the  only 
direct  answers  which  human  wisdom  can  give 
to  the  problem  of  life.  "  The  life  of  the  body 
is  evil  and  a  lie,  and  so  the  annihilation  of  that 
life  is  a  good  for  which  we  ought  to  wish," 
says  Socrates. 

Life  is  what  it  ought  not  to  be ;  "  an  evil, 
and  a  passage  from  it  into  nothingness  is  the 
only  good  in  life,"  says  Schopenhauer.  Every- 
thing in  the  world,  both  folly  and  wisdom,  both 
riches  and  poverty,  rejoicing  and  grief,  all  is 
vanity  and  worthless.     Man  dies  and  nothing 


MY  CONFESSION.  61 

is  left  of  him,  and  this  again  is  vanity,  says 
Solomon. 

"To  live,  knowing  that  sufferings,  illness, 
old  age,  and  death  are  inevitable,  is  not  possi- 
ble; we  must  get  rid  of  life,  get  rid  of  the 
possibility  of  living,"  says  Buddha. 

And  what  these  powerful  minds  have  said, 
what  millions  on  millions  of  men  have  thought 
and  felt,  has  been  thought  and  felt  by  me. 

Thus  my  wanderings  over  the  fields  of 
knowledge  not  only  failed  to  cure  me  of  my 
despair,  but  increased  it.  One  branch  of 
knowledge  gave  no  answer  at  all  to  the  prob- 
lem of  life,  another  gave  a  direct  answer  which 
confirmed  my  despair,  and  showed  that  the 
state  to  which  I  had  come  was  not  the  result 
of  my  going  astray,  of  any  mental  disorder, 
but,  on  the  contrary,  of  my  thinking  rightly, 
of  my  being  in  agreement  with  the  conclusions 
of  the  most  powerful  intellects  among  man- 
kind. 

I  could  not  be  deceived.  All  was  vanity. 
A  misfortune  to  be  born.  Death  was  better 
than  life,  and  life's  burden  must  be  got  rid  of. 


VII. 

Having  failed  to  find  an  explanation  in 
knowledge,  I  began  to  seek  it  in  life  itself,  hop- 
ing to -frnfcl  it  in^he  men  wfe$  surrounded  me; 
and  I  began  to  watch  men  like  myself,  to 
observe  how  they  lived,  and  how  they  practi- 
cally treated  the  question  which  had  brought 
me  to  despair. 

And  this  is  what  I  found  among  those  of  the 
same  social  position  and  culture  as  myself. 

I  found  that  for  those  who  occupied  the 
same  position  as  myself  there  were  four  means 
of  escape  from  the  terrible  state  in  which  we 
all  were. 

The  first  means  of  escape  is  through  igno- 
rance. It  consists  in  not  perceiving  and  under- 
standing that  life  is  an  evil  and  an  absurdity. 
People  of  this  class  —  for  the  greater  part 
women,  or  men  who  are  either  very  young  or 
very  stupid  —  have  not  understood  the  problem 
of  life  as  it  presented  itself  to  Schopenhauer, 


MY  CONFESSION.  63 

to  Solomon,  and  to  Buddha.  They  see  neither 
the  dragon  awaiting  them,  nor  the  mice  eating 
through  the  plant  to  which  they  cling,  and 
they  taste  the  drops  of  honey.  But  they  only 
lick  the  honey  for  a  time;  something  directs 
their  attention  to  the  dragon  and  the  mice,  and 
there  is  an  end  to  their  tasting.  From  these  I 
could  learn  nothing:  we  cannot  unknow  what 
we  do  know. 

The  second  means  of  escape  is  the  Epicu- 
rean. It  consists  in,  while  we  know  the  hope- 
lessness of  life,  taking  advantage  of  every  good 
there  is  in  it,  in  avoiding  the  sight  of  the 
dragon  and  mice,  and  in  seeking  the  honey  as 
best  we  can,  especially  wherever  there  is  most 
of  it.  Solomon  points  out  this  issue  from  the 
difficulty  thus:  "Then  I  commended  mirth, 
because  a  man  hath  no  better  thing  under  the 
sun,  than  to  eat,  and  to  drink,  and  to  be  merry: 
for  that  shall  abide  with  him  of  his  labor  the 
days  of  his  life,  which  God  giveth  him,  under 
the  sun.  ...  Go  thy  way,  eat  thy  bread  with 
joy,  and  drink  thy  wine  with  a  merry  heart. 
.  .  .  Live  joyfully  with  the  wife  whom  thou 
lovest  all  the  days  of.  the  life   of  thy  vanity, 


64  MY  CONFESSION. 

which  he  hath  given  thee  under  the  sun,  all 
the  days  of  thy  vanity :  for  that  is  thy  portion 
in  this  life,  and  in  thy  labor  which  thou  takest 
under  the  sun.  Whatsoever  thy  hand  findeth 
to  do,  do  it  with  thy  might;  for  there  is  no 
work,  nor  device,  nor  knowledge,  nor  wisdom, 
in  the  grave,  whither  thou  goest." 

Such  is  the  way  in  which  most  people,  who 
belong  to  the  circle  in  which  I  move,  reconcile 
themselves  to  their  fate,  and  make  living  possi- 
ble. They  know  more  of  the  good  than  the 
evil  of  life  from  the  circumstances  of  their 
position,  and  their  blunted  moral  perceptions 
enable  them  to  forget  that  all  their  advantages 
are  accidental,  and  that  all  men  cannot  have 
harems  and  palaces,  like  Solomon  ;  that  for  one 
man  who  has  a  thousand  wives,  there  are  thou- 
sands of  men  who  have  none,  and  for  each  pal- 
ace there  must  be  thousands  of  men  to  build  it 
with  the  sweat  of  their  brow,  and  that  the  same 
chance  which  has  made  me  a  Solomon  to-day 
may  make  me  Solomon's  slave  to-morrow. 
The  dulness  of  their  imagination  enables  these 
men  to  forget  what  destroyed  the  peace  of 
Buddha,  the  inevitable  sickness,  old  age,  and 


MY  CONFESSION.  65 

death,  which  if  not  to-day,  then  to-morrow, 
must  be  the  end  of  all  their  pleasures. 

Thus  think  and  feel  the  majority  of  the  men 
of  our  time  of  the  upper  classes.  That  some 
of  them  call  their  dulness  of  thought  and  imag- 
ination by  the  name  of  positive  philosophy, 
does  not,  in  my  opinion,  separate  them  from 
those  who,  in  order  not  to  see  the  real  question, 
search  for  and  lick  the  honey.  I  could  not 
imitate  such  as  these ;  my  imagination  not 
being  blunted  like  theirs,  I  could  not  artifi- 
cially prevent  its  action.  Like  every  man  who 
who  really  lives,  I  could  not  turn  my  eyes  aside 
from  the  mice  and  the  dragon,  when  I  had 
once  seen  them. 

The  third  means  of  escape  is  through 
strength  and  energy  of  character.  It  consists 
in  destroying  life  when  we  have  perceived  that 
it  is  an  evil  and  an  absurdity.  Only  men  of 
strong  and  unswerving  character  act  thus. 
Understanding  all  the  stupidity  of  the  joke 
that  is  played  with  us,  and  understanding  far 
better  the  happiness  of  the  dead  than  of  the 
living,  they  put  an  end  at  once  to  the  parody 
of  life,  and  bless  any  means  of  doing   it  —  a 


6Q  MY  CONFESSION. 

rope  round  the  neck,  water,  a  knife  in  the 
heart,  or  a  railway  train.  The  number  of 
those  in  my  own  class  who  thus  act  continu- 
ally increases,  and  those  who  do  this  are  gener- 
ally in  the  prime  of  life,  with  their  physical 
strength  matured  and  un weakened,  and  with 
but  few  of  the  habits  that  undermine  man's 
intellectual  powers  yet  formed.  I  saw  that 
this  means  of  escape  was  the  worthiest,  and 
wished  to  make  use  of  it. 

The  fourth  means  of  escape  is  through  weak- 
ness. It  consists,  though  the  evil  and  absur- 
dity of  life  are  well  known,  in  continuing  to 
drag  on,  though  aware  that  nothing  can  come 
of  it.  People  of  this  class  of  mind  know  that 
death  is  better  than  life,  but  have  not  the 
strength  of  character  to  act  as  their  reason  dic- 
tates, to  have  done  with  deceit  and  kill  them- 
selves ;  they  seem  to  be  waiting  for  something 
to  happen.  This  way  of  escape  is  due  solely  to 
weakness,  for  if  I  know  what  is  better,  and  it 
is  within  ray  reach,  why  not  seize  it?  To  this 
class  of  men  I  myself  belonged. 

Thus  do  those  of  ray  own  class,  in  four  diffei*- 
ent  ways,  save  themselves  from  a  terrible  con- 


MY  CONFESSION.  67 

tradiction.  With  the  most  earnest  intellectual 
efforts  I  could  not  find  a  fifth  way.  One  way 
is  to  ignore  life's  being  a  meaningless  jumble  of 
vanity  and  evil,  —  not  to  know  that  it  is  better 
not  to  live.  For  me  not  to  know  this  was  im- 
possible, and  when  I  once  saw  the  truth,  I 
could  not  shut  my  eyes  to  it.  Another  way  is 
to  make  the  best  of  life  as  it  is  without  think- 
ing of  the  future.  This,  again,  I  could  not  do. 
I,  like  Sakya  Muni,  could  not  drive  to  the 
pleasure-ground,  when  I  knew  of  the  existence 
of  old  age,  suffering,  and  death.  My  imagina- 
tion was  too  lively  for  that.  Moreover,  my 
heart  was  ungladdened  by  the  passing  joys 
which  fell  for  a  few  rare  instants  to  my  lot. 
The  third  way  is,  knowing  that  life  is  an  evil 
and  a  foolish  thing,  to  put  an  end  to  it,  to  kill 
one's  self.  I  understood  this,  but  still  did  not 
kill  myself.  The  fourth  way  is  to  accept  life 
as  described  by  Solomon  and  Schopenhauer,  to 
know  that  it  is  a  stupid  and  ridiculous  joke, 
and  yet  live  on,  to  wash,  dress,  dine,  talk,  and 
even  write  books.  This  position  was  painful 
and  disgusting  to  me,  but  I  remained  in  it. 
I  now  see  that  I  did  not  kill  myself  because 


68  my  confession: 

I  had,  in  a  confused  sort  of  way,  an  inkling 
that  my  ideas  were  wrong.  However  persua- 
sive and  unanswerable  the  idea,  which  I  shared 
with  the  wisest  on  earth,  that  life  has  no  mean- 
ing, appeared  to  me,  I  still  felt  a  confused 
doubt  in  the  truth  of  my  conclusions,  which 
formed  itself  thus :  "  My  reason  tells  me  that 
life  is  contrary  to  reason.  If  there  is  nothing 
higher  than  reason  (and  there  is  nothing), 
reason  is  the  Creator  of  my  life  ;  were  there  no 
reason,  there  would  be  no  life  for  me.  How 
can  it  be  that  reason  denies  life,  and  is  at  the 
same  time  its  creator?  Again,  from  the  other 
side,  if  there  were  no  life,  I  should  have  no 
reason,  consequently  reason  is  born  of  life,  and 
life  is  all.  Reason  is  the  product  of  life,  and 
yet  it  denies  life."  I  felt  that  something  here 
was  wrong.  I  said  to  myself:  "Life  undoubt- 
edly has  no  meaning,  and  is  evil,  but  I  have 
lived  and  am  still  alive,  and  so  also  have  lived 
and  are  living  the  whole  human  race.  How  is 
it,  then  ?  Why  do  all  men  live,  when  all  men 
are  able  to  die  ?  Is  it  that  I  and  Schopenhauer 
alone  are  wise  enough  to  have  understood  the 
unmeaning  emptiness  and  evil  of  life  ?  " 


MY  CONFESSION.  69 

To  see  the  inanity  of  life  is  a  simple  matter 
enough,  and  it  has  long  been  apparent  to  the 
simplest  among  us,  but  men  still  live  on.  Yes, 
men  live  on,  and  never  think  of  calling  in  ques- 
tion the  reasonableness  of  life  ! 

My  acquired  knowledge,  confirmed  by  the 
wisdom  of  the  wisest  of  the  world,  showed  me 
that  everything  on  earth,  organic  or  inorganic, 
was  arranged  with  extraordinary  wisdom,  and 
that, my  own  position  alone  was  a  foolish  one. 
But,  all  the  same,  the  enormous  masses  of  those 
fools,  my  fellow-men,  know  nothing  of  the 
organic  or  inorganic  structure  of  the  world,  but 
live  on,  and  it  seems  to  them  that  their  lives 
are  subjected  to  perfectly  reasonable  condi- 
tions ! 

Then  I  thought  to  myself:  "But  what  if 
there  be  something  more  for  me  to  know? 
Surely  this  is  the  way  in  which  ignorance  acts. 
Why,  it  always  says  exactly  what  I  do  now ! 
What  men  are  ignorant  of  they  say  is  stupid. 
It  really  comes  to  this,  that  mankind  as  a  whole 
have  always  lived,  and  are  living,  as  if  they 
understood  the  meaning  of  life,  for  not  doing 
so  they  could  not  live  at  all,  and  yet  I  say  that 


70  MY  CONFESSION. 

all  this  life  has  no  meaning  in  it,  and  that  I 
cannot  live." 

Nobody  prevents  our  denial  of  life  by  suicide, 
but,  then,  kill  yourself  and  you  will  no  longer 
argue  about  it.  If  you  dislike  life,  kill  yourself. 
If  in  your  life  you  cannot  find  a  reason  for  it, 
put  an  end  to  it,  and  do  not  go  on  talking  and 
writing  about  being  unable  to  understand  life. 
You  have  got  into  a  gay  company,  in  which  all 
are  well  satisfied,  all  know  what  they  are  doing, 
and  you  alone  are  wearied  and  repelled ;  then 
get  out  of  it ! 

And  after  all,  then,  what  are  we  who,  per- 
suaded of  the  necessity  of  suicide,  still  cannot 
bring  ourselves  to  the  act,  but  weak,  inconsist- 
ent men,  —  to  speak  more  plainly,  stupid  men, 
who  carry  about  with  them  their  stupidity,  as 
the  fool  carries  his  name  written  upon  his  cap  ? 

Our  wisdom,  indeed,  however  firmly  it  be 
grounded  on  truth,  has  not  imparted  to  us  a 
knowledge  of  the  meaning  of  life,  yet  all  the 
millions  that  share  in  the  life  of  humanity  do 
not  doubt  that  life  has  a  meaning. 

It  is  certainly  true  that,  from  the  far-distant 
time  when  that   life   began  of  which  even   I 


MY  CONFESSION.  71 

know  something,  men  lived  who,  though  they 
knew  what  proved  to  me  that  life  had  no  mean- 
ing, the  argument  of  its  inanity,  still  lived  on, 
and  gave  to  life  a  meaning  of  their  own.  Since 
any  sort  of  life  began  for  men,  they  have  had 
some  conception  of  their  own  about  it,  and 
have  so  lived  down  to  my  own  time.  All  that 
is  in  and  around  me,  physical  or  immaterial,  it 
is  all  the  fruit  of  their  knowledge  of  life.  The 
very  mental  instruments  which  I  have  em- 
ployed against  that  life,  to  condemn  it,  were 
fashioned,  not  by  me,  but  by  them.  I  was 
born,  and  bred,  and  have  grown  up,  thanks  to 
them.  They  dug  out  the  iron,  taught  how  to 
hew  down  the  forests,  to  tame  the  cows  and  the 
horses,  to  sow  corn,  to  live  one  with  another ; 
they  gave  order  and  form  to  our  life  ;  moreover, 
they  taught  me  how  to  think  and  how  to  speak. 
And  I,  the  work  of  their  hands,  their  foster- 
child,  the  pupil  of  their  thoughts  and  sayings, 
have  proved  to  them  they  themselves  had  no 
meaning !  "  There  must  be  something  here," 
said  I,  "  that  is  wrong.  I  have  made  some  mis- 
take. "  I  could  not,  however,  discover  where 
the  mistake  lay. 


VIII. 

All  these  doubts,  which  I  am  now  able  to 
express  more  or  less  clearly,  I  could  not  have 
then  explained.  I  then  only  felt  that,  despite 
the  logical  certainty  of  my  conclusions  as  to 
the  inanity  of  life,  and  confirmed  as  they  were 
by  the  greatest  thinkers,  there  was  something 
wrong  in  them.  Whether  in  the  conclusion 
itself,  or  in  the  way  of  putting  the  question,  I 
did  not  know  ;  I  only  felt  that,  though  my  rea- 
son was  entirely  convinced,  that  was  not 
enough.  All  my  reasoning  could  not  induce 
me  to  act  in  accordance  with  my  convictions, 
i.  e.,  to  kill  myself.  I  should  not  speak  the  truth, 
if  I  said  that  my  reason  alone  brought  me  to 
the  position  in  which  I  was.  Reason  had  been 
at  work  no  doubt,  but  something  else  had 
worked  too,  something  which  I  can  only  call  an 
instinctive  consciousness  of  life.  There  also 
worked  in  me  a  force,  which  determined  my  at- 
tention to  one  thing  rather  than  to  another,  and 
72 


MY  CONFESSION.  73 

it  was  this  that  drew  me  out  of  my  desperate 
position,  and  completely  changed  the  current 
of  my  thoughts.  This  force  led  me  to  the  idea 
that  I,  with  thousands  of  other  men  like  me, 
did  not  form  the  whole  of  mankind,  —  that  I 
was  still  ignorant  of  what  human  life  was. 

When  I  watched  the  restricted  circle  of 
those  who  were  my  equals  in  social  position,  I 
saw  only  people  who  did  not  understand  the 
question,  people  who  kept  down  their  under- 
standing of  it  by  the  excitement  of  life,  people 
who  understood  it  and  put  an  end  to  life,  and 
people  who,  understanding,  lived  on  through 
weakness,  in  despair.  And  I  saw  no  others. 
It  seemed  to  me  that  the  small  circle  of 
learned,  rich,  and  idle  people,  to  which  I  myself 
belonged,  formed  the  whole  of  humanity,  and 
that  the  millions  living  outside  it  were  animals, 
not  men. 

However  strange,  improbable,  and  incon- 
ceivable it  now  seems  to  me,  that  I,  reasoning 
about  life,  could  overlook  the  life  of  mankind 
surrounding  me  on  all  sides,  and  fall  into  such 
an  error  as  to  think  that  the  life  of  a  Solomon, 
a  Schopenhauer,  and  my  own,  was  alone  real 


74  MY  CONCESSION. 

and  fit,  and  the  life  lived  by  unconsidered  mill- 
ions, a  circumstance  unworthy  of. attention  — 
however  strange  this  appears  to  me  now,  I  see 
that  it  was  so  then.  Led  away  by  intellectual 
pride,  it  seemed  to  me  not  to  be  doubted  that 
I,  with  Solomon  and  Schopenhauer,  had  put 
the  question  so  exactly  and  truly  that  there 
could  be  no  other  form  of  it ;  it  seemed  un- 
questionable that  all  these  millions  of  men  had 
failed  to  'conceive  the  depth  of  the  question, 
that  I  had  sought  the  meaning  of  my  life ;  and 
it  never  once  occurred  to  me  to  think,  "  But 
what  meaning  has  been  given,  what  meaning  is 
given  now,  by  the  millions  of  those  who  have 
lived  and  are  living  on  earth?  " 

I  long  lived  in  this  state  of  mental  aberra- 
tion, which,  though  its  theories  are  not  always 
openly  professed,  is  not  the  less  common  among 
those  who  are  supposed  to  be  the  most  learned 
and  most  liberal  part  of  society.  But  whether, 
thanks  to  my  strange  kind  of  instinctive  affec- 
tion for  the  laboring  classes,  which  impelled 
me  to  understand  them,  and  to  see  that  they 
are  not  so  stupid  as  we  think,  or  thanks  to  the 
sincerity  of  my  conviction  that  I  could  know 


MY  CONFESSION'.  75 

nothing  beyond  the  advisability  of  hanging 
myself,  I  felt  that,  if  I  wished  to  live  and  un- 
derstand the  meaning  of  life,  I  must  seek  it  not 
amongst  those  who  have  lost  their  grasp  on  it, 
and  wish  to  kill  themselves,  but  among  the 
millions  of  the  living  and  the  dead,  who  have 
made  our  life  what  it  is,  and  on  whom  now 
rests  the  burden  of  our  life  and  their  own. 

So  I  watched  the  life  common  to  such  enor- 
mous numbers  of  the  dead  and  the  living,  the 
life  of  simple,  unlearned,  and  poor  men,  and 
found  something  quite  different.  I  saw  that 
all  these  millions,  with  rare  exceptions,  did  not 
come  under  any  division  of  the  classification 
which  I  had  made;  I  could  not  count  thein 
among  those  who  do  not  understand  the  ques- 
tion, because  they  not  only  put  it  but  answer  it 
very  clearly ;  to  count  them  among  the  Epicu- 
reans I  was  also  unable,  because  their  life  has 
far  more  of  privation  and  suffering  than  of 
enjoyment ;  to  count  them  amongst  those  who, 
against  their  reason,  live  through  a  life  without 
meaning,  was  still  less  possible,  because  every 
act  of  their  lives,  and  death  itself,  is  explained 
by  them.     Self-murder  they  look  upon  as  the 


76  MY  CONFESSION. 

greatest  of  evils.  It  appeared  that  throughout 
mankind  there  was  a  sense  given  to  the  mean- 
ing of  life  which  I  had  neglected  and  despised. 
It  came  to  this,  that  the  knowledge  based  on 
reason  denied  a  meaning  to  life,  and  declined 
to  make  it  a  subject  of  inquiry,  while  the 
meaning  given  by  the  millions  that  form  the 
great  whole  of  humanity  was  founded  on  a 
despised  and  fallacious  knowledge. 

The  knowledge  based  on  reason,  the  knowl- 
edge of  the  learned  and  the  wise,  denies  a 
meaning  in  life,  and  the  great  mass  of  all  the 
rest  of  mankind  have  an  unreasoning  con- 
sciousness of  life  which  gives  a  meaning  to  it. 

This  unreasoning  knowledge  is  the  faith 
which  I  could  not  but  reject.  This  is  God,  one 
and  yet  three ;  this  is  the  creation  in  six  days, 
the  devils  and  the  angels  ;  and  all  that  I  cannot, 
while  I  keep  my  senses,  understand.  My  posi- 
tion was  a  terrible  one.  I  knew  that  from  the 
knowledge  which  reason  has  given  man,  I  could 
get  nothing  but  the  denial  of  life,  and  from 
faith  nothing  but  the  denial  of  reason,  which 
last  was  even  more  impossible  than  the  denial 
of  life.     The  result  of  the  former  was  that  life 


MY  CONFESSION.  77 

is  an  evil  and  that  men  know  it  to  be  one,  that 
men  may  cease  to  live  if  they  will,  but  that 
they  always  go  on  living  —  I  myself  lived  on, 
though  I  had  long  known  that  life  had  no  sense 
nor  good  in  it.  The  result  of  the  latter  was 
that,  in  order  to  understand  the  meaning  of 
life,  I  must  abandon  the  guide  without  which 
there  can  be  no  meaning  in  anything,  my  rea- 
son itself. 


IX. 

I  WAS  stopped  by  a  contradiction  which 
could  only  be  explained  in  two  ways :  either 
what  I  called  reasonable  was  not  so  reasonable 
as  I  thought  it,  or  what  I  called  unreasonable 
was  not  so  unreasonable  as  I  thought  it.  I 
began  by  verifying  the  process  of  thinking 
through  which  I  had  been  led  to  the  conclu- 
sions of  reasoning  knowledge. 

On  doing  this  I  found  the  process  complete 
without  a  flaw.  The  conclusion  that  life  was 
nothing  was  inevitable ;  but  I  discovered  a 
mistake.  The  mistake  was  that  I  had  not  con- 
fined my  thoughts  to  the  question  proposed. 
The  question  was,  why  should  I  live,  i.  e.,  what 
of  real  and  imperishable  will  come  of  my  shad- 
owy and  perishable  life  —  what  meaning  has 
my  finite  existence  in  the  infinite  universe  ? 
And  I  had  tried  to  answer  this  by  studying 
life. 

It  was  evident  that  the  decision  of  any  num- 
ber of  questions  concerning  life  could  not  sat- 
78 


MY  CONFESSION.  '      79 

isfy  me,  because  my  question,  however  simple 
it  seemed  at  first,  included  the  necessity  of 
explaining  infinity  by  infinity,  and  the  con- 
trary. I  asked  myself  what  meaning  my  life 
had  apart  from  time,  causation,  and  space. 
After  long  and  earnest  efforts  of  thinking,  I 
could  only  answer  —  none  at  all. 

Through  all  my  reasoning  with  myself  I  con- 
stantly compared,  and  I  could  not  do  other- 
wise, the  finite  with  the  finite,  and  the  infinite 
with  the  infinite,  and  the  conclusion  was  conse- 
quently inevitable :  a  force  is  a  force,  matter  is 
matter,  will  is  will,  infinity  is  infinity,  nothing 
is  nothing  —  and  beyond  that  there  was  no  re- 
sult. It  was  like  what  happens  in  mathematics, 
when  instead  of  an  equation  to  resolve  we  get 
identical  terms.  The  process  of  solution  is  cor- 
rect, but  our  answer  is  a  =  a,  x  =  x,  or  0  =  0. 
This  happened  to  me  in  my  inquiries  into  the 
meaning  of  my  life.  The  answers  given  by 
science  to  the  question  were  all  "  identity." 

Strict  scientific  inquiry,  like  that  carried  on 
by  Descartes,  begins  undoubtedly  with  a  doubt 
of  everything,  throws  aside  all  knowledge 
founded  on  belief,  and  reconstructs  all  in  accord- 


80  my  confession: 

ance  with  the  laws  of  reason  and  experience, 
while  it  can  give  but  one  answer  to  the  ques- 
tion about  the  meaning  of  life,  the  one  which  I 
myself  obtained  —  an  indefinite  one.  It  seemed 
to  me  at  first  that  science  did  give  a  positive 
answer,  the  answer  of  Schopenhauer :  life  has 
no  meaning,  it  is  an  evil ;  but,  when  I  inquired 
more  closely  into  the  matter,  I  perceived  that 
the  answer  was  not  positive,  that  it  was  my  own 
feeling  alone  made  me  think  it  so.  The  answer 
is  expressed  in  the  same  terms  as  is  that  of  the 
Brahmins,  of  Solomon,  and  of  Schopenhauer, 
and  is  only  an  indefinite  one,  —  the  identity  of 
0  and  0,  life  is  nothing.  This  philosophical 
knowledge  denies  nothing,  but  answers  that  the 
question  cannot  be  decided  by  it,  —  that  the 
matter  remains  indefinite. 

When  I  had  come  to  this  conclusion,  I  under- 
stood that  it  was  useless  to  seek  an  answer  to 
my  question  from  scientific  knowledge,  because 
the  latter  only  shows  that  no  answer  can  be  ob- 
tained till  the  question  is  put  differently,  —  till 
the  question  be  made  to  include  the  relation 
between  the  finite  and  the  infinite.  I  also  un- 
derstood that,  however  unreasonable  and  mon- 


MY  CONFESSION.  81 

strous  the  answers  given  by  faith,  they  do  bring 
in  the  relation  of  the  finite  to  the  infinite. 

However  the  question,  How  am  I  to  live  ?  be 
put,  the  same  answer  is  obtained  —  by  the  law 
of  God.  Will  anything  real  and  positive  come 
of  my  life,  and  what?  Eternal  torment,  or 
eternal  bliss.  Is  there  a  meaning  in  life  not  to 
be  destroyed  by  death,  and,  if  so,  what  ?  Union 
with  an  infinite  God,  paradise. 

In  this  way  I  was  compelled  to  admit  that, 
besides  the  reasoning  knowledge,  which  I  once 
thought  the  only  true  knowledge,  there  was  in 
every  living  man  another  kind  of  knowledge,  an 
unreasoning  one,  but  which  gives  a  possibility 
of  living  —  faith. 

All  the  unreasonableness  of  faith  remained 
for  me  the  same  as  ever,  but  I  could  not  but 
confess  that  faith  alone  gave  man  an  answer  as 
to  the  meaning  of  life,  and  the  consequent  pos- 
sibility of  living. 

When  scientific  reasoning  brought  me  to  the 
conclusion  that  my  life  had  no  meaning,  life 
stood  still  in  me,  and  I  wished  to  end  it.  When 
I  looked  at  the  men  around  me,  at  humanity  as 
a  whole,  I  saw  that  men  did  live,  and  that  they 


82  MY  CONFESSION. 

affirmed  their  knowledge  as  to  the  meaning  of 
life.  For  other  men,  as  for  myself,  faith  gave 
a  possibility  of  living  and  a  meaning  to  life. 

On  examining  life  in  other  countries  than  my 
own,  as  well  among  my  contemporaries  as 
among  those  who  have  passed  away,  I  found  it 
but  one  and  the  same.  From  the  beginning 
of  the  human  race,  wherever  there  is  life  there 
is  the  faith  which  makes  life  possible,  and 
everywhere  the  leading  characteristics  of  that 
faith  are  the  same. 

Whatever  answers  any  kind  of  faith  ever 
gives  to  any  one,  every  one  of  these  answers 
clothes  with  infinity  the  finite  existence  of  man, 
gives  a  meaning  to  life  which  triumphs  over 
suffering,  privation,  and  death.  In  faith,  there- 
fore, alone  is  found  a  possibility  of  living  and  a 
meaning  in  life.  What  is  this  faith  ?  I  under- 
stood that  faith  is  not  only  the  apprehension  of 
things  unseen,  is  not  only  a  revelation  (that  is 
only  a  definition  of  one  of  the  signs  of  faith),  is 
not  the  relation  of  man  to  God  (faith  must  first 
be  determined,  and  then  God,  and  not  faith 
through  God),  and  is  not,  as  it  has  so  often 
been   understood,  acquiescence — faith  is   the 


MY  CONFESSION.  83 

knowledge  of  the  meaning  of  man's  life, 
through  which  man  does  not  destroy  himself, 
but  lives.     Faith  is  the  force  of  life. 

If  a  man  lives,  he  believes  in  something.  If 
he  did  not  believe  that  there  was  something  to 
live  for,  he  would  not  live.  If  he  does  not  see 
and  understand  the  unreality  of  the  finite,  he 
believes  in  the  finite  ;  if  he  sees  that  unreality, 
he  must  believe  in  the  infinite.  Without  faith 
there  is  no  life. 

I  then  went  back  upon  all  the  past  stages  of 
my  mental  state,  and  was  terrified.  It  was  now 
clear  to  me  that  for  any  one  to  live  it  was 
necessary  for  him  either  to  be  ignorant  of  in- 
finity or  to  accept  an  explanation  of  the  mean- 
ing of  life  which  should  equalize  the  finite  and 
the  infinite.  Such  an  explanation  I  had,  but  I 
had  no  need  of  it  while  I  believed  in  the  finite, 
and  I  began  to  apply  to  my  explanation  the 
tests  of  reason,  and  in  the  light  of  the  latter  all 
former  explanations  were  shown  to  be  worth- 
less. But  the  time  when  I  ceased  to  believe  in 
the  finite  passed,  and  I  tried  to  raise  my  mental 
structure  on  the  foundation  that  I  knew  an  ex- 
planation which  gave  a  meaning  to  life,  but  I 


84  MY  CONFESSION. 

tried  in  vain.  Like  so  many  of  the  greatest 
minds  of  earth,  I  came  only  to  the  conclusion 
that  0  =  0,  and,  though  nothing  else  could  have 
come  of  it,  I  was  much  astonished  to  have  ob- 
tained such  an  answer  to  my  problem. 

What  did  I  do  when  I  sought  an  answer  in 
the  study  of  experimental  science  ?  I  wanted 
to  know  why  I  lived,  and  to  that  end  I  studied 
everything  outside  myself.  Clearly  in  this  way 
I  might  learn  much,  but  nothing  of  that  which 
I  needed. 

What  did  I  do  when  I  sought  an  answer  in 
the  study  of  philosophy  ?  I  studied  the 
thoughts  of  others  in  the  same  position  as  my- 
self, and  who  had  no  answer  to  the  question  — 
what  is  life  ?  Clearly  I  could  in  this  way  learn 
nothing  but  what  I  myself  knew,  namely,  that 
it  was  impossible  to  know  anything. 

What  am  I  ?  —  a  part  of  the  infinite  whole. 
In  those  few  words  lay  the  whole  problem. 

Could  it  be  that  men  had  only  now  begun  to 
put  this  question  to  themselves?  Could  it  be 
that  no  one  before  myself  had  asked  this 
simple  question,  that  must  occur  even  to  the 
mind  of  an  intelligent  child? 


MY  CONFESSION-.  85 

Since  man  has  been  on  earth  this  question 
lias  to  a  certainty  been  put,  and  to  a  certainty 
it  has  been  understood  that  the  decision  of  this 
question  is  equally  unsatisfactory,  whether  the 
iinitebe  compared  with  the  finite,  and  the  in- 
finite with  the  infinite,  or  the  solution  sought 
and  expressed  in  the  relation  of  the  finite  to  the 
infinite. 

All  these  conceptions  of  the  equality  of  the 
finite  and  the  infinite,  through  which  we  receive 
the  ideas  of  life,  of  God,  of  freedom,  of  good, 
when  we  submit  them  to  logical  analysis,  will 
not  bear  the  tests  of  reason. 

If  it  were  not  so  terrible,  it  would  be  laugh- 
able to  think  of  the  pride  and  self-confidence 
with  which  we,  like  children,  pull  out  our 
watches,  take  away  the  spring,  make  a  play- 
thing of  them,  and  are  then  astonished  that  they 
will  no  longer  keep  time. 

The  decision  of  the  contradiction  between 
the  finite  and  the  infinite,  and  such  an  answer 
to  the  question  of  what  is  life  as  shall  enable 
us  to  live,  is  wanted  by  and  is  dear  to  us.  The 
only  answer  is  the  one  to  be  found  everywhere, 
always,    and    among    all    nations,    an    answer 


86  MY  CONFESSION. 

which  has  come  down  to  us  from  the  times  in 
which  the  origin  of  human  life  is  lost,  an 
answer  so  difficult  that  we  could  never  our- 
selves have  come  to  it  —  this  answer  we  in  our 
careless  indifference  get  rid  of,  by  again  rais- 
ing the  question  which  presents  itself  to  every 
one,  but  which  no  one  can  answer. 

The  conception  of  an  infinite  God,  of  the 
divinity  of  the  soul,  of  the  way  in  which  the 
affairs  of  men  are  related  to  God,  of  the  unity 
and  reality  of  the  spirit,  man's  conception  of 
moral  good  and  evil,  these  are  conceptions 
worked  out  through  the  infinite  mental  labors 
of  mankind;  conceptions  without  which  there 
would  be  no  life,  without  which  I  should  not 
myself  exist,  and  yet  I  dare  to  reject  the  labors 
of  the  whole  human  race,  and  to  venture  on 
working  out  the  problem  again  in  my  own  way 
alone. 

I  did  not  at  the  time  think  so,  but  the  germs 
of  these  thoughts  were  already  within  me.  I 
understood  (1)  that  the  position  assumed  by 
Schopenhauer,  Solomon,  and  myself,  with  all 
our  wisdom,  was  a  foolish  one :  we  understand 
that  life   is   an   evil,  and  yet  we   live.     This 


MY  CONFESSION.  87 

clearly  is  foolish,  because  if  life  is  foolish,  and 
I  care  so  much  for  reason,  life  should  be  put 
an  end  to,  and  then  there  would  be  no  one  to 
deny  it.  (2)  I  understood  that  all  our  argu- 
ments turned  in  a  charmed  circle,  like  a  cog- 
wheel the  teeth  of  which  no  longer  catch  in 
another.  However  much  and  however  well  we 
reason,  we  get  no  answer  to  our  question,  it 
will  always  be  0  =  0,  and  consequently  our 
method  is  probably  wrong.  (3)  I  began  to 
understand  that  in  the  answers  given, by  faith 
was  to  be  found  the  deepest  source  of  human 
wisdom,  that  I  had  no  reasonable  right  to 
reject  them,  and  that  they  alone  solved  the 
problem  of  life. 


X. 

I  understood  what  I  have  just  stated,  but 
my  heart  was  none  the  lighter  for  it. 

I  was  now  ready  to  accept  any  faith  that  did 
not  require  of  me  a  direct  denial  of  reason,  for 
that  would  be  to  act  a  lie  ;  and  1  studied  the 
books  of  the  Buddhists  and  the  Mahometans, 
and  especially  also  Christianity,  both  in  its 
writings  and  in  the  lives  of  its  professors 
around  me. 

I  naturally  turned  my  attention  at  first  to 
the  believers  in  my  own  immediate  circle,  to 
learned  men,  to  orthodox  divines,  to  the  elders 
among  the  monks,  to  the  teachers  of  a  new 
shade  of  doctrine,  the  so-called  New  Christians, 
who  preach  salvation  through  faith  in  a  Re- 
deemer. I  seized  upon  these  believers,  and 
demanded  from  them  what  they  believed  in, 
and  what  for  them  gave  a  meaning  to  life. 

Notwithstanding  that  I  made  every  possible 
concession,  that  I  avoided  all  disputes,  I  could 
88 


my  confession:  89 

not  accept  the  faith  of  these  men.  I  saw  that 
what  they  called  their  faith  did  not  explain 
but  obscured  the  meaning  of  life,  and  that  they 
professed  it,  not  in  order  to  answer  the  ques- 
tion as  to  life  which  had  attracted  me  towards 
faith,  but  for  some  other  purpose  to  which  I 
was  a  stranger. 

I  remember  how  terribly  I  felt  the  return  of 
the  old  feeling  of  despair,  after  the  hopes  with 
which  my  connection  with  these  people  had 
from  time  to  time  inspired  me. 

The  more  minutely  they  laid  their  doctrines 
before  me,  the  more  clearly  I  perceived  their 
error,  the  more  I  lost  all  hope  of  finding  in 
their  faith  an  explanation  of  the  meaning  of 
life. 

I  was  not  so  much  alienated  by  the  unneces- 
sary and  unreasonable  doctrines  which  they  had 
mingled  with  the  Christian  truths  always  so 
dear  to  me,  as  by  the  fact  that  their  lives  were 
like  my  own,  the  only  difference  being  that 
they  did  not  live  according  to  the  doctrines 
which  they  professed.  I  felt  that  they  de- 
ceived themselves,  and  that  for  them,  as  for 
myself,  the  only  meaning  of   life  was  to  live 


90  MY  CONFESSION. 

from  hand  to  mouth,  and  take  each  for  him- 
self all  that  his  hands  can  lay  hold  on.  I  saw 
this,  because  had  the  ideas  of  life  which  they 
conceived  done  away  with  fear,  privation, 
suffering,  and  death,  they  would  not  have 
feared  them.  But  these  believers  of  my  own 
class,  the  same  as  I  myself,  lived  in  comfort 
and  abundance,  struggled  to  increase  and  pre- 
serve it,  were  afraid  of  privation,  suffering,  and 
death ;  and  again,  like  myself  and  all  other  not 
true  believers,  satisfied  the  lusts  of  the  flesh, 
and  led  lives  as  evil  as,  if  not  worse  than,  those 
of  infidels  themselves. 

No  arguments  were  able  to  convince  me  of 
the  sincerity  of  the  faith  of  these  men.  Only 
actions,  proving  their  conception  of  life  to 
have  destroyed  that  fear  of  poverty,  illness, 
and  death,  so  strong  in  myself,  could  have  con- 
vinced me,  and  such  actions  among  them  I 
could  not  see.  Such  actions,  I  saw,  indeed, 
among  the  open  infidels  of  my  own  class  in  life, 
but  never  among  its  so-called  believers. 

I  understood,  then,  that  the  faith  of  these 
men  was  not  the  faith  which  I  sought;  that  it 
was  no  faith  at  all,  but  only  an  Epicurean  con- 


MY  C0KFESSI02T.  91 

solation.  I  understood  that  this  faith,  if  it 
could  not  really  console,  could  at  least  soothe 
the  repentant  mind  of  a  Solomon  on  his  death- 
bed, but  that  it  could  not  serve  the  enormous 
majority  of  mankind,  who  are  born,  not  to  be 
comforted  by  the  labors  of  others,  but  to  create 
a  life  for  themselves.  For  mankind  to  live,  for 
it  to  continue  to  live  and  be  conscious  of  the 
meaning  of  its  life,  all  these  millions  must  have 
another  and  a  true  conception  of  faith.  It  was 
not,  then,  that  I,  Solomon,  and  Schopenhauer 
had  not  killed  ourselves,  which  convinced  me 
that  faith  existed,  but  that  these  millions  have 
lived  and  are  now  living,  carrying  along  with 
them  on  the  impulse  of  their  life  both  Solomon 
and  ourselves. 

I  began  to  draw  nearer  to  the  believers 
among  the  poor,  the  simple,  and  the  ignorant, 
the  pilgrims,  the  monks,  the  sectaries,  and  the 
peasants.  The  doctrines  of  these  men  of  the 
people,  like  those  of  the  pretended  believers  of 
my  own  class,  were  Christian.  Here  also 
much  that  was  superstitious  was  mingled  with 
the  truths  of  Christianity,  but  with  this  differ- 
ence, that  the  superstition  of  the  believers  of 


92  MY  CONFESSION. 

my  own  class  was  not  needed  by  them,  and 
never  influenced  their  lives  beyond  serving  as 
a  kind  of  Epicurean  distraction,  while  the 
superstition  of  the  believing  laboring  class  was 
so  interwoven  with  their  lives  that  it  was 
impossible  to  conceive  them  without  it — it 
was  a  necessary  condition  of  their  living  at  all. 
The  whole  life  of  the  believers  of  my  own  class 
was  in  flat  contradiction  with  their  faith,  and 
the  whole  life  of  the  believers  of  the  people 
was  a  confirmation  of  the  meaning  of  life 
which  their  faith  gave  them. 

Thus  I  began  to  study  the  lives  and  the 
doctrines  of  the  people,  and  the  more  I  studied 
the  more  I  became  convinced  that  a  true  faith 
was  among  them,  that  their  faith  was  for  them 
a  necessary  thing,  and  alone  gave  them  a 
meaning  in  life  and  a  possibility  of  living.  In 
direct  opposition  to  what  I  saw  in  my  own 
circle  —  the  possibility  of  living  without  faith, 
and  not  one  in  a  thousand  who  professed 
himself  a  believer  —  amongst  the  people  there 
was  not  in  thousands  a  single  unbeliever. 
In  direct  opposition  to  what  I  saw  in  my 
own   circle  —  a   whole   life   spent   in   idleness, 


MY  CONFESSION'.  93 

amusement,  and  dissatisfaction  with  life  —  I 
saw  among  the  people  whole  lives  passed  in 
heavy  labor  and  unrepining  content.  In 
direct  opposition  to  what  I  saw  in  my  own 
circle  —  men  resisting  and  indignant  with  the 
privations  and  sufferings  of  their  lot  —  the  peo- 
ple unhesitatingly  and  unresistingly  accepting 
illness  and  sorrow,  in  the  quiet  and  firm  con- 
viction that  all  was  for  the  best.  In  contradic- 
tion to  the  theory  that  the  less  learned  we  are 
the  less  we  understand  the  meaning  of  life,  and 
see  in  our  sufferings  and  death  but  an  evil 
joke,  these  men  of  the  people  live,  suffer,  and 
draw  near  to  death,  in  quiet  confidence  and 
oftenest  with  joy.  In  contradiction  to  the 
fact  that  an  easy  death,  without  terror  or 
despair,  is  a  rare  exception  in  my  own  class, 
a  death  which  is  uneasy,  rebellious,  and  sor- 
rowful is  among  the  people  the  rarest  excep- 
tion of  all.  These  men,  deprived  of  all  that 
for  us  and  for.  Solomon  makes  the  only  good 
in  life,  experience  the  highest  happiness  both 
in  amount  and  kind.  I  looked  more  carefully 
and  more  widely  around  me,  I  studied  the  lives 
of  the   past  and   contemporary  masses  of  hu- 


94  MY  CONFESSION. 

manity,  and  I  saw  that,  not  two  or  three,  not 
ten  or  a  hundred,  but  thousands  and  mill- 
ions had  so  understood  the  meaning  of  life 
that  they  were  able  both  to  live  and  to  die. 
All  these  men,  infinitely  divided  by  manners, 
powers  of  mind,  education,  and  position,  all 
alike  in  opposition  to  my  ignorance,  were 
well  acquainted  with  the  meaning  of  life 
and  of  death,  quietly  labored,  endured  priva- 
tion and  suffering,  lived  and  died,  and  saw 
in  all  this,  not  a  vain,  but  a  good  thing.   . 

I  began  to  grow  attached  to  these  men. 
The  more  I  learned  of  their  lives,  the  lives 
of  the  living  and  of  the  dead  of  whom  I 
read  and  heard,  the  more  I  liked  them,  and 
the  easier  I  felt  it  so  to  live.  I  lived  in 
this  way  during  two  years,  and  then  there 
came  a  change  which  had  long  been  preparing 
in  me,  and  the  symptoms  of  which  I  had 
always  dimly  felt:  the  life  of  my  own  circle 
of  rich  and  learned  men,  not  only  became 
repulsive,  but  lost  all  meaning  whatever.  All 
our  actions,  our  reasoning,  our  science  and 
art,  all  appeared  to  me  in  a  new  light.  I 
understood  that   it  was  all   child's   play,  that 


MY  CONFESSION.  95 

it  was  useless  to  seek  a  meaning  in  it.  The 
life  of  the  working  classes,  of  the  whole  of 
mankind,  of  those  that  create  life,  appeared 
to  me  in  its  true  significance.  I  understood 
that  this  was  life  itself,  and  that  the  meaning 
given  to  this  life  was  a  true  one,  and  I  ac- 
cepted it. 


XT. 

When  I  remembered  how  these  very  doc- 
trines had  repelled  me,  how  senseless  they 
had  seemed  when  professed  by  men  whose 
lives  were  spent  in  opposition  to  them,  and 
how  they  had  attracted  me  and  seemed 
thoroughly  reasonable  when  I  saw  men  liv- 
ing in  accordance  with  them,  I  understood 
why  I  had  once  rejected  them  and  thought 
them  unmeaning,  why  I  now  adopted  'them 
and  thought  them  most  reasonable.  I  under- 
stood that  I  had  erred,  and  how  I  had  erred. 
I  had  erred,  not  so  much  through  having 
thought  incorrectly,  as  through  having  lived 
ill.  I  understood  that  the  truth  had  been 
hidden  from  me,  not  so  much  because  I  had 
erred  in  my  reasoning,  as  because  I  had  led 
the  exceptional  life  of  an  epicure  bent  on 
satisfying  the  lusts  of  the  flesh.  I  under- 
stood that  my  question  as  to  what  my  life 
was,  and  the  answer,  an  evil,  were  in  accord- 
96 


MY    CONFESSION.  97 

ance  with  the  truth  of  things.     The  mistake 

lay  in    my  having   applied   an    answer   which 

only  concerned  myself   to   life    in  general.     I 

> 
had    asked   what   my   own   life   was,   and   the 

answer  was,  an  evil  and  a  thing  without 
meaning.  Exactly  so,  my  life  was  but  a  long 
indulgence  of  my  passions ;  it  was  a  thing 
without  meaning,  an  evil;  and  such  an  answer, 
therefore,  referred  only  to  my  own  life,  and 
not  to  human  life  in  general. 

I  understood  the  truth  which  I  afterwards 
found  in  the  Gospel ;  "  That  men  loved  dark- 
ness rather  than  light,  because  their  deeds 
were  evil.  For  every  man  that  doeth  evil 
hateth  the  light,  neither  cometh  to  the  light, 
lest  his  deeds  should  be  reproved."  I  under- 
stood that,  for  the  meaning  of  life  to  be  under- 
stood, it  was  first  necessary  that  life  should 
be  something  more  than  an  evil  and  unmean- 
ing thing  discovered  by  the  light  of  reason. 
I  understood  why  I  had  so  long  been  near 
to,  without  apprehending,  this  self-evident 
truth,  and  that  if  we  would  judge  and 
speak  of  the  life  of  mankind,  we  must  take 
that  life  as  a  whole,  and  not  merely  certain 
parasitic  adjuncts  to  it. 


98  my  confession: 

This  trulli  was  always  a  truth,  as  2  X  2  =  4, 
but  I  had  not  accepted  it,  because,  besides 
acknowledging  2  X  2  =  4,  I  should  have  ac- 
knowledged that  I  was  evil.  It  was  of  more 
importance  to  me  to  feel  that  I  was  good,  more 
binding  on  me,  than  to  believe  2x2  =  4. 
I  loved  good  men,  I  hated  myself,  and  I  ac- 
cepted truth.  Now  it  was  all  clear  to  me. 
What  if  the  executioner,  who  passes  his  life 
in  torturing  and  cutting  off  heads,  or  a  con- 
firmed drunkard,  asked  himself  the  question, 
What  is  life  ?  he  could  but  get  the  same 
answer  as  a  madman  would  give,  who  had 
shut  himself  up  for  life  in  a  darkened  chamber, 
and  who  believed  that  he  would  perish  if  he 
left  it;  and  that  answer  could  but  be  —  Life 
is  a  monstrous  evil. 

The  answer  would  be  a  true  one,  but  only 
for  the  man  who  gave  it.  Here,  then,  was  I 
such  a  madman  ?  Were  all  of  us  rich,  clever, 
idle  men,  mad  like  this  ?  I  understood  at  last 
that  we  were ;  that  I,  at  any  rate,  was.  Look 
at  the  birds ;  they  live  but  to  fly,  to  pick  up 
their  food,  to  build  their  nests,  and  when  T  see 
them   doing    this   their   gladness   rejoices   me. 


MY  CONFESSION.  99 

The  goat,  the  hare,  the  wolf  live  but  to  feed 
and  multiply,  and  bring  up  their  young;  and 
when  I  see  them  doing  this,  I  am  well  con- 
vinced of  their  happiness,  and  that  their  life  is 
a  reasonable  one.  What,  then,  should  man  do  ? 
He  also  must  gain  his  living  like  the  animals, 
but  with  this  difference,  that  he  will  perish  if 
he  attempt  it  alone ;  he  must  labor,  not  for 
himself,  but  for  all.  And  when  he  does  so,  I 
am  firmly  convinced  he  is  happy,  and  his  life  is 
a  reasonable  one. 

What  had  I  done  during  my  thirty  years  of 
conscious  life  ?  I  had  not  only  not  helped  the 
life  of  others,  I  had  done  nothing  for  my  own. 
I  had  lived  the  life  of  a  parasite,  and  contented 
myself  with  my  ignorance  of  the  reason  why  I 
lived  at  all.  If  the  meaning  of  the  life  of  man 
lies  in  his  having  to  work  out  his  life  himself, 
how  could  I,  who  during  thirty  years  had  done 
my  best  to  ruin  my  own  life  and  that  of  others, 
expect  to  receive  any  other  answer  to  my  ques- 
tioning of  life  but  this,  that  my  life  was  an  evil 
and  had  no  meaning  in  it  ?  It  was  an  evil ;  it 
was  without  meaning. 

The  life  of  the  world  goes  on  through  the  will 


100  MY  CONFESSION. 

of  some  one.  Some  one  makes  our  own  life  and 
that  of  the  universe  his  own  inscrutable  care, 
/i  j  To  have  a  hope  of  understanding  what  that 
will  means,  we  must  first  carry  it  out,  we  must 
do  what  is  required  of  us.  Unless  I  do  what  is 
required  of  me,  I  can  never  know  what  that 
may  be,  and  much  less  know  what  is  required 
of  us  all  and  of  the  whole  universe. 

If  a  naked,  hungry  beggar  be  taken  from  the 
cross-roads  into  an  enclosed  space  in  a  splendid 
establishment,  to  be  well  clothed  and  fed,  and 
made  to  work  a  handle  up  and  down,  it  is  evi- 
dent that  the  beggar,  before  seeking  to  know 
why  he  has  been  taken,  why  he  must  work  the 
handle,  whether  the  arrangements  of  the  estab- 
lishment are  reasonable  or  not,  must  first  do  as 
he  is  directed.  If  he  do  so  he  will  find  that  the 
handle  works  a  pump,  the  pump  draws  up 
water,  and  the  water  flows  into  numerous  chan- 
nels for  watering  the  earth.  He  will  then  be 
taken  from  the  well  and  set  to  other  work ;  he 
will  gather  fruits  and  enter  into  the  joy  of  his 
lord.  As  he  passes  from  less  to  more  important 
labors,  he  will  understand  better  and  better 
the  arrangements  of  the  whole  establishment ; 


MY  COXFESSIOX.  101 

and  he  will  take  his  share  in  them  without  once 
stopping  to  ask  why  he  is  there,  nor  will  he 
ever  think  of  reproaching  the  lord  of  that  place. 
And  thus  it  is  with  those  that  do  the  will  of 
their  master ;  no  reproaches  come  from  simple 
and  ignorant  working-men,  from  those  whom 
we  look  upon  as  brutes.  But  we  the  while,  wise 
men  that  we  are,  devour  the  goods  of  the  mas- 
ter, and  do  nothing  of  that  which  he  wills  us  to 
do-;  but  instead,  seat  ourselves  in  a  circle  to 
argue  why  we  should  move  the  handle,  for  that 
seems  to  us  stupid.  And  when  we  have 
thought  it  all  out,  what  is  our  conclusion? 
Why,  that  the  master  is  stupid,  or  that  there  is 
none,  while  we  ourselves  are  wise,  only  we  feel 
that  we  are  fit  for  nothing,  and  that  we  must 
somehow  or  other  get  rid  of  ourselves. 


XII. 

My  conviction  of  the  error  into  which  all 
knowledge  based  on  reason  must  fall  assisted 
me  in  freeing  myself  from  the  seductions  of 
idle  reasoning.  The  conviction  that  a  knowl- 
edge of  truth  can  only  be  gained  by  living,  led 
me  to  doubt  the  justness  of  my  own  life ,  but  I 
had  only  to  get  out  of  my  own  particular 
groove,  and  look  around  me  to  observe  the  sim- 
ple life  of  the  real  working  class,  to  understand 
that  such  a  life  was  the  only  real  one.  I 
understood  that,  if  I  wished  to  understand  life 
and  its  meaning,  I  must  live,  not  the  life  of  a 
parasite,  but  a  real  life  ;  and,  accepting  the 
meaning  given  to  it  by  the  combined  lives  of 
those  that  really  form  the  great  human  whole, 
submit  it  to  a  close  examination. 

At  the  time  I  am  speaking  of,  the  following 
wTas  my  position. 

During  the  whole  of  that  year,  when  I  was 
constantly  asking  myself  whether  I  should  or 
should  not  put  an  end  to  it  all  with  a  cord  or  a 

102 


MY  CONFESSION.  103 

pistol,  during  the  time  that  my  mind  was  occu- 
pied with  the  thoughts  which  I  have  described, 
my  heart  was  oppressed  by  a  tormenting  feel- 
ing, which  I  cannot  describe  otherwise  than  as 
a  searching  after  God. 

This  search  after  a  God  was  not  an  act  of  my 
reason,  but  a  feeling,  and  I  say  this  advisedly, 
because  it  was  opposed  to  my  way  of  thinking ; 
it  came  from  the  heart.  It  was  a  feeling  of 
dread,  or  orphanhood,  of  isolation  amid  things 
all  apart  from  me,  and  of  hope  in  a  help  I 
knew  not  from  whom.  Though  I  was  well 
convinced  of  the  impossibility  of  proving  the 
existence  of  God  —  Kant  had  shown  me,  and  I 
had  thoroughly  grasped  his  reasoning,  that  this 
did  not  admit  of  proof — I  still  sought  to  find 
a  God,  still  hoped  to  do  so,  and  still,  from  the 
force  of  former  habits,  addressed  myself  to  one 
in  prayer.  Him  whom  I  sought,  however,  I 
did  not  find. 

At  times  I  went  over  in  my  mind  the  argu- 
ments of  Kant  and  of  Schopenhauer,  showing 
the  impossibility  of  proving  the  existence  of  the 
Deity;  at  times  I  began  to  refute  their  reasoning. 

I  would  say  to  myself  that  causation  is  not  in 


104  MY  CONFESSION. 

the  same  category  as  thought  and  space  and 
time.  If  I  am,  there  is  a  cause  of  my  being, 
and  that  the  cause  of  all  causes.  That  cause  of 
all  things  is  what  is  called  God  ;  and  I  dwelt 
upon  this  idea,  and  strove  with  all  the  force 
that  was  in  me  to  reach  a  consciousness  of  the 
presence  of  this  cause. 

No  sooner  was  I  conscious  of  a  power  over 
me  than  I  felt  a  possibility  of  living.  Then  I 
asked  myself :  "  What  is  this  cause,  this 
power?  How  am  I  to  think  of  it?  What  is 
my  relation  to  what  I  call  God?"  And  only 
the  old  familiar  answer  came  into  my  mind, 
"  He  is  the  creator,  the  giver  of  all."  This 
answer  did  not  satisfy  me,  and  I  felt  that  the 
staff  of  life  failed  me,  I  fell  into  great  fear,  and 
began  to  pray  to  Him  whom  I  sought,  that  He 
would  help  me.  But  the  more  I  prayed,  the 
clearer  it  became  that  I  was  not  heard,  that 
there  was  no  one  to  whom  to  pray.  With  de- 
spair in  my  heart  that  there  was  no  God,  I 
cried  :  "  Lord,  have  mercy  on  me,  and  save  ! 
O  Lord,  my  God,  teach  me  !  "  But  no  one  had 
mercy  on  me,  and  I  felt  that  life  stood  still 
within  me. 


my  confession:  105 

Again  and  again,  however,  the  conviction 
came  back  to  me  that  I  could  not  have  ap- 
peared on  earth  without  any  motive  or  mean- 
ing,—  that  I  could  not  be  such  a  fledgling 
dropped  from  a  nest  as  I  felt  myself  to  be. 
What  if  I  wail,  as  the  fallen  fledgling  does  on 
its  back  in  the  grass?  It  is  because  I  know 
that  a  mother  bore  me,  cared  for  me,  fed  me, 
and  loved  me.  Where  is  that  mother?  If  I 
have  been  thrown  out,  then  who  threw  me  ?  I 
cannot  but  see  that  some  one  who  loved  me 
brought  me  into  being.  Who  is  that  some 
one  ?  Again  the  same  answer,  God.  He 
knows  and  sees  my  search,  my  despair,  my 
struggle.  "  He  is,"  I  said  to  myself.  I  had 
only  to  admit  that  for  an  instant  to  feel  that 
life  re-arose  in  me,  to  feel  the  possibility  of  ex- 
isting and  the  joy  of  it.  Then,  again,  from  the 
conviction  of  the  existence  of  God,  I  passed  to 
the  consideration  of  our  relation  towards  Him, 
and  again  I  had  before  me  the  triune  God,  our 
Creator,  who  sent  His  Son,  the  Redeemer. 
Again,  I  felt  this  to  be  a  thing  apart  from  me 
and  from  the  world.  This  God  melted,  as  ice 
melts,  from  before  my  eyes ;    again   there   was 


106  MY  CONFESSION. 

nothing  left,  again  the  source  of  life  dried  up. 
I  fell  once  more  into  despair,  and  felt  that  I 
had  nothing  to  do  but  to  kill  myself,  while, 
worst  of  all,  I  felt  also  that  I  should  never 
do  it. 

I  went  through  these  changes  of  conviction 
and  mood,  not  once,  not  twice,  but  hundreds 
of  times  —  now  joy  and  excitement,  now  despair 
from  the  knowledge  of  the  impossibility  of 
life. 

I  remember  one  day  in  the  early  spring-time 
I  was  listening  to  the  sounds  of  a  wood,  and 
thinking  only  of  one  thing,  the  same  of  which 
I  had  constantly  thought  for  two  years  —  I  was 
again  seeking  for  a  God. 

I  said  to  myself:  "It  is  well,  there  is  no 
God,  there  is  none  that  has  a  reality  apart  from 
my  own  imaginings,  none  as  real  as  my  own 
life  —  there  is  none  such.  Nothing,  no  mira- 
cles can  prove  there  is,  for  miracles  only  exist 
in  my  own  unreasonable  imagination." 

And  then  I  asked  myself:  "But  my  concep- 
tion of  the  God  whom  I  seek,  whence  comes 
it?1'  And  again  life  flashed  joyously  through 
my  veins.     All  around  me  seemed  to  revive,  to 


MY  CONFESSION.  107 

have  a  new  meaning.  My  joy,  though,  did  not 
last  long,  for  reason  continued  its  work  :  "  The 
conception  of  God  is  not  God.  Conception  is 
what  goes  on  within  myself;  the  conception  of 
God  is  an  idea  which  I  am  able  to  rouse  in  my 
mind  or  not  as  I  choose ;  it  is  not  what  I  seek, 
something  without  which  life  could  not  be." 
Then  again  all  seemed  to  die  around  and  with- 
in me,  and  again  I  wished  to  kill  myself. 
,  After  this  I  began  to  retrace  the  process 
which  had  gone  on  within  myself,  the  hundred 
times  repeated  discouragement  and  revival.  I 
remembered  that  I  had  lived  only  when  I  be- 
lieved in  a  God.  As  it  was  before,  so  it  was 
now;  I  had  only  to  know  God,  and  I  lived;  I 
had  only  to  forget  Him,  not  to  believe  In  Him, 
and  I  died.  What  was  this  discouragement 
and  revival?  I  do  not  live  when  I  lose  faith 
in  the  existence  of  a  God ;  1  should  long  ago 
have  killed  myself,  if  I  had  not  had  a  dim  hope 
of  finding  Him.  I  only  really  live  when  I  feel 
and  seek  Him.  "What  more,  then,  do  I 
seek?"  A  voice  seemed  to  cry  within  me, 
"This  is  He,  He  without  whom  there  is  no  life. 
To  know  God  and  to  live  are  one.    God  is  life." 


108  MY  CONFESSION. 

Live  to  seek  God,  and  life  will  not  be  with- 
out Him.  And  stronger  than  ever  rose  up  life 
within  and  around  me,  and  the  light  that  then 
shone  never  left  me  again. 

Thus  I  was  saved  from  self-murder.  When 
and  how  this  change  in  me  took  place  I  could 
not  say.  As  gradually,  imperceptibly  as  life 
had  decayed  in  me,  till  I  reached  the  impossi- 
bility of  living,  till  life  stood  still,  and  I  longed 
to  kill  myself,  so  gradually  and  imperceptibly 
I  felt  the  glow  and  strength  of  life  return  to 
me. 

It  was  strange,  but  this  feeling  of  the  glow 
of  life  was  no  new  sensation  ;  it  was  old  enough, 
for  I  had  been  led  away  by  it  in  the  earlier 
part  of  my  life.  I  returned,  as  it  were,  to  the 
past,  to  childhood  and  my  youth.  I  returned 
to  faith  in  that  Will  which  brought  me  into 
being  and  which  required  something  of  me  ;  I 
returned  to  the  belief  that  the  one  single  aim 
of  life  should  be  to  become  better ;  that  is,  to 
live  in  accordance  with  that  Will ;  I  returned 
to  the  idea  that  the  expression  of  that  Will  was 
to  be  found  in  what,  in  the  dim  obscurity  of 
the  past,  the  great  human  unity  had  fashioned 


MY  CONFESSION.  109 

for  its  own  guidance;  in  other  words,  I 
returned  to  a  belief  in  God,  in .  moral  per- 
fectibility, and  in  the  tradition  which  gives 
a  meaning  to  life.  The  difference  was  that 
formerly  I  had  unconsciously  accepted  this, 
whereas  now  I  knew  that  without  it  I  could 
not  live. 

The  state  of  mind  in  which  I  then  was  may 
be  likened  to  the  following.  It  was  as  if  I  had 
suddenly  found  myself  sitting  in  a  boat  which 
had  been  pushed  off  from  some  shore  unknown 
to  me,  had  been  shown  the  direction  of  the 
opposite  shore,  had  had  oars  given  me,  and  had 
been  left  alone.  I  use  the  oars  as  best  I  can, 
and  row  on ;  but  the  farther  I  go  towards  the 
centre,  the  stronger  becomes  the.  current  which 
carries  me  out  of  my  course,  and  the  oftener  I 
meet  other  navigators,  like  myself,  carried 
away  by  the  stream.  There  are  here  and  there 
solitary  sailors  who  row  hard,  there  are  others 
who  have  thrown  down  their  oars,  there  are 
large  boats,  and  enormous  ships  crowded  with 
men ;  some  struggle  against  the  stream,  others 
glide  on  with  it.  The  farther  I  get,  the  more, 
as  I  watch  the  long  line  floating  down  the  cur- 


110  MY  CONFESSION. 

rent,  I  forget  the  course  pointed  out  to  me  as 
my  own.  In  the  very  middle  of  the  stream, 
beset  by  the  crowd  of  boats  and  vessels,  and 
carried  like  them  along,  I  forget  altogether  in 
what  direction  I  started,  and  abandon  my  oars. 
From  all  sides  the  joyful  and  exulting  naviga- 
tors, as  they  row,  or  sail  down  stream,  with 
one  voice  cry  out  to  me  that  there  can  be  no 
other  direction.  I  believe  them,  and  let  my- 
self go  with  them.  I  am  carried  far,  so  far 
that  I  hear  the  roar  of  the  rapids  in  which  I 
must  perish,  and  I  already  see  boats  that  have 
been  broken  up  within  them.  Then  I  come 
to  myself.  It  is  long  before  I  clearly  com- 
prehend what  has  happened.  I  see  before 
me  nothing  but  destruction.  I  am  hurry- 
ing towards  it;  what,  then,  must  I  do?  On 
looking  back,  however,  I  perceive  a  count- 
less multitude  of  boats  engaged  in  a  cease- 
less struggle  against  the  force  of  the  torrent, 
and  then  I  remember  all  about  the  shore, 
the  oars,  and  the  course,  and  at  once  I  begin 
to  row  hard  up  the  stream  and  again  towards 
the  shore. 

The  shore  is  God,  the  course  tradition,  the 


MY  CONFESSION.  Ill 

oars  are  the  free-will  given  me  to  make  for  the 
shore  to  seek  union  with  the  Deity.  And  thus 
the  vital  force  was  renewed  in  me,  and  I  began 
again  to  live. 


XIII. 

I  renounced  the  life  of  my  own  class,  for 
I  had  come  to  confess  that  it  was  not  a  real 
life,  only  the  semblance  of  one,  that  its  super- 
fluous luxury  prevented  the  possibility  of 
understanding  life,  and  that  in  order  to  do  so 
I  must  know,  not  an  exceptional  parasitic 
life,  but  the  simple  life  of  the  working-classes, 
the  life  which  fashions  that  of  the  world,  and 
gives  it  the  meaning  which  the  working-classes 
accept.  The  simple  laboring  men  around  me 
were  the  Russian  people,  and  I  turned  to  this 
people  and  to  the  meaning  which  it  gives  to 
life. 

This  meaning  may,  perhaps,  be  expressed  as 
follows :  — 

We  have  all  of  us  come  on  earth  by  the  will 
of  God,  and  God  has  so  created  man  that  each 
of  us  is  able  to  ruin  or  to  save  his  soul.  The 
problem  of  man's  life  being  to  save  his  soul,  he 
must  live  after  God's  Word:  to  live  after 
112 


my  confession:  113 

God's  word,  he  must  renounce  all  tlie  pleasures 
of  life,  labor,  be  humble,  endure,  and  be  chari- 
table to  all  men.  This  to  the  people  is  the 
meaning  of  the  whole  system  of  faith,  as  it  has 
come  down  to  them  through,  and  is  now  given 
them  by,  the  pastors  of  their  Church  and  the 
traditions  which  exist  among  them. 

This  meaning  was  clear  to  me,  and  dear  to 
my  heart.  This  popular  faith,  however,  among 
the  non-sectarian  communities  in  which  I 
moved,  was  inextricably  bound  up  with  some- 
thing else  so  incapable  of  being  explained  that 
it  repelled  me.  I  mean  the  sacraments  of  the 
Church,  the  fasts,  and  the  bowing  before  relics 
and  images.  The  people  were  unable  to  sepa- 
rate these  things,  and  no  more  could  I. 
Though  many  things  belonging  to  the  faith 
of  the  people  appeared  strange  to  me,  I  ac- 
cepted everything,  I  attended  the  church  ser- 
vices, prayed,  morning  and  evening,  fasted, 
prepared  for  the  communion  ;  and,  while  doing 
all  this,  for  the  first  time  felt  that  my  reason 
found  nothing  to  object  to.  What  had  for- 
merly seemed  to  me  impossible,  now  roused 
not  the  slightest  opposition  in  me. 


114  MY  CONFESSION. 

The  position  which  I  occupied  with  relation 
to  questions  of  faith  had  become  quite  different 
to  what  it  once  was.  Formerly,  life  itself  had 
seemed  to  me  full  of  meaning,  and  faith  an 
arbitrary  assertion  of  certain  useless  and  un- 
reasonable propositions  which  had  no  direct 
bearing  on  life.  I  had  tried  to  find  out  their 
meaning ;  and,  once  convinced  they  had  none, 
had  thrown  them  aside.  Now,  on  the  contrary, 
I  knew  for  certain  that  my  life  had  not  and 
could  not  have  any  meaning,  and  that  the 
propositions  of  faith,  not  only  appeared  no 
longer  useless  to  me,  but  had  been  shown  be- 
yond dispute  by  my  own  experience  to  be  that 
which  alone  gave  a  meaning  to  life.  Formerly 
I  looked  upon  them  as  a  worthless,  illegible 
scrawl;  now  I  did  not  understand  them,  but 
knew  that  they  had  a  meaning,  and  resolved  to 
find  it  out. 

I  reasoned  thus:  Faith  springs,  like  man  and 
his  reason,  from  the  mysterious  first  cause. 
That  cause  is  God,  in  whom  begin  the  body 
and  the  mind  of  man.  As  my  body  proceeded 
through  successive  gradations  from  God  to  me, 
so  have  my  reason  and  my  conception  of  life 


my  confession:  115 

proceeded  from  Him,  and  consequently  the 
steps  of  this  process  of  development  cannot  be 
false.  All  that  men  sincerely  believe  in  must 
be  true;  it  may  be* differently  expressed,  but  it 
cannot  be  a  lie,  and  consequently,  if  it  seem 
to  me  a  lie,  that  must  be  because  I  do  not 
understand  it. 

Again,  I  said  to  myself:  The  true  office  of 
faith  is  to  give  a  meaning  to  life  which  death 
cajinot  destroy.  It  is  only  natural  that  for 
faith  to  give  an  answer  to  the  question  of  the 
king  dying  amid  every  luxury,  of  the  old  and 
labor-worn  slave,  of  the  unthinking  child,  of 
the  aged  sage,  of  the  half-witted  old  woman, 
of  the  happy  girl  full  of  the  strong  passions  of 
youth,  of  all  of  both  sexes  under  all  possible  dif- 
ferences of  position  and  education,  —  it  is  only 
natural  that,  if  there  be  but  one  answer  to  the 
one  eternally  repeated  question — "  Why  do  I 
live,  and  what  will  come  of  my  life?"  —  the 
answer,  though  one  and  the  same  in  reality, 
should  be  infinitely  varied  in  its  form ;  that,  in 
exact  proportion  to  its  unvarying  unity,  to  its 
truth,  and  its  depth,  it  should  appear  strange, 
and   even  monstrous,  in  the  attempts  to  find 


116  MY  CONFESSION. 

due  expression  which  are  owing  to  the  bring- 
ing-up,  and  the  social  state  of  each  individual 
answerer.  But  this  reasoning,  which  justified 
the  oddities  of  the  ritual  side  of  faith,  was 
insufficient  to  make  me  feel  that  I  had  a  right, 
in  a  matter  like  faith,  now  become  the  one  bus- 
iness of  my  life,  to  take  part  in  acts  of  which  I 
still  am  doubtful.  I  ardently  desired  to  be  one 
with  the  people,  and  conform  to  the  rites 
which  they  practised,  but  I  could  not  do  it.  I 
felt  that  I  should  lie  to  myself,  and  mock  what 
I  held  most  sacred,  if  I  did  this  thing.  At 
this  point  our  new  Russian  theologians  came  to 
my  assistance. 

According  to  the  explanation  of  these 
divines,  the  fundamental  dogma  of  faith  is  the 
infallibility  of  the  Church.  From  the  accep- 
tance of  this  dogma  follows,  as  a  necessary  con- 
sequence, the  truth  of  all  that  is  taught  by 
the  Church.  The  Church,  as  the  assembly  of 
believers  united  in  love,  and  consequently  pos- 
sessing true  knowledge,  becomes  the  founda- 
tion of  my  faith.  I  argued  that  the  truth 
which  is  in  God  cannot  be  attained  by  any 
one  man, — it  can  only  be  reached  by  the  union 


MY  CONFESSION.  117 

of  all  men  through  love.  In  order  to  attain 
the  truth,  we  must  not  go  each  his  own  way  ; 
and,  to  avoid  division,  we  must  have  love  one 
to  the  other,  and  bear  with  things  which  we  do 
not  agree  with.  Truth  is  revealed  in  love,  and, 
therefore,  if  we  do  not  obey  the  ordinances  of 
the  Church,  we  destroy  love,  and  make  it  im- 
possible for  us  to  know  truth. 

At  the  time  I  did  not  perceive  the  sophism 
involved  in  this  reasoning.  I  did  not  then 
see  that  union  through  love  may  develop  love 
to  the  highest  degree,  but  can  never  give  the 
truth  that  comes  from  God,  as  stated  in  the 
words  of  the  Nicene  Creed,  —  that  love  can 
never  make  any  particular  form  of  creed  bind- 
ing on  all  believers.  I  did  not  then  see  error 
in  this  reasoning,  and,  thanks  to  it,  I  was  able 
to  accept  and  practise  all  the  rites  of  the  Or- 
thodox Church,  but  without  understanding  the 
greater  part  of  them.  I  struggled  earnestly  to 
set  aside  all  reasoning,  all  contradictions,  and 
endeavored  to  explain  as  reasonably  as  I  could 
all  the  doctrines  of  the  Church  which  presented 
any  difficulty. 

While  thus  fulfilling  the  ordinances  of  the 


118  MY  CONFESSION. 

Church,  I  submitted  my  reason  to  the  tradition 
adopted  by  the  mass  of  my  fellow-men.  I 
united  myself  to  my  ancestors,  to  my  beloved 
father,  mother,  and  grandparents.  They  and 
all  before  them,  lived,  and  believed,  and 
brought  me  into  being.  I  joined  the  millions 
of  the  people  whom  I  loved.  Moreover,  there 
was  nothing  bad  in  all  this,  for  bad  with  me 
meant  the  indulgence  of  the  lusts  of  the  flesh. 
When  I  got  up  early  to  attend  divine  service,  I 
knew  that  I  did  well,  were  it  only  because,  for 
the  sake  of  a  closer  union  with  my  ancestors 
and  contemporaries,  I  tamed  my  intellectual 
pride,  and,  in  order  to  seek  for  a  meaning  in 
life,  sacrificed  my  bodily  comfort.  It  was  the 
same  with  preparing  for  the  communion,  the 
daily  reading  of  prayers,  the  bowing  to  the 
ground,  and  the  observance  of  all  the  fasts. 
However  insignificant  the  sacrifices  were,  they 
were  made  in  a  good  cause.  I  prepared  for  the 
communion,  fasted,  and  observed  regular  hours 
for  prayer  both  at  home  and  at  church.  While 
listening  to  the  church  service,  I  weighed 
every  word,  and  gave  it  a  meaning  whenever  I 
could.     At  mass  the  words  which  appeared  to 


MY  CONFESSION.  119 

me  to  have  most  importance  were  the  follow- 
ing: uLet  us  love  one  another  in  unity." 
What  follows  —  the  confession  of  belief  in 
the  Father,  the  Son,  and  the  Holy  Ghost  — 
I  passed  over,  because  I  could  not  under- 
stand it. 


XIV. 

It  was  so  necessary  for  me  at  that  time  to 
believe  in  order  to  live,  that  I  unconsciously 
concealed  from  myself  the  contradictions  and 
the  obscurities  in  the  commonly  received  doc- 
trines. 

This  interpretation  of  the  sense  of  the  ritual 
had,  however,  its  limits.  Though  the  leading 
points  of  the  Liturgy  became  clearer  and 
clearer  to  me ;  though  I  gave  a  kind  of  mean- 
ing to  such  expressions  as  "  Remembering  our 
Sovereign  Lady,  the  most  Holy  Mother  of  God, 
and  all  the  Saints,  let  us  devote  ourselves, 
each  other,  and  our  whole  lives  to  the  Christ 
God  " ;  though  I  explained  the  frequent  repeti- 
tion of  prayers  for  the  Emperor  and  his  family 
by  the  fact  that  they  were  more  exposed  to 
temptation  than  others,  and  were  therefore 
more  in  need  of  prayer,  and  the  prayers  for 
victory  over  our  enemies  and  opponents  to 
mean  victory  over  the  principle  of  evil ;  never- 
theless the  hymn  of  the  Cherubim,  the  prepara- 
120 


MY  CONFESSION.  121 

tion  of  the  bread  and  wine,  the  adoration  of 
the  Virgin — in  short,  two-thirds  of  the  whole 
service  —  either  remained  for  me  without  an 
explanation  at  all,  or  made  me  feel  that  the 
only  one  I  could  apply  to  them  was  false,  while 
to  lie  was  to  break  off  my  connection  with 
God,  and  lose  utterly  the  possibility  of  believ- 
ing. 

I  felt  the  same  at  the  celebration  of  the 
principal  Church  holidays.  I  could  under- 
stand the  seventh  clay,  the  consecration  of  a 
day  to  communion  with  God.  The  great  holi- 
day, however,  was  in  remembrance  of  the 
Resurrection,  the  reality  of  which  I  could 
neither  imagine  nor  understand.  It  was  this 
which  gave  a  name  to  the  holiday  in  each 
week,  to  the  Sunday,  to  the  day  on  which  the 
sacrament  of  the  Eucharist  was.  given,  a  mys- 
tery which  to  me  was  utterly  inconceivable. 
The  other  twelve  holidays,  with  the  exception 
of  Christmas,  were  all  in  remembrance  of  mira- 
cles, which  I  tried  not  to  think  of  in  order  not 
to  deny :  the  Ascension,  Pentecost,  Epiphany, 
the  Intercession  of  the  Virgin,  and  so  on.  On 
these  holidays,  I  felt  that  the  greatest  impor- 


122  MY  CONFESSION. 

tance  was  given  to  what  I  believed  to  be  of  the 
least,  and  I  either  held  fast  to  the  explanation 
which  quieted  me  most,  or  else  shut  my  eyes  so 
as  not  to  see  what  disquieted  me. 

This  feeling  came  upon  me  strongest  when- 
ever I  took  part  in  the  most  ordinary,  and 
generally  considered  the  most  important,  sacra- 
ments, as  christening  and  the  holy  communion. 
Here  I  had  to  do  with  nothing  difficult,  but 
with  what  was  easy  to  be  understood:  such  acts 
appeared  to  me  a  delusion,  and  I  was  on  the 
horns  of  a  dilemma  —  to  lie,  or  to  reject. 

I  shall  never  forget  the  painful  feeling  I  ex- 
perienced when  I  took  the  communion  for  the 
first  time  after  many  years.  The  service,  the 
confession,  the  prayers,  all  this  was  understood 
by  me,  and  produced  the  glad  conviction  that 
the  meaning  of  life  lay  open  to  me.  The  com- 
munion I  explained  to  myself  as  an  action 
done  in  remembrance  of  Christ,  and  as  signify- 
ing a  cleansing  from  sin  and  a  complete  accept- 
ance of  Christ's  teaching.  If  this  explanation 
was  an  artificial  one,  I  at  least  did  not  perceive 
it.  It  was  such  happiness  for  me  to  humble 
myself  with  a  quiet  heart  before  the  priest,  a 


MY  CONFESSION.  123 

simple  and  mild  old  man,  and  repenting  of  my 
sins,  to  lay  bare  all  the  past  troubles  of  my 
soul ;  it  was  such  happiness  to  be  united  in 
spirit  with  the  meek  Fathers  of  the  Church  who 
composed  these  prayers ;  such  happiness  to  be 
one  with  all  who  have  believed  and  who  do 
believe,  that  I  could  not  feel  my  explanation 
was  an  artificial  one.  But  when  I  drew  near 
to  the  altar,  and  the  priest  called  upon  me  to 
repeat  that  I  believed  that  what  I  was  about  to 
swallow  was  the  real  body  and  blood,  I  felt  a 
sharp  pain  at  the  heart ;  it  was  no  uncon- 
sidered word,  it  was  the  hard  demand  of  one 
who  could  never  have  known  what  faith  was. 

I  now  allow  myself  to  say  that  it  was  a  hard 
demand,  but  then  I  did  not  think  so ;  it  was 
only  exquisitely  painful.  I  no  longer  thought, 
as  I  had  done  in  my  youth,  that  all  was  clear  in 
life ;  I  had  been  drawn  towards  faith  because 
outside  it  I  had  found  nothing  but  ruin,  and  as 
therefore  I  could  not  throw  faith  aside,  I  had 
believed  and  submitted.  I  had  found  in  my 
heart  a  feeling  of  humility  and  meekness  which 
had  helped  me  to  do  this.  I  humbled  myself 
again,  I   swallowed  the   blood  and   the   body 


124  MY  CONFESSION. 

without  any  mocking  thoughts  in  the  wish  to 
believe,  but  the  shock  had  been  given,  and 
knowing  what  awaited  me  another  time,  I 
could  never  go  again. 

I  still  continued  an  exact  observance  of  the 
rites  of  the  Church,  and  I  still  believed  that  the 
doctrines  I  followed  were  true  ;  and  then  there 
happened  to  me  a  thing  which  now  is  clear 
enough,  but  which  then  appeared  to  me  very 
strange. 

I  once  listened  to  the  discourse  of  an  unlet- 
tered peasant  pilgrim.  He  spoke  of  God,  of 
faith,  of  life,  and  of  salvation,  and  a  knowledge 
of  what  faith  was  seemed  open  to  me. 

I  went  amongst  the  people,  familiarizing  my- 
self with  their  ideas  of  life  and  faith,  and  the 
truth  became  clearer  and  clearer  to  me.  It  was 
the  same  when  I  read  the  "  Martyrology  "  and 
"  Prologues  "  ;  they  became  my  favorite  books. 
With  the  exception  of  the  miracles,  and  looking 
upon  these  as  fables  to  bring  out  forcibly  the 
thought,  the  reading  of  these  books  revealed  to 
me  the  meaning  of  life.  There  I  found  the 
lives  of  Macarius  the  Great ;  of  Tosaph  the 
Prince  (the  story  of  Buddha)  ;  the  discourses 


MY  CONFESSION.  125 

of  St.  Chrysostom  ;  the  story  of  the  traveller  in 
the  well ;  of  the  Monk  who  found  gold ;  of 
Peter  the  Publican  ;  —  this  is  the  history  of  the 
martyrs,  of  those  who  have  all  testified  the 
same,  that  life  does  not  end  with  death ;  here 
we  have  the  story  of  unlettered  foolish  men, 
who  knew  nothing  of  the  doctrines  of  the 
Church. 

But  "no  sooner  did  I  mix  with  learned  be- 
lieyers,  or  consult  their  books,  than  doubts, 
uneasiness,  and  the  bitterness  of  dispute  came 
over  me,  and  I  felt  that  the  more  I  studied 
their  discourses  the  more  I  wandered  from  the 
truth,  the  nearer  I  came  to  the  precipice. 


XV. 

How  often  have  I  not  envied  the  peasant, 
nnable  to  read  or  write,  his  lack  of  learning. 
The  very  doctrines  of  faith  which  to  me  were 
nonsense  contained  for  him  nothing  that  was 
false ;  he  was  able  to  accept  them  and  to 
believe  in  truth,  the  same  truth  in  which  I 
believed;  while  to  me,  unhappy  one,  it  was 
clear  that  truth  was  connected  with  falsehood 
by  the  finest  threads  of  difference,  and  that  I 
could  not  receive  it  in  such  a  form. 

In  this  condition  I  lived  for  three  years,  and 
when  I  first,  like  a  new  convert,  little  by  little 
drew  nearer  to  truth,  and,  led  by  an  instinct, 
groped  my  way  to  the  light,  these  obstacles 
seemed  to  me  less  formidable.  When  I  failed 
to  understand  anything,  I  said,  "  I  am  wrong,  I 
am  wicked."  But  the  more  I  became  imbued 
with  the  spirit  of  the  truths  which  I  studied, 
the  more  surely  I  saw  them  to  be  the  substratum 
of  life,  the  greater  and  more  formidable  became 

126 


MY  CONFESSION.  127 

the  obstacles,  the  more  clearly  defined  the  line 
which  I  was  unable  to  understand,  and  of  which 
I  could  only  seek  an  explanation  through  lying 
unto  myself. 

Notwithstanding  all  my  doubts  and  suffer- 
ings, I  still  remained  in  the  Orthodox  Church ; 
but  practical  questions  arose  which  required 
immediate  decision,  and  the  decisions  of  the 
Church,  contrary  to  the  elementary  principles 
of  the  faith  by  which  I  lived,  compelled  me 
finally  to  abandon  all  communion  with  it. 

The  questions  were,  in  the  first  place,  the 
relation  of  the  Orthodox  Church  to  other 
churches,  to  Catholicism  and  the  so-called 
Sectaries.  The  interest  which  I  took  in  this 
great  question  of  faith  led  me  at  this  time  to 
form  acquaintance  with  the  professors  of  dif- 
ferent creeds,  Catholics,  Protestants,  Old  Be- 
lievers, New  Dissenters,  and  others,  and  among 
them  I  found  many  who  sincerely  believed  and 
obeyed  the  highest  moral  standard.  I  desired 
to  be  a  brother  to  these  men,  and  what  came  of 
it?  The  doctrines  which  had  seemed  to  prom- 
ise me  the  union  of  all  men  in  faith  and  love, 
in   the   persons   of   their  best   representatives, 


128  MY  CONFESSION. 

showed  themselves  but  capable  of  educating  men 
in  a  lie ;  resulted  but  in  this,  that  what  gives 
them  strength  to  live  is  a  temptation  of  the 
devil,  the  belief  that  they  alone  possess  the  pos- 
sibility of  knowing  truth. 

And  I  saw  that  the  members  of  the  Orthodox 
Church  consider  all  those  who  do  not  profess 
the  same  faith  as  themselves  to  be  heretics, 
exactly  as  Catholics  and  others  account  our 
Orthodoxy  to  be  heresy;  I  saw  that  all  con- 
sider others  who  did  not  adopt  the  same  out- 
ward symbols  and  the  same  formulas  of  faith  as 
themselves  as  their  enemies.  The  Orthodox 
Church  does  this,  though  she  tries  to  conceal 
it ;  and  it  must  be  so,  in  the  first  place,  because 
the  assertion  that  you  live  a  lie  and  I  am  in  the 
truth  is  the  hardest  thing  that  one  man  can  say 
to  another ;  in  the  second  place,  because  a  man 
who  loves  his  children  and  his  relations  cannot 
but  feel  at  enmity  with  those  who  desire  to  con- 
vert them  to  another  faith.  Moreover,  this 
enmity  increases  as  men  learn  more  of  the  par- 
ticular doctrines  which  they  adopt.  Thus  I, 
who  had  believed  faith  was  to  be  found  in  the 
union  of  love,  was  unwillingly  forced  to  see 


MY  CONFESSION.  129 

that  the  doctrines  of  faith  destroy  the  very 
thing  which  they  should  produce. 

This  snare  is  so  evident,  to  men  living  like 
ourselves  in  countries  where  differing  faiths  are 
professed,  and  witnessing  the  contempt  and  self- 
confidence  with  which  the  Catholic  absolutely 
rejects  Protestantism  and  Orthodoxy,  repaid  by 
the  scorn  of  the  Orthodox  for  the  Catholic  and 
the  Protestant,  and  that  of  the  latter  for  both 
the  others,  while  the  same  relation  of  enmity 
includes  the  Old  Believers,  the  Revivalists,  the 
Shakers,  and  all  other  creeds,  that  at  first  it 
perplexes  us. 

We  say  to  ourselves,  "  No,  it  cannot  be  so 
simple  as  that,  and  yet  these  men  have  not 
seen  that  when  two  propositions  flatly  con- 
tradict each  other,  the  truth  on  which  faith 
should  rest  is  in  neither.  There  must  be  some 
cause  for  this,  there  must  be  some  explana- 
tion." I  myself  thought  there  was,  and  sought 
for  it.  I  read  everything  I  could  get  on  the 
subject,  and  consulted  with  as  many  as  I  could, 
but  the  only  explanation  I  obtained  was  that 
of  the  hussar,  who  accounts  his  regiment  the 
first  in  the  world,  while  his  friend  the  lancer 


130  MY  CONFESSION. 

says  the  same  of  his  own.  The  clergy  of  all 
religions,  the  best  among  them,  all  told  me  of 
their  belief  that  they  alone  were  right  and  all 
others  wrong,  and  that  all  they  could  do  for 
those  who  were  in  error  was  to  pray  for  them. 
I  went  to  the  Archimandrites,  the  Archpre- 
lates,  the  Priors,  and  the  Monks,  and  asked 
them,  but  no  one  made  the  slightest  attempt  to 
explain  this  snare  to  me  but  one,  and  his  ex- 
planation was  such  that  I  put  no  more  ques- 
tions to  any  one. 

I  said  that,  for  every  unbeliever  who  returns 
to  belief  (in  which  category  I  place  the  whole 
of  the  present  young  generation)  the  principal 
question  is,  Why  is  truth  to  be  found  in  the 
Orthodox  Church  and  not  in  the  Lutheran  nor 
the  Catholic  one  ?  He  is  taught  in  his  gym- 
nasium, and  he  cannot  but  know  what  the 
peasant  is  ignorant  of,  that  Protestants  and 
Catholics  equally  affirm  their  own  faith  to  be 
the  only  true  one.  Historical  proofs,  twisted 
by  each  party  to  serve  their  own  purpose,  are 
insufficient. 

Is  it  not  possible,  as  I  have  already  said, 
for   a   higher   knowledge   to    issue    from    the 


MY  CONFESSION.  131 

disappearance  of  these  differences,  as  they 
do  already  disappear  for  those  who  sincerely 
believe  ?  Can  we  not  go  farther  on  our  way 
to  meet  the  Old  Believers  ?  They  affirm  that 
our  way  of  signing  the  cross,  of  singing  halle- 
lujah, and  of  moving  round  the  altar,  is  not 
the  same  as  theirs.  We  say,  u  You  believe 
in  the  Nicene  Creed,  in  all  the  sacraments,  and 
we  also  believe."  Let  us  add,  "  Keep  to  that, 
and  for  the  rest  do  as  you  will."  We  shall 
then  be  united  to  them  by  this,  that  we  both 
place  the  essential  points  of  faith  above  the 
unessential.  Again,  can  we  not  say  to  Catho- 
lics, "  You  believe  in  certain  things  which  are 
essential,  and  for  what  concerns  the  dispute 
about  the  procession  of  the  Trinity  and  the 
Pope,  do  as  you  please "  ?  Can  we  not  say 
the  same  to  the  Protestant,  and  unite  with 
him  in  what  is  really  important?  My  fellow- 
disputant  agreed  with  me,  but  added  that 
such  concessions  draw  down  the  reproach 
that  the  clergy  have  receded  from  the  faith 
of  their  forefathers  and  favor  dissent,  while 
the  office  of  those  in  authority  in  the  Church 
is  to  preserve  the  purity  of  the  Kussian  Greek 


132  MY  CONFESSION. 

Orthodox    faith    as    handed    down    from    our 
ancestors. 

Then  I  understood  it  all.  I  am  in  search 
of  faith,  the  staff  and  strength  of  life,  while 
these  men  seek  the  best  means  of  fulfilling 
in  the  sight  of  men  certain  human  obligations, 
and  having  to  deal  with  earthly  affairs  they 
fulfil  them  as  ordinary  men  ever  do.  However 
much  they  may  talk  of  their  pity  for  the  errors 
of  their  brethren,  of  praying  for  them  at  the 
throne  of  the  Most  High,  for  earthly  affairs 
force  is  needed,  and  force  always  has  been,  is, 
and  will  be,  applied.  If  two  religious  sects 
each  believe  that  truth  resides  in  themselves, 
and  that  the  faith  of  the  other  is  a  lie,  they 
will  preach  their  doctrines  in  the  hope  of 
converting  their  brethren  to  the  truth,  and,  if 
false  doctrines  are  taught  to  the  inexperienced 
sons  of  the  Church  who  still  tread  in  the  ways 
of  truth,  she  cannot  but  burn  the  books  and 
banish  the  men  who  seduce  her  sons.  What 
can  be  done  with  the  Sectaries  who,  in  their 
enthusiasm  for  a  faith  which  the  Church 
pronounces  false,  seduce  her  sons  ?  What 
can  be  done  with  them,  but  to  cut  off  their 


MY  CONFESSION.  133 

heads  or  imprison  them  ?  In  the  time  of  Alexis 
Michaelovitch  men  were  burnt  at  the  stake  ;  in 
other  words,  the  severest  punishment  of  the 
time  was  applied,  and  in  our  days  also  the 
severest  punishment  is  applied;  men  are  con- 
demned to  solitary  confinement.  When  I 
looked  around  me  at  all  that  was  done  in 
the  name  of  religion,  I  was  horrified,  and 
almost  entirely  withdrew  from  the  Orthodox 
/Church. 

The  second  point  which  concerned  the 
relations  of  the  Church  to  the  problems  of 
life  was  her  connection  with  war  and  execu- 
tions. It  was  the  time  of  the  war  in  Russia. 
Russians  slew  their  brethren  in  the  name  of 
Christian  love.  Not  to  think  of  this  was 
impossible.  Not  to  see  that  murder  is  an 
evil,  contrary  to  the  very  first  principles 
of  every  faith,  was  impossible.  In  the 
churches,  however,  men  prayed  for  the  suc- 
cess of  our  arms,  and  the  teachers  of  religion 
accepted  these  murders  as  acts  which  were 
the  consequence  of  faith.  Not  only  murder 
in  actual  warfare  was  approved,  but,  during 
the   troubles    which    ensued,    the    authorities 


134  MY  CONFESSION. 

of  the  Church,  her  teachers,  monks,  and 
ascetics,  approved  the  murder  of  erring  and 
helpless  youths.  I  looked  round  on  all  that 
was  done  by  men  who  professed  to  be  Chris- 
tians, and  I  was  horrified. 


XVI. 

I  ceased  from  this  time  to  doubt,  and 
became  firmly  convinced  that  all  was  not 
truth  in  the  faith  which  I  had  joined.  For- 
merly I  should  have  said  that  all  in  this 
faith  was  false,  but  now  it  was  impossible 
to   say  so. 

That  the  men  of  the  people  had  a  knowledge 
of  truth  was  incontestable,  for  otherwise  they 
could  not  live.  Moreover,  this  knowledge  of 
truth  was  open  to  me ;  I  already  lived  by 
it,  and  felt  all  its  force,  but  in  that  same 
knowledge  there  was  also  error.  Of  that 
again  I  could  not  doubt.  All,  however,  that 
had  formerly  repelled  me  now  presented  itself 
in  a  vivid  light.  Although  I  saw  that  there 
was  less  of  what  had  repelled  me  as  false 
among  the  people  than  among  the  represent- 
atives of  the  Church,  I  also  saw  that  in 
the  belief  of  the  people  what  was  false  was 
mingled  with  what  was  true. 
135 


136  MY  CONFESSION. 

Whence,  then,  came  this  truth  and  this 
falsehood?  Both  the  falsehood  and  the  truth 
came  to  them  from  what  is  called  the  Church ; 
both  are  included  in  the  so-called  sacred  tradi- 
tions and  writings.  I  was  thus,  whether  I 
would  or  not,  brought  to  the  study  and  analysis 
of  these  writings  and  traditions,  a  study  which 
up  to  that  time  I  had  feared,  and  I  turned  to 
the  study  of  theology,  which  I  had  once 
thrown  aside  with  contempt  as  useless.  Then 
theology  had  seemed  to  me  but  profitless 
trifling  with  nonsense,  for  I  was  surrounded 
by  the  phenomena  of  life,  and  I  thought  them 
clear  and  full  of  meaning ;  now  I  should  have 
been  glad  to  throw  off  ideas  unsuited  to  a 
healthy  state  of  mind,  but  I  could  not. 

On  this  doctrinal  basis  was  founded,  or 
at  least  with  it  was  very  intimately  bound 
up,  the  only  explanation  of  the  meaning  of 
the  life  I  had  so  lately  discovered.  However 
strange  it  might  seem  to  my  worn  but  prac- 
tised intellect,  it  was  the  only  hope  of  salva- 
tion. To  be  understood,  it  must  be  cautiously 
and  carefully  examined,  even  though  the 
result  might  not  be   the   certain    knowledge 


MY  C0WFESSI02T.  137 

of  science,  which,  aware  as  I  was  of  the 
special  character  of  religious  inquiry,  I  did 
not  and  could  not  seek  to  obtain. 

I  would  not  attempt  to  explain  everything. 
I  knew  that  the  explanation  of  the  whole,  like 
the  beginning  of  all  things,  was  hidden  in 
infinity.  I  wished  to  be  brought  to  the  in- 
evitable limit  where  the  incomprehensible 
begins;  I  wished  that  what  remained  un- 
comprehended  should  be  so,  not  because  the 
mental  impulse  to  inquiry  was  not  just  and 
natural  (all  such  impulses  are,  and  without 
them  I  could  understand  nothing),  but  because 
I  had  learned  the  limits  of  my  own  mind. 
I  wished  to  understand  so  that  every  unex- 
plained proposition  should  appear  to  my  rea- 
son necessarily  unexplainable,  and  not  an 
obligatory  part  of  belief.  I  never  doubted 
that  the  doctrines  contained  both  truth  and 
falsehood,  and  I  was  bound  to  separate  the 
one  from  the  other.  I  began  to  do  this. 
What  I  found  of  false  and  of  true,  and  to 
what  results  I  came,  forms  the  second  part 
of  this  work,*  which,  if  it  be  thought  worth 

*  My  Religion. 


138  MY  CONFESSION. 

while,  and  if  it  can  be  useful  to  any  one,  will 
probably  be  some  day  published. 

1879. 

The  above  was  written  by  me  three  years 
ago. 

The  other  day,  on  looking  over  this  part 
again,  on  returning  to  the  succession  of  ideas 
and  feelings  through  which  I  had  passed  while 
writing  it,  I  saw  a  dream. 

This  dream  repeated  for  me  in  a  condensed 
form  all  that  I  had  lived  through  and  described, 
and  I  therefore  think  that  a  description  of  it 
may,  for  those  who  have  understood  me,  serve 
to  render  clearer,  to  refresh  the  remembrance 
of,  and  to  collect  into  one  whole,  all  that  has 
been  described  at  so  much  length  in  these 
pages.     The  dream  was  as  follows. 

I  am  lying  on  my  back  in  bed,  and  I  feel 
neither  particularly  well  and  comfortable,  nor 
the  contrary.  I  begin  to  think  whether  it  is 
well  for  me  to  lie,  and  something  makes  me 
feel  uncomfortable  in  the  legs ;  if  the  bed  be 
too  short  or  ill-made,  I  know  not,  but  something 
is  not  right.     I  move  my  legs  about,  and  at  the 


MY  CONFESSION'.  139 

same  time  begin  to  think  how  and  on  what  I 
am  lying,  a  thing  which  previously  had  never 
troubled  me.  I  examine  the  bed,  and  see  that 
I  am  lying  on  a  network  of  cords  fastened  to 
ths  sides  of  the  bedstead.  My  heels  lie  on  one 
of  these  cords,  my  legs  on  another,  and  this  is 
uncomfortable.  I  am  somehow  aware  that  the 
cords  can  be  moved,  and  with  my  legs  I  push 
the  cord  away,  and  it  seems  to  me  that  thus  it 
will  be  easier.  But  I  had  pushed  the  cord  too 
far ;  I  try  to  catch  it  with  my  legs,  but  this 
movement  causes  another  cord  to  slip  from 
under  me,  and  my  legs  hang  down.  I  move  my 
body  to  get  right  again,  convinced  that  it  will 
be  easy,  but  this  movement  causes  other  cords 
to  slip  and  change  their  places  beneath  me,  and 
I  perceive  that  my  position  is  altogether  worse ; 
my  whole  body  sinks  and  hangs  without  my 
legs  touching  the  ground.  I  hold  myself  up 
only  by  the  upper  part  of  the  back,  and  I  feel 
now  not  only  discomfort,  but  horror.  I  now 
begin  to  ask  myself  what  I  had  not  thought  of 
before.  I  ask  myself  where  I  am,  and  on  what 
I  am  lying.  I  begin  to  look  round,  and  first  I 
look   below,  to  the   place  towards  which  my 


140  MY  CONFESSION. 

body  sank,  and  where  I  feel  it  must  soon  fall. 
I  look  below,  and  I  cannot  believe  my  eyes. 

I  am  on  a  height  far  above  that  of  the  high- 
est tower  or  mountain,  a  height  beyond  all  my 
previous  powers  of  conception.  I  cannot  even 
make  out  whether  I  see  anything  or  not  below 
me,  in  the  depths  of  that  bottomless  abyss  over 
which  I  am  hanging  and  into  which  I  feel 
drawn.  My  heart  ceases  to  beat,  and  horror 
fills  my  mind.  To  look  down  is  too  terrible.  I 
feel  that  if  I  look  down  I  shall  slip  from  the 
last  cord  and  perish.  I  stop  looking,  but  not 
to  look  is  still  worse,  for  then  I  think  of  what 
will  at  once  happen  to  me  when  the  last  cord 
breaks.  I  feel  that  I  am  losing  in  my  terror 
the  last  remnant  of  my  strength,  and  that  my 
back  is  gradually  sinking  lower  and  lower. 
Another  instant,  and  I  shall  fall. 

Then  all  at  once  came  into  my  mind  the 
thought  that  it  could  not  be  true,  that  it  was  a 
dream  ;  I  will  awake.  I  strive  to  wake  myself 
and  cannot.  "What  can  I  do?"  I  ask  my- 
self, and  as  I  put  the  question  I  look  above. 

Above  stretches  another  gulf.  I  look  into 
this,  and  try  to  forget  the  abyss  below,  and  I 


MY  CONFESSION.  141 

do  forget.  The  infinite  depth  repels  and  horri- 
fies me ;  the  infinite  height  attracts  and  sat- 
isfies me.  I  still  hang  on  the  last  cords 
which  have  not  yet  slipped  from  under  me  over 
the  precipice  ;  I  know  that  I  am  hanging  thus, 
but  I  look  only  upwards,  and  my  fear  leaves 
me.  As  happens  in  dreams,  I  hear  a  voice  say- 
ing, "  Look  well ;  it  is  there  !  "  I  pierce  farther 
and  farther  into  the  infinity  above,  and  I  feel 
that  it  calms  me.  I  remember  all  that  has  hap- 
pened —  how  I  moved  my  legs,  how  I  was  left 
hanging  in  air,  how  I  was  terrified,  and  how  I 
was  saved  from  my  fears  by  looking  above.  I 
ask  myself,  "And  now,  am  I  not  hanging 
still  ?  "  and  I  feel  in  all  my  limbs,  without  look- 
ing, the  support  by  which  I  am  held.  I  per- 
ceive that  I  no  longer  hang  nor  fall,  but  have  a 
fast  hold.  I  question  myself  how  it  is  that  I 
hold  on.  I  touch  myself,  I  look  around,  and  I 
see  that  under  the  middle  of  my  body  there 
passes  a  stay,  and  on  looking  up  I  find  that  I 
am  lying  perfectly  balanced,  and  that  it  was 
this  stay  alone  that  held  me  up  before.  As  it 
happens  in  dreams,  the  mechanis-n  by  which  I 
am  supported  appears  perfectly  natural  to  me, 


142  MY  CONFESSION. 

a  thing  to  be  easily  understood,  and  not  to 
be  doubted,  although  this  mechanism  has  no  ap- 
parent sense  when  I  am  awake.  In  my  sleep  I 
was  even  astonished  that  I  had  not  understood 
this  before.  At  my  bedside  stands  a  pillar,  the 
"Solidity  of  which  is  beyond  doubt,  though  there 
is  nothing  for  it  to  stand  upon.  From  this 
pillar  runs  a  cord,  somehow  cunningly  and  sim- 
ply fixed,  and  if  I  lie  across  this  cord  and  look 
upwards,  there  cannot  be  even  a  question  of 
my  falling.  All  this  was  clear  to  me,  and  I 
was  glad  and  easy  in  my  mind.  It  seemed  as 
if  some  one  said  to  me,  "See  that  you  remem- 
ber !  "     And  I  awoke. 

Lyof  N.  Tolstoi. 

1882. 


THE 

SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

(A  COMMENTARY  ON  THE  ESSENCE  OF 
THE  GOSPEL.) 


143 


PREFACE. 


This  short  exposition  of  the  Gospel  is  ex- 
tracted from  a  larger  manuscript  work,  which 
c.annot  be  published  in  Russia.  The  work 
consists  of  four  parts. 

The  contents  of  the  present  book  have  been 
extracted  from  the  third  part,  which  is  an  in- 
vestigation independent  of  previous  interpreta- 
tions, and  solely  according  to  what  has  reached 
us  of  the  teaching  of  Christ,  as  attributed  to 
him,  and  related  in  the  Gospels. 

The  Gospels  have  been  harmonized  by  me 
according  to  the  sense  of  their  teaching,  and 
in  so  doing  I  have  had  to  deviate  but  little 
from  the  order  in  which  they  stand ;  so  that 
there  are  rather  fewer  transpositions  of  the 
text  in  my  rendering  than  in  most  other  har- 
monies with  which  I  am  acquainted.  The 
Gospel  of  John  is  taken  in  the  same  order  as 
the  original. 

145 


146       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING. 

The  division  of  the  Gospel  into  twelve 
sections  is  the  natural  outcome  of  the  bearing 
of  its  teaching,  every  two  sections  being  united 
by  a  link  of  cause  and  consequence. 

I  have  also  added  the  introduction  from  the 
first  chapter  of  John's  Gospel,  in  which  he 
gives  his  view  of  the  meaning  of  the  whole 
teaching,  and  the  conclusion  from  his  Epistle 
(probably  written  before  the  Gospel),  which 
represents  a  general  deduction  from  all  that 
precedes.  The  introduction  and  conclusion  do 
not  form  an  essential  part,  but  only  give  a 
general  view  of  the  whole  teaching ;  and  though 
both  might  be  omitted  without  detriment  (the 
more  so  that  they  are  the  words  of  John  and 
not  of  Jesus),  I  have  preserved  them,  because, 
when  the  teaching  of  Christ  is  taken  in  its 
plain  meaning,  these  parts,  in  their  connection 
with  the  whole  and  with  each  other,  represent, 
in  opposition  to  the  strange  interpretation  of 
the  Church,  the  simplest  indication  of  the  spirit 
in  which  Christ's  meaning  must  be  understood. 

At  the  head  of  each  section,  in  addition  to  a 
short  definition  of  the  contents,  I  have  inserted 
words  corresponding  to  each  from  the  prayer 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.      147 

which  Jesus  gave  to  his  disciples.  When  my 
work  was  ended,  I  was  surprised  to  find  that 
the  Lord's  prayer  is  indeed  nothing  less  than 
the  whole  teaching  of  Christ,  expressed  in  the 
most  condensed  form,  and  in  the  identical 
system  by  which  I  had  distributed  the  sections, 
every  expression  of  it  corresponding  with  them, 
in  idea  and  order.  In  the  manuscript  of  the 
third  part,  the  Gospel,  according  to  the  four 
Evangelists,  is  related  without  the  least  omis- 
sion ;  but  in  the  present  work  the  following 
passages  have  been  left  out :  the  conception, 
the  birth  of  John  Baptist,  his  imprisonment 
and  death,  the  birth  of  Christ,  his  flight  with 
Mary  into  Egypt,  his  miracles  in  Can  a  and 
Capernaum,  the  expulsion  of  demons,  the  walk- 
ing on  the  sea,  the  withering  of  the  fig-tree, 
the  raising  of  the  dead,  the  resurrection  of 
Christ,  and  the  references  to  the  prophecies 
fulfilled  during  his  life.  All  this  has  been 
omitted  in  the  present  work,  because,  not  con- 
taining any  part  of  the  teaching,  but  only 
describing  events  which  took  place  before, 
during,  and  after  the  public  life  of  Christ, 
these   passages   would   render   the    exposition 


148       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING. 

needlessly  intricate ;  nor  do  they  contain 
in  themselves  either  contradiction  or  proof, 
though  their  significance  for  Christianity  has 
been  that,  to  the  eyes  of  unbelievers,  they  cor- 
roborate the  divinity  of  Jesus ;  but  by  those 
who,  uninfluenced  by  the  account  of  miracle, 
are  unable,  from  the  nature  of  the  teaching 
itself,  to  doubt  that  divinity,  they  are  naturally 
set  aside,  because  felt  to  be  needless. 

In  the  original  full  exposition,  every  digres- 
sion from  the  accepted  translation,  all  inserted 
explanations  and  omissions  are  justified  and, 
proved  by  a  comparison  with  different  versions 
of  the  Gospel,  by  context,  and  by  philological 
and  other  considerations.  In  the  present  work 
all  these  are  omitted,  because,  however  precise 
and  correct  may  be  the  analvsis  of  separate 
passages,  argument  alone  will  convince  no  one 
as  to  a  right  understanding  of  the  teaching 
itself.  Such  evidence  must  always  lie  in  its 
own  unity,  clearness,  simplicity,  and  complete- 
ness, and  its  force  will  arise  from  the  sympathy 
with  which  it  meets  the  consciousness  of  every 
man  who  is  seeking  for  truth. 

Concerning  all  deviations  from  the   version 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.     149 

accepted  by  the  churches,  the  reader  must 
understand  that  the  generally  accepted  notion 
as  to  the  Gospels  being,  to  the  veriest  letter, 
sacred,  is  not  only  a  most  profound  error,  but 
also  a  most  gross  and  harmful  deception.  He 
must  remember  also  that  Christ  himself  wrote 
no  book,  as  did  philosophers  like  Plato  or  Mar- 
cus Aurelius  ;  never  did  he,  like  Socrates,  trans- 
mit his  teaching  to  learned  or  even  to  educated 
men,  but  spoke  for  the  most  part  to  an  unlet- 
tered crowd,  and  that  only  long  after  his  death 
was  his  teaching  and  life  described. 

It  must  also  not  be  forgotten  that,  out  of  a 
large  number  of  such  descriptive  manuscripts, 
the  Church  selected  at  first  three,  adding  later 
a  fourth  Gospel  (that  according  to  John),  that 
out  of  the  great  mass  of  literature  about  Christ 
they  could  not  but  have  accepted  much  that 
was  not  strictly  accurate,  and  that  there  are  as 
many  doubtful  passages  in  the  Canonical  Gos- 
pels as  in  the  rejected  Apocryphal  writings. 
Nor  does  it  follow,  if  the  teaching  of  Christ 
were  inspired,  that  a  certain  number  of  verses 
and  letters  in  recording  it  should  become  so,  or 
that  certain   selections  should  be   considered 


150       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

sacred  by  the  edict  of  a  man.  Let  it  be  con- 
sidered that  these  selected  Gospels  are  the 
work  of  many  human  minds,  that  during  cen- 
turies they  underwent  endless  revisions,  that 
all  the  Gospels  of  the  fourth  century  which 
have  reached  us  are  written  without  punctua- 
tion or  division  into  verse  and  chapter,  and 
that  the  actual  number  of  different  renderings 
for  Gospel  passages  is  estimated  at  fifty  thou- 
sand. 

All  this  must  be  kept  in  view  by  the  reader, 
lest  he  should  be  carried  away  by  the  idea  that 
the  Gospels  have  been  transmitted  to  us  direct 
from  heaven  in  the  identical  form  in  which  we 
at  present  accept  them,  and  he  must  admit  that 
it  is  not  only  unblamable  to  omit  from  them 
unnecessary  passages,  but  that  it  is  most  un- 
reasonable to  be  withheld  from  doing  so  by  the 
sentiment  that  considers  sacred  an  appointed 
number  of  verses  and  syllables. 

On  the  other  hand,  I  would  not  have  it 
understood  that  because  I  do  not  consider  the 
Gospels  to  be  sacred  books,  directly  descended 
from  heaven,  that  therefore  I  regard  them  as 
mere   monuments   in  the   history  of  religious 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.     151 

literature.  I  am  conscious  of  both  their  theo- 
logical and  historical  bearing,  but  I  desire  to 
contemplate  neither;  what  I  see  in  Chris- 
tianity is  not  an  exclusively  divine  revelation, 
nor  a  mere  historical  phenomenon,  but  a  teach- 
ing which  gives  the  meaning  of  life. 

When  at  the  age  of  fifty,  having  asked  all 
the  reputed  philosophers  about  me  as  to  the 
meaning  of  life,  and  of  myself,  and  having 
been  told  by  them  that  life  was  an  evil,  and 
without  meaning,  and  I  myself  an  accidental 
concatenation  of  particles,  I  fell  into  despair, 
and  thought  to  kill  myself,  I  was  brought  to 
Christianity  by  the  remembrance  of  a  past 
time;  how  in  my  childhood  I  and  those  about 
me,  chiefly  men  un corrupted  by  wealth,  had  a 
faith  and  saw  a  purpose,  and  with  the  light  of 
this  reality  I  called  to  question  the  wisdom  of 
those  of  my  own  class,  and  tried  to  understand 
the  answer  of  Christianity  to  believers. 

On  studying  the  various  forms  of  Christian 
religions,  I  found  them  to  consist  in  large 
measure  of  the  strangest  superstitions,  which, 
however,  did  not  prevent  many  from  finding 
life  in  their  teaching.      I  then  began  to  con- 


152       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

sider  the  source  from  which  they  were  derived, 
and  found  in  the  Gospels  an  explanation  of  the 
meaning  of  life  that  perfectly  satisfied  me,  one 
higher  than  anything  I  had  known,  or  could 
imagine.  And  here,  dazzled  in  new-found 
light,  I  found  full  answer  for  all  questioning  as 
to  the  meaning  and  purpose  of  my  life  and 
that  of  others,  that  explained  the  solutions  of 
every  other  nation,  and  to  my  mind  excelled 
them.  I  had  sought  a  reply,  not  to  some  his- 
toric or  theologic  difficulty,  but  to  the  question 
of  life ;  and  therefore  to  me  now  the  chief 
matter  is,  not  whether  Jesus  Christ  was  God, 
or  from  whom  descended  the  Holy  Ghost,  or 
when  and  by  whom  was  a  certain  Gospel 
written,  or  if  it  may  not  even  be  attributed 
to  Christ ;  but  the  light  itself  is  of  importance 
to  me,  that  it  still  shines  upon  me  after  eigh- 
teen hundred  years  with  un dimmed  brightness; 
but  how  to  call  it,  or  of  what  it  consist,  or  who 
gave  it  existence,  is  immaterial  to  me. 

This  introduction  might  here  conclude  if  the 
Gospels  were  books  but  lately  discovered,  or  if 
the  teaching  of  Christ  had  not  undergone  eigh- 
teen centuries  of  misinterpretation.     In  order 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CIIRISTS   TEACHING.      153 

to  understand  it,  it  is  well  to  acquire  a  clear 
apprehension  of  the  various  systems  with  which 
it  has  been  overlaid. 

The  commonest  and  most  subtle  of  these  is 
the  substitution,  under  the  name  of  Christian 
doctrine,  of  the  teaching  of  the  Church  for  that 
of  Christ  which  it  professes  to  be,  though  com- 
posed from  the  explanations  of  most  contradic- 
tory writings,  in  which  the  teaching  of  Christ 
forms  but  a  small  part,  and  that  contorted  and 
strained  to  accord  with  the  explanation  of  the 
rest  of  the  document. 

According  to  this  misinterpretation,  the 
teaching  of  Jesus  is  only  one  link  in  the  chain 
of  revelation  that  commenced  with  the  creation 
of  man,  and  continues  in  the  Church  to  the 
present  day.  By  it  Jesus  is  called  God,  but 
such  acceptance  does  not  place  in  His  teaching 
a  deeper  import  than  that  contained  in  the 
words  of  Moses,  in  the  Psalms,  the  Acts  of 
the  Apostles,  the  Epistles,  the  Apocalypse, 
the  Decrees  of  the  Councils,  and  the  writings 
of  the  Fathers ;  no  understanding  of  the  teach- 
ing of  Christ  is  admitted  which  does  not 
accord  with  that  of  the  preceding  and  follow- 


154       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

ing  revelation,  and  in  furtherance  of  this  object 
the  least  contradictory  meaning  for  passages 
most  hopelessly  at  variance  in  the  Pentateuch, 
Psalms,  Gospels,  etc.,  is  eagerly  sought  for. 

There  naturally  may  be  an  innumerable  num- 
ber of  such  interpretations  having  for  their 
object,  not  the  truth,  but  the  reconciliation 
of  contradictions  in  the  Old  and  New  Testa- 
ments, every  man  having  a  solution  of  his  own, 
and  an  assertion  that  such  is  a  continued  reve- 
lation of  the  Holy  Ghost,  as  the  Epistles  of 
Paul,  the  Decrees  of  the  Councils,  commenc- 
ing, "  We  and  the  Holy  Ghost,"  the  Edicts  of 
the  Popes,  Synods,  and  of  all  sects  and  persons 
who  claim  and  proclain  that  they  are  the 
mouthpiece  of  the  Holy  Spirit.  All  adopt 
the  same  groundless  subterfuge  for  sanction 
as  to  the  truth  of  their  own  interpretation, 
and  they  forget  that  a  like  method  may  be, 
and  has  been,  employed  by  others  who  contra- 
dict them. 

Without  entering  into  an  analysis  of  the 
faiths  so  formed,  each  with  its  own  declara- 
tion of  truth,  it  is  easy  to  see  that  the  common 
ground  of  all,  the  equal  inspiration   of   both 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.      155 

Old  and  New  Testament,  forms  an  insurmount- 
able, self-erected  obstacle  to  understanding  the 
teaching  of  Christ,  and  that  hence  emanates 
the  possibility  —  nay,  even  the  necessity  —  of  a 
large  number  of  hostile  sects,  whose  formation 
can  only  be  prevented  by  a  reconciliation  of  all 
the  varied  revelations,  or  by  a  right  conception 
of  the  teaching  of  one  man,  believed  to  be 
God.  The  teaching  of  Him  who  has  descended 
to-  earth  for  the  very  sake  of  our  instruction 
cannot  be  variously  understood.  If  it  was 
indeed  God,  He  at  least  would  have  so  dis- 
closed the  truth  that  all  might  understand ; 
if  He  failed  to  do  so,  how  then  is  He  God? 
or,  if,  indeed,  the  truths  of  God  are  such  that 
even  He  cannot  make  them  intelligible,  how 
can  men  do  so  ? 

If  Christ  were  not  God,  a  great  man  only, 
then  still  less  can  his  teaching  engender  sects  ; 
for  a  great  man  is  only  great  so  far  as  he  ex- 
presses clearly  what  others  have  rendered  in- 
comprehensible. His  words  may  be  dark,  but 
never  misty,  and  there  will,  and  must  be,  many 
ways  into  the  darkness,  but  all  will  tend  to- 
wards elucidation.     All  clear,  deep  insight  into 


156       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

his  obscurity,  at  one  with  the  spirit  of  his 
teaching,  uncontradicted  by  the  plainer  facts  of 
it,  and  bringing  the  whole  into  conformity, 
will  be  accepted  eagerly  by  all,  and  cannot  of 
itself  form  sects,  or  rouse  animosity.  False 
interpretation  will  shed  itself  in  time ;  and  that 
alone  which  claims  a  source  in  the  super- 
natural, which  asserts  itself  as  a  revelation  of 
the  Holy  Ghost,  demanding  recognition  as  the 
sole  truth,  and  condemnation  for  every  other, 
can  become  sectarian  ;  for  the  sectarianism  of 
Christianity  has  its  root  in  the  idea  that  the 
Gospels  are  to  be  understood,  not  by  them- 
selves, but  in  accordance  with  all  so-called 
Holy  Writings,  and  in  the  fact  that  the 
Church,  professing  a  revelation  of  the  Holy 
Ghost,  which  from  its  first  descent  upon  the 
Apostles  has  been  constantly  transmitted  by 
its  own  elected  representatives,  nowhere  ex- 
presses clearly  and  finally  what  this  revelation 
may  be,#  and  yet  upon  its  supposed  continuity 
builds  a  faith  — and  calls  it  Christ's. 

Like  the  Mahometans,  who  hold  to  the  reve- 
lations of  Moses,  Christ,  and  Mahomet,  these 
churchmen   admit   three   also  —  of    Moses,   of 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       157 

Christ,  and  of  the  Holy  Ghost;  but  unlike  the 
former,  who  subordinate  those  of  Moses  and 
of  Christ  to  that  of  Mahomet,  who,  as  the 
last  revelation,  explained  all  that  preceded 
him,  and  claimed  from  faithful  believers  ab- 
solute credence ;  they  would  accept  all  three, 
and  call  themselves  after  the  name  of  the 
second,  in  order  to  combine  the  license  of 
their  own  teaching  with  the  authority  of 
Christ's. 

Those  who  accept  the  revelation  of  Paul,  of 
the  Councils,  of  the  Fathers,  of  the  Pope,  or  of 
the  Patriarchs,  should  state  unmistakably  that 
they  do  so,  and  should  call  their  creed  by  the 
name  of  the  last  revealer.  Far  from  doing  so, 
they  preach  doctrines  most  alien  to  Christ,  and 
yet  so  claim  his  countenance  that  one  might 
gather  from  them  that  it  was  Christ  who  de- 
clared that  it  was  by  his  blood  he  had  re- 
deemed the  world,  that  God  was  a  Trinity, 
that  the  Holy  Ghost  descended  upon  the  Apos- 
tles and  was  transmitted  to  the  priesthood  by 
the  laying  on  of  hands,  that  for  salvation 
seven  sacraments  are  needed,  that  the  com- 
munion must  be  celebrated  in  two  aspacts,  and 


158       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

so  forth ;  whereas  in  all  Christ's  teaching  there 
is  no  hint  even  at  all  this. 

Such  a  faith  might  be  called  that  of  the 
Holy  Ghost,  for  only  one  that  acknowledges 
the  revelation  of  Jesus  Christ  as  final  and 
in  itself  complete  should  be  called  by  his 
name. 

Argument  on  such  a  point  may  appear  need- 
less, yet  up  to  the  present  the  teaching  of 
Christ  has  never  been  separated  from  an 
artificial  and  altogether  unwarrantable  con- 
nection with  the  Old  Testament,  on  the  one 
hand,  and  on  the  other  from  such  arbitrary 
additions  to,  and  perversions  of,  its  reality 
as  are  continually  made  in  the  name  of  the 
Holy  Ghost. 

Up  to  the  present  time,  some,  conceiving 
Christ  to  be  the  second  person  of  the  Trinity, 
accept  his  teaching  only  as  it  accords  with  that 
pseudo-revelation  of  the  Holy  Ghost  which 
they  find  in  the  Old  Testament,  the  Epistles, 
the  Edicts  of  the  Councils,  and  the  Patristic 
writings,  and  preach  a  strange  creed  founded 
thereon  which  they  assert  to  be  the  faith  of 
Christ.     Others,  who  do  not  believe  Christ  to 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       159 

be  God,  understand  liis  teaching  by  the  inter- 
pretation of  Paul  and  others  ;  believing  him  to 
have  been  a  man,  they  would,  however,  deprive 
him  of  the  right  every  man  may  claim,  of  being 
only  answerable  for  his  own  words,  and  in  try- 
ing to  explain  his  teaching  credit  him  with  what 
he  would  never  have  dreamed  of  saying.  This 
school  of  critics,  well  represented  by  Renan, 
without  giving  themselves  the  trouble  of  ex- 
tricating in  the  teaching  of  Jesus  what  he 
taught  himself  from  what  is  ascribed  to  him, 
without  endeavoring  to  obtain  from  it  any  deep 
meaning,  explain  his  appearance  and  the  prop- 
agation of  his  faith  by  incidents  in  his  life, 
and  from  the  circumstances  of  his  time.  The 
problem,  however,  which  they  have  failed  to 
explain  is,  that  eighteen  hundred  years  ago 
there  appeared  a  poor  man  who  taught,  was 
beaten,  and  executed  ;  and  though  since  his 
time  many  others  have  in  like  manner  perished 
for  their  belief,  this  one  man  is  still  thought 
by  thousands  to  be — God.  Churchmen  tell 
us  that  he  is  so  considered  because  so  he 
is;  but  if  he  be  not,  how  can  the  fact  be 
explained  ? 


160       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

And  it  is  entirely  overlooked  by  the  critics 
of  this  school,  who  diligently  investigate  all  the 
details  of  the  life  of  Christ,  that,  however  much 
they  may  disclose  by  such  a  process,  they  do  in 
reality  discover  nothing ;  could  they  even  es- 
tablish the  minutest  details  of  his  life,  they 
would  be  as  far  as  ever  from  the  secret  of  his 
influence,  which  is  hid,  not  with  the  people 
amongst  whom  he  abode,  nor  by  the  history 
and  superstition  of  the  times,  but  in  the  nature 
of  this  man's  teaching  which  made  humanity 
single  him  out  from  amongst  all  other  preach- 
ers, and  accept  him  as  God. 

Explanation  can  only  come  from  a  special 
study  of  his  teaching.  And  the  solution  is 
simple  ;  but  it  must  be  undertaken  independ- 
ently of  the  many  false  interpretations  volun- 
teered by  men  who  neither  wished  nor  were 
able  to  understand  him. 

The  modern  school  of  criticism  to  which  I 
have  referred  was  so  pleased  with  its  own  as- 
sertion of  the  non-divinity  of  Christ,  that  it  has 
since  directed  all  its  efforts  to  complete  the 
proof  of  his  humanity,  forgetting  that  the  more 
successful  be    the   process,  the   more    difficult 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       161 

will  the  final  solution  be  as  to  the  reason  of  his 
influence.  In  order  clearly  to  understand  this 
singular  error,  it  is  only  necessary  to  read  an 
article  by  Havet,  one  of  the  imitators  of  Renan, 
who  asserts  that  "  Je"sus  n'avait  rien  de  Chre- 
tien," or  to  find  in  Sourris  a  proposition  which 
seems  to  give  him  pleasure  —  that  Jesus  Christ 
was  a  very  rough  and  stupid  man. 

It  is  not  a  contradiction  of  the  divinity  of 
Christ  that  is  required,  but  an  exposition  of 
his  teaching  in  all  its  purity,  so  lofty  and  so 
simple  as  to  obtain  for  its  founder  the  title  of 
God. 

And  therefore,  if  the  reader  belong  to  that 
large  number  of  educated  men,  who,  having 
been  brought  up  in  the  religion  of  the  Church, 
have  recoiled  from  its  contradiction  of  common 
sense  and  the  conscience  ;  and  if  he  have  not 
lost  all  love  and  respect  for  the  spirit  of 
Christ's  teaching,  I  would  ask  him  to  consider 
that  what  has  alienated  him  is  equally  foreign 
to  Christ,  who  has  been  made  responsible  for 
all  the  monstrous  parasitic  tradition  that  has 
fastened  about  his  words,  and  that  to  judge  of 
Christ's  Christianity  he  must  study  its  effect 


162       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING, 

upon  its  Founder  ;  and  if  he  do  so,  he  will 
discover  that  it  has  no  admixture  of  elements, 
no  sympathy  with  superstition,  no  dregs,  no 
darknesses ;  but  that  it  is  the  strictest,  purest, 
and  fullest  system  of  metaphysical  ethics, 
above  the  most  ambitious  ascent  of  human 
reason,  and  in  the  wide  circle  of  which 
moves  to  its  achievement  all  highest  human 
effort. 

If  the  reader  is  one  of  those  who  profess 
the  religion  of  the  Church  not  for  the 
attainment  of  personal  advantage,  but  for 
their  own  inner  welfare,  I  would  ask  him 
to  consider  how  different  a  thing,  despite 
its  similarity  of  name,  is  the  teaching  in  this 
book  from  that  which  he  follows,  and  to 
decide,  not  whether  the  faith  so  offered  him 
coincides  with  his  own  religion,  but  which 
of  the  two  most  agrees  with  his  heart  and 
reason. 

But  if  he  belong  to  those  who,  professing  the 
doctrines  of  the  Church,  hold  to  them,  npt 
from  belief,  but  for  convenience,  then  let  him 
know  that,  however  many  adherents  such  a 
method  may  have,  however  powerful  they  may 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       163 

be,  on  whatever  thrones  they  may  seat  them- 
selves, or  by  whatever  high  names  they  may  be 
called,  they  are  not  the  accusers,  but  the  ac- 
cused. Let  such  remember  that  they  have  long 
ago  said  all  that  for  themselves  can  be  said; 
that,  had  they  succeeded  in  proving  all  they 
desire,  the  same  has  been  done  to  its  own  sat; 
isfaction  by  each  of  the  hundred  creeds  that  on 
a  mutual  basis  mutually  reject  each  other ;  but 
that  now  not  proof  is  demanded  of  them,  but 
that  they  should  justify  themselves  from  the 
charge  of  blasphemy  in  having  held  the  teach- 
ing of  Esdra,  the  Councils,  the  Theophilacts, 
equal  to  that  of  Christ  the  God,  and  from  the 
charge  of  calumny  against  God,  in  having  pro- 
claimed as  His  teaching  the  fanaticism  of 
their  own  hearts,  and  from  the  charge  of  decep- 
tion in  having  hid  the  word  of  God,  and 
set  up  in  its  place  their  own  religion  of 
the  Holy  Ghost;  and  so  depriving  millions 
of  men  of  the  good  Christ  brought  for  them, 
have  given  to  the  world,  for  his  peace  and 
love,  the  froward  countenance  of  malice  and 
murder. 

Such  have  before  them  two  alternatives:  the 


164       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

rejection  of  the  falsehood  or  the  persecution  * 
of  those  who  so  correct  them,  for  which,  while 
ending  my  writings,  I  prepare  myself  with  joy 
and  with  fear  for  my  weakness. 

*  The  English  reader  must  remember  that  the  author  is 
still  living  under  a  system  of  religious  repression.  —  Ed. 


INTRODUCTION. 


THE    GOSPEL.       THE    GOOD    TIDINGS    OP    JESUS 
CHRIST,  THE  SON  OF  GOD. 

The  Understanding  of  Life, 

The  announcement  of  Jesus  Christ  substi- 
tuted a  conception  of  the  meaning  of  life  for 
faith  in  an  external  God. 

The  Gospel  is  the  announcement  that  the 
source  of  all  is  not  an  external  God,  as  men 
think,  but  the  Spirit  of  Life.  And,  therefore, 
in  the  place  of  what  men  call  God,  according 
to  the  Gospel,  stands  this  spirit. 

Without  it  there  is  no  life,  all  men  are  alive 
only  through  it,  and  those  who  do  not  under- 
stand this,  but  suppose  the  flesh  to  be  the  foun- 
dation of  life,  deprive  themselves  of  the  true 
life ;  whereas  those  who  understand  that  they 
are  alive  not  through  the  flesh  but  through  the 
spirit,  have  the  true  life  that  has  been  shown  by 

Jesus  Christ. 

165 


166       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

Having  conceived  that  the  true  life  of  man 
originates  in  the  spirit,  he  gave  men  the  teach- 
ing and  example  of  that  life  in  the  body. 

Previous  religions  represented  a  law,  stating 
what  was,  and  what  was  not  to  be  done  for  the 
worship  of  God.  But  the  teaching  of  Christ 
consists  in  the  understanding  of  life.  No  one 
has  ever  seen  or  can  know  an  external  God, 
and  therefore  the  worship  of  an  external  God 
cannot  direct  life. 

Only  the  acceptance  of  the  source  of  all,  an 
inward  consciousness  of  the  knowledge  which 
flows  from  that  source,  points  out  the  way  to 
life. 


THE 

SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 


CHAPTER  I. 

THE   SON  OF   GOD. 

Man,  the  son  of  God,  powerless  in  the  flesh,  is 
free  in  the  spirit.     (  Our  Father.) 

Christ  in  his  childhood  called  God  his 
Father.  There  was  at  that  time  in  Judea  a 
prophet  called  John,  who  preached  the  coming 
of  God  upon  the  earth,  if  men  would  change 
their  lives,  counting  all  men  as  equal ;  would 
not  offend  but  help  each  other;  that  so  His 
kiugdom  might  be  established.  Having  heard 
this  preaching,  Jesus  retired  from  men  into  the 
wilderness  in  order  to  contemplate  the  life 
of  man,  and  his  relation  to  the  eternal  be- 
ginning of  all,  called  God.  He  accepted  as 
his  Father  the  eternal  source  of  all,  which  John 
had  preached. 

Having  stayed  in  the  wilderness  forty  days 
167 


168       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

without  food,  he  began  to  suffer  from  hunger, 
and  thought  to  himself,  I  am  the  son  of  God 
the  Almighty,  and  therefore  I  must  be  as 
He  is ;  but  lo,  I  want  to  eat,  and  yet  bread 
does  not  appear  at  my  desire,  therefore  I  am 
not  almighty.  Then  he  said  to  himself,  Though 
I  cannot  create  bread  out  of  stone,  yet  I  can 
refrain  from  bread;  and  so,  if  not  almighty 
in  the  flesh,  I  can  become  so  in  the  spirit, 
for  I  can  conquer  the  flesh,  and  not  in  it, 
but  in  the  spirit,  be  the  son  of  God.  But 
he  said  again  to  himself,  If  I  am  the  son 
of  a  spirit,  then  I  can  renounce  the  flesh, 
and  destroy  it.  And  to  this  he  answered,  I 
am  born  through  the  spirit  into  the  flesh ;  such 
was  the  will  of  my  Father,  and  I  "may  not 
oppose  it.  But  if  thou  canst  not  satisfy  the 
desires  of  thy  flesh,  nor  renounce  it,  thou 
shouldest  work  for  it,  and  enjoy  all  the 
pleasures  it  can  afford  thee.  And  to  this  he 
replied,  I  can  neither  satisfy  the  desires  of 
the  flesh  nor  yet  renounce  it,  but  my  life 
is  almighty  in  the  spirit  of  my  Father,  and 
therefore  in  the  flesh  I  must  serve,  and  work 
only  for  the  spirit,  the  Father. 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.      169 

And  having  become  persuaded  that  the  life 
of  man  is  in  the  spirit  of  the  Father,  Jesus 
came  out  of  the  wilderness,  and  began  to 
preach  unto  men.  He  declared  that  this 
spirit  was  in  him,  that  henceforth  the  heavens 
were  opened,  and  the  powers  of  heaven  had 
united  with  man,  for  whom  a  life  of  eternity 
and  freedom  had  commenced,  and  that  all 
men,  however  cursed  by  the  flesh,  might 
attain  it. 


CHAPTER  II. 

And  therefore  man  must  work,  not  for  the  flesh 
but  according  to  the  spirit,  {Which  art  in 
heaven?) 

The  Jews,  considering  themselves  true  be- 
lievers, worshipped  an  external  God,  the 
Creator  and  Lord  of  the  universe. 

According  to  them,  this  God  had  entered 
into  an  agreement  with  them,  in  which  He 
promised  to  help  them,  and  they  to  worship 
Him ;  one  of  the  chief  conditions  in  the 
agreement  being  the  keeping  of  the  Sabbath. 
Jesus  said,  The  Sabbath  is  a  human  insti- 
tution. A  man  who  lives  in  the  spirit  is 
above  all  external  rites.  The  keeping  of 
the  Sabbath,  like  all  rites  of  outward  wor- 
ship, includes  a  delusion.  We  cannot  do 
nothing  on  the  Sabbath;  a  good  deed  must 
be  done  at  any  time,  and  if  the  Sabbath 
hinders  the  doing  of  a  good  action,  the  Sabbath 
is  evidently  an  error. 

170 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.     171 

Another  condition  in  this  agreement  with 
God  was  the  avoidance  of  the  society  of  those 
of  another  faith.  Concerning  this,  Jesus  said 
that  God  required  not  sacrifice  but  mutual 
love.  He  also  said,  referring  to  the  rule  of 
absolution  and  purification,  that  God  requires 
charity  before  external  cleanliness;  all  such 
ceremonies,  he  said,  were  harmful,  the  very 
tradition  of  the  Church  an  evil,  as  it  leads 
men. to  neglect  the  most  important  deeds 
of  love  towards  a  father  or  mother,  and  to 
justify  themselves  by  tradition. 

Concerning  all  that  is  eternal,  the  rules 
of  the  former  law,  which  defined  cases  of 
defilement,  Jesus  said,  Know  all  of  you  that 
nothing  external  can  defile  a  man ;  he  is  de- 
filed only  by  what  he  thinks  and  does. 

After  this  he  went  to  Jerusalem,  the  town 
that  was  considered  sacred,  and,  entering  the 
Temple  which  the  orthodox  believers  of  the 
time  considered  the  abode  of  God,  said  that 
man  is  more  important  than  the  Temple,  and 
that  it  is  only  necessary  to  love  and  to  help 
one's  neighbor.  Jesus  said  also  that  there  is  no 
need   to  worship   God   in   any  definite   place, 


172       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

but  that  we  must  worship  the  Father  by  deed 
and  in  the  spirit,  which  is  the  consciousness  in 
man  of  his  sonship  to  the  eternal  Spirit,  which 
may  neither  be  seen  nor  shown. 

Temples  are  needless,  for  the  true  temple  is 
the  world  cemented  together  with  love  ;  and 
external  worship  is  both  false  and  hurtful 
when  it  encourages  evil  deeds,  like  that  of 
the  Jews  which  enjoined  murder  and  the 
meglecting  of  parents,  and  because  the  man 
who  is  exact  in  the  accomplishment  of  rites 
becomes  self-satisfied,  and  neglects  the  doing 
of  love. 

Man  is  the  son  of  God  by  the  spirit,  and 
therefore  he  must  worship  the  Father  in  the 
spirit. 


CHAPTER  III 

From  the  spirit  of  the  Father  hath  proceeded  the 
life  of  all  men.     (Hallowed  be  Thy  name?) 

The  disciples  of  John  asked  Jesus,  What 
was  his  kingdom  of  God.  He  said,  I  and  John 
preach  the  same  kingdom  ;  it  is  that  all  men, 
however  poor,  may  be  blessed.  John  was  the 
first  who  gave  to  the  people  the  kingdom  of 
God,  not  in  an  external  form,  but  in  the  souls 
of  men. 

The  orthodox  believers  went  to  hear  him, 
but  understood  nothing,  for  such  can  only  con- 
ceive what  themselves  invent  about  God,  and 
marvel  that  men  refuse  their  inventions.  But 
John  preached  the  kingdom  of  God  within 
men,  and  so  out-went  his  predecessors  that 
from  his  time  the  law,  the  prophets,  and  all  ex- 
ternal worship  became  unnecessary,  since  it 
was  disclosed  that  the  kingdom  of  God  was  in 
the  hearts  of  men. 

173 


174       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

The  beginning  and  end  of  all  is  in  the  soul. 
Every  man  recognizes,  besides  his  bodily  con- 
ception, a  free  spirit  within  himself,  with  a 
power  of  reasoning  independent  of  the  body. 
This  spirit,  infinite  and  proceeding  from  the 
infinite,  is  the  beginning  of  all  which  we  call 
God,  and  we  know  Him  only  through  our 
knowledge  of  Him  in  ourselves.  This  spirit  is 
the  source  of  our  life,  and  must  be  put  above 
all,  for  by  it  we  live,  and  having  made  it  the 
foundation  of  our  being,  we  receive  eternal 
life. 

The  Father  who  sent  His  spirit  into  men  did 
not  do  so  to  deceive  them  with  the  loss  of  it, 
but  that  they  might  have  it  forever.  We  can- 
not choose  life  and  death. 

Life  in  the  spirit  is  death  in  the  body ;  in 
the  spirit  is  life  and  good,  in  the  body  darkness 
and  evil. 

Belief  in  the  spirit  is  the  doing  of  good,  un- 
belief is  the  doing  of  evil ;  the  one  is  life,  the 
other  death.  God  the  Creator,  the  founder  of 
all,  we  cannot  know  ;  but  we  may  believe  that 
He  has  sown,  in  all  alike,  the  spirit,  which  on 
good  ground  grows,  and  on  bad  fails. 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.      175 

Only  the  spirit  gives  life  to  men,  and  it  de- 
pends on  them  whether  they  keep  or  lose  it. 
■Evil  does  not  exist  for  the  spirit,  for  it  is  but 
the  counterfeit  of  life.  Existence  or  non-exist- 
ence :  for  every  man,  if  he  choose  it,  the  king- 
dom of  heaven  within  him.  All  may  enter  or 
refrain ;  and  he  who  possesses  the  life  of  the 
spirit  has  eternal  life. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE  KINGDOM  OF  GOD. 

And  therefore  the  will  of  the  Father  is  that  all 
men  should  have  life  and  happiness.  (Thy 
kingdom   come.) 

Jesus  had  pity  on  men  because  they  knew 
not  true  happiness,  and  he  taught  them.  He 
said,  Blessed  are  those  who  have  no  goods,  no 
fame,  and  no  care  for  these  things,  but  wretched 
are  they  who  seek  wealth  and  honors ;  for  the 
poor  and  the  oppressed  obey  the  will  of  the 
Father,  which  the  rich  and  the  honored  seek 
only  from  men  in  this  life.  In  order  to  fulfil 
the  will  of  the  Father,  we  must  not  fear  to  be 
poor  and  despised ;  we  must  be  glad  of  it,  and 
thus  show  men  in  what  true  happiness  consists. 

In  order  to  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father, 
which  gives  life  and  happiness  to  all  men,  we 
must  fulfil  five  commandments. 

The  first  commandment  — 
176 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING.     177 

To  offend  no  one,  and  by  no  act  to  excite 
evil  in  others,  for  out  of  evil  comes  evil. 

The  second  commandment  — 

To  be  in  all  things  chaste,  and  not  to  quit 
the  wife  whom  we  have  taken  ;  for  the  aban- 
doning of  wives  and  the  changing  of  them  is 
the  cause  of  all  loose  living  in  the  world. 

The  third  commandment  — 

Never  to  take  an  oath,  because  we  can  prom- 
ise nothing,  for  man  is  altogether  in  the  hands 
of  the  Father,  and  oaths  are  imposed  for  wicked 
ends. 

The  fourth  commandment  — 

Not  to  resist  evil,  to  bear  with  offences,  and 
to  do  yet  more  than  is  demanded  of  us ;  neither 
to  judge,  nor  to  go  to  law,  for  every  man  is 
himself  full  of  faults,  and  cannot  teach.  By 
seeking  revenge  men  only  teach  others  to  do 
the  same. 

The  fifth  commandment  — 

To  make  no  distinction  between  our  own 
countrymen  and  foreigners,  for  all  men  are  the 
children  of  one  Father. 

These  five  commandments  should  be  ob- 
served, not  to  gain  praise   from  man,  but  for 


178       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

our  own  sakes,  for  our  own  happiness,  and 
therefore  neither  prayer  nor  fasting  in  the  sight 
of  man  is  necessary.  The  Father  knows  all  we 
need.  So  we  have  nothing  to  ask  Him  for, 
but  only  to  strive  to  do  His  will.  The  will  of 
the  Father  is  this,  that  we  should  have  no 
malice  in  our  hearts  to  any  one. 

To  fast  is  unnecessary,  because  men  only 
fast  to  obtain  the  praise  of  others,  and  the 
praise  of  man  is  what  we  should  avoid.  We 
have  only  to  care  for  one  thing — to  live  ac- 
cording to  the  will  of  the  Father,  and  the  rest 
will  all  come  of  itself.  If  we  take  care  for  the 
things  of  the  flesh,  we  cannot  take  care  for  the 
things  which  are  of  the  kingdom  of  Heaven. 
A  man  may  live  without  care  for  food  or  dress. 
The  Father  will  give  life.  We  only  need  to 
take  care  that  we  are  living  at  the  present 
moment  after  the  will  of  the  Father.  The 
Father  gives  even  to  children  what  they  need. 
We  have  only  to  desire  the  strength  of  the 
spirit,  which  is  given  by  the  Father.  The  five 
commandments  show  the  way  to  the  kingdom 
of  Heaven.  This  narrow  path  alone  leads  to 
eternal  hope.     False  teachers,  wolves  in  sheep's 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING.      179 

clothing,  always  try  to  drive  men  from  this 
road.  We  must  beware  of  them.  It  is  always 
easy  to  recognize  these  false  teachers,  because 
they  teach  evil  in  the  name  of  good.  If  they 
teach  violence  and  slaughter,  they  are  false 
teachers.  By  what  they  teach  they  may  be 
known. 

It  is  not  he  who  calls  upon  the  name  of  God, 
but  he  who  does  good  work,  that  fulfils  the  will 
of  the  Father.  Thus,  whoever  fulfils  these  five 
commandments  will  have  the  absolute  certainty 
of  a  true  life  which  nothing  can  deprive  him  of, 
but  whoever  does  not  fulfil  them  will  not  have 
any  certainty  of  life,  but  a  life  which  he  will 
soon  lose,  so  that  nothing  will  remain  to  him. 
The  teaching  of  Jesus  astonished  and  delighted 
all  the  people,  because  it  promised  liberty  to 
all. 

The  teaching  of  Jesus  was  the  fulfilment  of 
the  prophecies  of  Isaiah,  that  the  chosen  of  God 
should  bring  light  unto  men,  should  defeat  evil, 
and  should  establish  truth,  not  by  violence,  but 
by  mildness,  humility,  and  goodness. 


CHAPTER  V. 

THE   TRUE   LIFE. 

The  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the  Father  gives 
a  true  life.     (Thy  will  he  done^) 

The  wisdom  of  life  is  to  understand  that  we 
live  but  as  the  sons  of  the  Spirit,  who  is  our 
Father.  Men  adopt  for  their  lives  the  aims  of 
the  flesh,  and  through  attaining  those  aims  tor- 
ment themselves  and  others.  By  accepting  the 
teaching  of  the  spirit  as  to  life,  and  by  subduing 
and  quieting  the  flesh,  men  obtain  the  full  satis- 
faction in  the  life  of  the  spirit,  of  the  life  which 
was  appointed  for  them.  It  happened  once 
that  Jesus  asked  a  woman  of  another  faith  to 
give  him  to  drink.  The  woman  refused,  under 
the  pretext  that  she  was  of  another  faith.  On 
this  Jesus  said  to  her,  If  thou  hadst  understood 
that  he  is  a  living  man  who  asks  thee  for  drink, 
in  whom  is  the  spirit  of  the  Father,  thou 
wouldst  not  have  refused,  but  have  sought  by 
180 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       181 

doing  good  to  be  united  in  the  spirit  to  the 
Father,  and  the  spirit  of  the  Father  would  have 
given  thee  water,  not  such  as  that  which  makes 
men  wish  to  drink  again,  but  water  which  gives 
eternal  life.  It  is  needless  to  pray  to  God  in 
any  appointed  place  ;  those  only  can  serve  Him 
in  whom  is  His  spirit,  by  deeds  of  love. 

And  Jesus  said  to  his  disciples,  The  true 
food  of  man  is  the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the 
Father.  The  fulfilment  of  that  will  is  always 
possible.  Our  whole  life  is  a  gathering  of  the 
living  fruits  sown  in  us  by  the  Father.  These 
fruits  are  the  good  which  we  do  unto  others. 

We  have  no  need  to  await  anything  ;  our  life 
must  be  a  ceaseless  act  of  good  to  man. 

After  this  Jesus  happened  to  be  in  Jerusalem. 
There,  there  was  a  bathing-place,  and  a  man 
lying  doing  nothing,  a  sick  man  waiting  to  be 
cured  by  a  miracle.  Jesus  went  up  to  him  and 
said,  Wait  not  to  be  cured  by  a  miracle,  but 
cure  thyself  as  far  as  thou  hast  strength,  and 
mistake  not  the  meaning  of  life.  The  sick  man 
listened  to  Jesus,  arose,  and  went  his  way. 

On  seeing  that,  the  Pharisees  began  to  re- 
proach Jesus  for  what  he  had  said,  and  for  hav- 


182      THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST S  TEACHING. 

ing  cured  the  sick  on  the  Sabbath.  Jesus  said 
unto  them  :  I  have  done  nothing  new,  I  have 
done  only  what  our  common  Father,  the  Great 
Spirit,  does.  He  lives  and  gives  life  to  men, 
and  I  have  done  the  same.  To  do  this  is  the 
vocation  of  every  man.  Every  man  is  free  to 
live  or  not  to  live.  To  live,  means  to  fulfd  the 
will  of  the  Father,  that  is,  to  do  good  to  others ; 
not  to  live,  means  to  fulfil  our  own  will,  and  to 
do  no  good  to  others.  It  is  in  the  power  of 
every  man  to  do  the  one  or  the  other,  to  obtain 
life  or  to  destroy  it.  See  what  the  true  life  of 
man  is  like  ;  a  master  gave  his  slaves  a  part  of 
a  valuable  property,  and  ordered  them  to  labor 
each  with  his  own  share.  Some  did  so,  and 
others  did  not,  but  hid  what  had  been  given 
them.  The  master  came  to  call  them  to  ac- 
count; and  to  those  who  had  done  much  he 
gave  more  than  they  already  had,  and  from 
those  who  had  done  little  he  took  everything 
away. 

The  share  in  the  valuable  property  of  the 
master  is  the  spirit  of  life  in  man,  the  son  of 
the  Father.  He  who  labors  in  life  for  the  life 
of  the   spirit   obtains   eternal    life ;    while    he 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       183 

who  labors  not,  loses  the  life  which  was 
given  him. 

The  true  life  is  the  common  life  of  all,  not 
the  life  of  one.  All  must  labor  for  the  life  of 
others. 

After  this  Jesus  went  into  the  desert,  and 
many  of  the  people  followed  after  him.  In  the 
evening  the  disciples  came  and  said,  With  what 
shall  we  feed  all  these  men  ?  Among  the 
people  there  were  some  who  had  nothing,  and 
some  who  had  taken  with  them  bread  and  fish. 
Then  Jesus  said  to  the  disciples,  Give  all  the 
bread  you  have.  He  took  the  bread  and  gave 
it  to  his  disciples,  and  they  gave  it  to  others, 
and  then  others  began  to  do  the  same.  And 
all  ate  what  others  gave,  and  all  were  satisfied, 
but  they  had  no  need  to  eat  all  they  had.  And 
Jesus  said,  So  also  you  must  do.  Every  one 
must  not  seek  to  provide  himself  with  food, 
but  must  give  to  others  what  he  has,  as  the 
spirit  in  man  tells  him  to  do. 

The  real  food  of  man  is  the  spirit  of  the 
Father.     Men  live  only  through  the  spirit. 

We  are  bound  to  serve  all  the  functions  of 
life,  for  to  live  is  not  to  do  our  own  will,  but 


184       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

the  will  of  the  Father  of  life.  The  will  of  the 
Father  is  that  the  life  of  the  spirit  which  is  in 
every  man  should  remain  in  him,  and  that  all 
should  preserve  that  life  till  the  hour  of  death. 
The  Father  is  the  spirit  which  is  the  source  of 
all  life.  Life  is  only  the  fulfilment  of  the  will 
of  the  Father,  and  therefore  for  the  fulfilment 
of  the  will  of  the  spirit  it  is  necessary  to  give 
up  the  things  of  the  flesh.  The  flesh  is  food 
for  the  life  of  the  spirit,  and  only  by  consuming 
the  things  of  the  flesh  can  the  spirit  live. 

After  this  Jesus  chose  certain  disciples  and 
sent  them  abroad  to  proclaim  everywhere  his 
teaching  of  the  life  of  the  spirit.  When  he 
sent  them  he  said,  Go  and  preach  the  life  of 
the  spirit,  and  therefore  give  up  beforehand  all 
the  pleasures  of  the  flesh,  have  nothing  of  your 
own.  Make  yourselves  ready  for  persecution, 
privations,  and  suffering.  You  will  be  hated  by 
those  who  love  the  life  of  the  flesh,  and  they 
will  torture  and  kill  you,  but.  be  not  afraid. 
If  you  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father,  you  will 
have  the  life  of  the  spirit,  and  no  man  can 
take  it   from  you. 

The   disciples  set  forth,  and  when  they  re- 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       185 

turned  they  announced  that  everywhere  they 
had  prevailed  over  evil. 

Then  the  Pharisees  said  to  Jesus  that  his 
teaching,  even  if  it  prevailed  over  evil,  was 
an  evil  itself,  inasmuch  as  those  who  professed 
it  had  to  endure  suffering.  To  this  Jesus 
answered,  Evil  cannot  prevail  over  evil,  for 
evil  can  only  be  overcome  by  good.  Good  is 
the  will  of  the  Father-Spirit,  of  the  spirit 
whrch  is  common  to  all  men.  Every  man 
knows  that  good  exists  for  him.  If  he  does 
good  to  others,  if  he  does  what  is  the  will  of 
the  Father,  he  does  well.  Therefore  the  fulfil- 
ment of  the  will  of  the  Father-Spirit  is  good, 
although  it  be  accompanied  with  suffering  and 
death  for  those  who  accomplish  it. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

A  FALSE   LIFE. 

And  therefore,  in  order  to  attain  to  a  true  life,  a 
man  on  earth  must  abstain  from  the  false  life 
of  the  flesh,  and  live  in  the  spirit.  (  On  earth 
as  in  heaven.") 

For  the  life  of  the  spirit  there  can  be  no 
difference  between  relations  and  strangers. 

Jesus  said  that  his  mother  and  his  brothers 
were  nothing  to  him  in  their  personal  relation- 
ship ;  those  only  were  near  to  him  who  fulfilled 
the  will  of  the  common  Father. 

The  happiness  and  the  life  of  man  depend, 
not  upon  his  family  ties,  but  on  the  life  of  the 
spirit.  Jesus  says,  Blessed  are  they  who  keep 
to  the  knowledge  of  the  Father.  A  man  who 
lives  by  the  spirit  has  no  home.  Jesus  said 
that  no  home  had  been  appointed  for  him. 
For  the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the  Father  no 
appointed  place  is  needed,  it  is  everywhere  and 
always  to  be  found. 

186 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CUEIST'S  TEACHING.       187 

The  death  of  the  body  cannot  be  terrible  to 
a  man  who  has  surrendered  himself  to  the  will 
of  the  Father,  for  the  life  of  the  spirit  does  not 
depend  on  the  death  of  the  body.  Jesus  says 
that  he  who  believes  in  the  life  of  the  spirit 
cannot  fear  anything. 

No  cares  can  prevent  a  man  living  the  life  o{ 
the  spirit.  To  the  man  who  said  that  he  would 
perform  the  will  of  the  Father  afterwards,  but 
that^he  must  first  bury  his  father,  Jesus  an- 
swered, Only  the  dead  can  trouble  about  bury- 
ing the  dead ;  the  living  live  always  by  fulfill- 
ing the  will  of  the  Father. 

Care  for  family  and  domestic  affairs  cannot 
prevent  the  life  of  the  spirit.  He  who  troubles 
himself  about  the  way  in  which  his  bodily  life 
will  be  affected  by  his  fulfilling  the  will  of  the 
Father,  is  like  the  tiller  who  while  he  ploughs 
looks  behind  him  and  not  before. 

The  cares  for  the  joys  of  the  life  of  the  flesh, 
which  seem  so  important  to  men,  are  really  but 
a  dream.  The  only  real  business  of  life  is  the 
announcement  of  the  will  of  the  Father,  atten- 
tion to  it,  and  fulfilment  of  it.  To  the  reproach 
of  Martha,  that  she  was  left  alone  to  look  after 


188       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

the  supper,  while  her  sister  Mary,  instead  of 
helping  her,  cared  only  to  listen  to  his  teach- 
ing, Jesus  replied,  In  vain  dost  thou  reproach 
her;  trouble  thyself  with  these  things  if  they 
are  necessary  for  thee,  but  let  alone  those  who 
need  not  bodily  pleasures ;  let  them  do  the  one 
thing  needful  in  order  to  live. 

Jesus  said  that  he  who  wishes  to  obtain  the 
true  life,  which  consists  in  the  fulfilment  of  the 
will  of  the  Father,  must  before  all  things  give 
up  his  own  personal  desires.  Such  an  one 
must  not  only  refrain  from  fashioning  his  life 
according  to  his  own  wishes,  but  be  ready  at 
any  hour  to  endure  all  kinds  of  privation  and 
suffering. 

He  who  wishes  to  fashion  his  bodily  life  after 
his  own  will,  will  ruin  the  true  life  which  fulfils 
the  will  of  the  Father. 

And  there  is  no  advantage  in  the  accumula- 
tion of  necessity  for  the  life  of  the  body,  if 
such  should  ruin  the  life  of  the  spirit. 

The  life  of  the  spirit  is  destroyed  by  noth- 
ing so  surely  as  by  the  love  of  gain,  the  ac- 
quirement of  wealth.  Men  forget  that,  what- 
ever riches   and   property  they  acquire,  they 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       189 

may  die  at  any  moment,  and  that  property  is 
not  needed  for  their  life.  Death  hangs  over 
each  of  us.  Illness,  the  murderous  violence  of 
men,  accident  at  any  moment  may  put  an  end 
to  life.  The  death  of  the  body  is  the  unavoid- 
able condition  of  every  instant  of  life.  While 
a  man  lives  he  should  look  upon  each  hour  of 
his  life  as  a  respite  granted  him  by  favor.  We 
should  remember  this,  and  not  say  that  we  do 
not  know  it.  We  know  and  foresee  all  that 
happens  on  earth  and  in  heaven,  but  we  for- 
get the  death  which  we  know  awaits  us  every 
moment.  If  we  did  not  forget  this,  we  could 
not  give  ourselves  up  to  the  life  of  the  body; 
we  could  not  depend  on  it. 

Christ  went  on  to  say,  In  order  to  follow  my 
teaching,  you  must  weigh  well  the  advantages 
of  serving  the  flesh  and  your  own  will  against 
those  of  fulfilling  the  will  of  the  Father.  He 
alone  who  has  carefully  calculated  this  can 
become  my  pupil,  but  he  who  has  done  so 
will  not  prefer  a  pretended  good  and  a  pre- 
tended life  to  a  true  good  and  a  true  life. 
The  true  life  is  given  to  men,  and  men  know 
it,  and  listen  to  its   call,  but,  ever  led  away 


190       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

by  the  cares  of  the  moment,  they  lose  this 
life. 

The  true  life  is  like  the  feast  given  by  a 
rich  man,  to  which  he  invited  guests.  He 
called  to  them,  as  the  voice  of  the  Father- 
Spirit  calls  unto  all.  But  some  of  the  guests 
were  occupied  with  their  trade,  others  with 
their  household  affairs,  others  again  with  their 
family,  and  these  came  not  to  the  feast.  The 
poor,  however,  who  had  no  earthly  cares,  went 
to  the  feast  and  were  happy.  And  thus  men, 
led  away  by  their  care  for  the  life  of  the  body, 
deprive  themselves  of  the  true  life. 

Whoever  shall  not  utterly  renounce  all  the 
cares  and  advantages  of  the  life  of  the  body, 
cannot  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father,  for  it  is 
not  possible  partly  to  serve  ourselves  and 
partly  the  Father.  We  must  calculate  whether 
it  profit  us  to  serve  the  flesh,  whether  we  are 
able  to  fashion  our  lives  as  we  will.  We 
must  do  as  a  man  does  who  would  build  a 
house,  or  who  prepares  for  war.  He  calculates 
beforehand  whether  he  will  be  able  to  finish 
his  house,  whether  he  can  hope  for  victory. 
If  he    see    that  both   are    impossible,    he   will 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       191 

throw  away  in  vain  neither  his  trouble  nor 
his  troops,  to  be  ruined  for  nothing  and  to 
become  the  laughing-stock  of  others.  Were 
it  possible  to  regulate  the  life  of  the  body 
according  to  our  own  wishes,  it  might  be 
worth  while  to  serve  the  flesh ;  but  as  that 
is  impossible,  it  is  better  to  renounce  all  that 
belongs  to  the  flesh  and  serve  only  the  spirit. 
Otherwise,  it  is  neither  one  thing  nor  the 
other.  Our  bodily  life  we  do  not  secure,  and 
our  spiritual  life  we  lose.  Therefore,  in  order 
to  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father,  we  must  utterly 
renounce  all  the  works  of  the  flesh. 

The  life  of  the  body  is  as  the  imaginary 
treasure  of  another  entrusted  to  us,  that  we 
may  use  it  so  as  to  procure  for  ourselves  true 
riches.  If  a  steward  serve  a  rich  man,  and 
know  that,  however  long  he  may  serve  this 
master,  the  latter  will  call  him  to  account 
and  leave  him  with  nothing,  he  does  wisely, 
while  he  still  administers  his  master's  wealth, 
to  do  good  to  others.  In  that  case,  if  his 
master  send  him  off,  those  to  whom  he  has 
done  good  will  receive  and  keep  him.  Men 
should  do  the  same  with  the  life  of  the  body. 


192       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

The  life  of  the  body  is  the  treasure  of  another 
of  which  they  dispose  only  for  a  time.  If  they 
use  that  treasure  well,  they  will  obtain  true 
riches  for  themselves. 

Unless  we  give  up  our  pretended  wealth,  we 
shall  obtain  no  real  wealth.  We  cannot  serve 
both  the  false  life  of  the  flesh  and  that  of  the 
spirit;  we  must  serve  the  one  or  the  other. 
We  cannot  strive  for  riches  and  serve  God. 
What  is  great  in  the  sight  of  men  is  an  abom- 
ination unto  God.  Wealth  to  God  is  an  evil 
thing.  The  rich  man  is  wrong  in  that  he  eats 
in  abundance  and  luxury  while  the  beggar 
hungers  at  his  gate.  All  should  know  that 
the  retaining  of  property  for  ourselves  is  a 
direct  non-fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the  Father. 

There  came  once  to  Jesus  a  rich  Pharisee, 
and  he  began  to  boast  that  he  had  fulfilled  all 
the  commandments  of  the  law.  Jesus  re- 
minded him  of  the  commandment  to  love 
all  men  as  we  love  ourselves,  saying  that  this 
was  the  will  of  the  Father.  The  Pharisee 
answered  that  he  had  ever  done  this.  Then 
Jesus  said  that  it  was  not  true.  If  thou  didst 
wish   to   fulfil   the   will    of  the    Father,  thou 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       193 

wouldst  have  no  property.  It  is  impossible 
to  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father,  if  thou  hast 
goods  which  thou  givest  not  to  others. 

And  Jesus  said  to  his  disciples,  It  seems  to 
men  that  without  property  they  cannot  live ; 
but  I  say  unto  you  that  the  true  life  is  in 
giving  of  your  own  unto  others.  A  certain 
man,  by  name  Zaccheus,  heard  the  teaching  of 
Jesus,  believed  it,  and  invited  Jesus  into  his 
house,  saying,  The  half  of  my  substance  I  give 
to  the  poor,  and  I  will  repay  fourfold  those 
whom  I  have  offended.  And  Jesus  said,  Be- 
hold a  man  in  the  act  of  fulfilling  the  will  of 
the  Father ;  but  there  is  no  position  in  which 
the  will  of  the  Father  is  wholly  fulfilled ;  our 
whole  life  is  but  the  attempt  to  fulfil  it. 

Good  has  no  measure  of  comparative  value ; 
we  cannot  say  who  has  done  more,  who  less. 
The  widow  who  gives  her  last  mite  gives  more 
than  the  rich  man  who  gives  his  thousands. 
Neither  can  we  measure  good  by  utility. 

Let  us  take  as  our  example  of  the  way  to  do 
good  the  woman  who  took  pity  on  Jesus,  and 
heedlessly  anointed  his  feet  with  the  most 
valuable  oil.     Judas   said   that  she  bad  acted 


194       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

foolishly,  that  she  had  expended  what  might 
have  fed  many.  But  Judas  was  a  thief  and  a 
liar,  who  spoke  of  the  good  things  of  the  flesh, 
and  never  thought  of  the  poor.  It  is  not 
worldly  advantage,  nor  the  amount  of  it,  that 
is  wanted,  but  that  we  should  at  every  instant 
of  our  lives  love  others  and  give  up  to  them 
what  is  our  own. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

I  AND   THE  FATHER   ARE  ONE. 

The  true  food  of  life  is  the  fulfilment  of  the  will 
of  the  Father *,  and  union  with  Him.  {Giive 
us  this  day  our  daily  bread.) 

In  answer  to  the  demand  of  the  Jews  for 
proof  of  the  truth  of  his  teaching,  Jesus  said 
that  the  proof  was  this,  that  he  taught  not 
of  himself,  but  of  the  common  Father  of  all. 

I  teach  what  is  good  in  the  sight  of  the 
Father  of  all  men,  and  therefore  what  is 
good  for  all  men.  Do  what  I  say,  fulfil  my 
five  commandments,  and  you  will  see  that 
what  I  say  is  right.  The  fulfilment  of  these 
five  commandments  delivers  the  world  from 
evil,  and  the  commandments  are  true.  It 
is  clear  that  he  who  teaches,  not  what  is 
his  own  personal  will,  but  the  will  of  Him 
who  sent  him,  teaches  truth.  The  law  of 
Moses  teaches  the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  man, 
195 


196       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

and  therefore  it  is  full  of  contradictions ;  my 
teaching  prescribes. the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of 
the  Father,  and  therefore  it  leads  in  all  things 
to  one  end. 

The  Jews  did  not  understand  him,  and 
sought  for  external  evidence  that  he  was  the 
Christ  spoken  of  by  the  prophets.  To  this 
he  answered,  Seek  not  to  know  who  I  am,  nor 
whether  your  prophets  wrote  of  me  or  not,  but 
take  to  heart  my  teaching  and  what  I  say  to 
you  of  our  common  Father.  Myself,  as  a  man, 
you  need  not  believe  in,  but  believe  in  what  I 
tell  you  in  the  name  of  the  common  Father  of 
all  men. 

No  external  proof  of  whence  I  came  is 
wanted,  but  that  you  should  follow  my  teach- 
ing. He  who  follows  that  shall  obtain  a  true 
life.  There  can  be  no  proof  of  the  truth  of 
my  teaching.  It  is  light,  and,  as  light  cannot 
be  made  light,  so  the  truth  of  what  is  true  can- 
not be  proved.  My  teaching  is  light,  and 
whoever  sees  it  has  light  and  life,  and  for  him 
all  proof  is  needless.  But  whoever  is  in  dark- 
ness must  come  to  the  light. 

But  the  Jews  again  asked  him  who  he  was 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       197 

after  the  flesli.  He  said  to  them,  I  am  what  I 
told  you  from  the  first,  a  man,  and  the  son  of 
the  Father  of  life.  Only  he  who  understands 
that  he  is  himself  a  son  of  this  Father  (which 
truth  I  teach),  and  who  fulfils  His  will,  ceases 
to  be  a  slave,  and  becomes  free ;  for  it  is  only 
the  error  which  makes  us  take  the  life  of  the 
body  for  the  real  life,  that  prevents  our  being 
free.  Only  he  who  understands  the  truth,  that 
life  consists  only  in  the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of 
his  Father,  is  free  and  immortal. 

As  the  slave  does  not  stay  in  the  master's 
house  forever,  whereas  the  son  does  always,  so 
the  man  who  lives  as  a  slave  to  the  flesh  does 
not  live  a  life  which  lasts  forever,  but  the  man 
who  fulfils  in  the  spirit  the  will  of  the  Father 
has  life  eternal.  In  order  to  understand  me 
you  must  understand  that  my  Father  is  not 
your  father  —  is  not  the  one  whom  you  call 
God.  Your  father  is  the  god  of  the  flesh,  and 
my  Father  is  the  Spirit  of  life.  Your  father  is 
the  god  of  vengeance,  the  slayer  of  men,  he 
who  punishes  men,  and  my  Father  gives  life. 
We  are,  therefore,  the  children  of  different 
fathers.      I  seek   the   truth,   and    you    desire 


198       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

to  slay  me,  in  order  to  please  your  god. 
Your  god  is  a  devil,  the  cause  of  evil,  and  if 
you  serve  him  you  serve  the  devil.  My 
teaching  is  that  we  are  the  sons  of  the  Father 
of  life,  and  he  who  believes  in  my  teaching  will 
not  see  death.  The  Jews  said,  How  can  it  be 
that  a  man  shall  not  die,  when  all,  even  those 
most  pleasing  to  God,  even  Abraham  himself, 
died  ?  How  canst  thou  say  that  thou  thyself, 
and  those  who  believe  in  thy  teaching,  shall 
not  die  ? 

To  this  Jesus  answered  that  he  taught  noth- 
ing of  himself.  I  speak  of  that  first  cause  of 
life  which  you  call  God,  and  which  is  in  men. 
This  cause  I  know,  and  cannot  help  knowing  ; 
I  know  its  will  and  fulfil  that  will,  and  of  that 
first  cause  of  life  I  say  that  it  has  been,  is,  and 
will  be,  and  that  for  it  there  is  no  death. 

To  require  a  proof  of  the  truth  of  my  teach- 
ing, is  as  if  proof  were  required  of  a  blind 
man,  why  and  how  he  saw  light. 

A  blind  man  cured  of  his  blindness,  and  re- 
maining the  same  man  that  he  was  before, 
could  only  say  that  he  had  been  blind,  and  that 
now  he  saw.     In  the  same  way,  the  man  who 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       199 

once  did  not,  but  now  does,  understand  the 
meaning  of  his  life,  can  say  no  more. 

Such  a  man  can  only  say  that  formerly  he 
did  not  know  true  happiness  in  life,*  and  that 
now  he  does.  Like  the  blind  man  cured  of  .his 
blindness,  if  told  that  he  has  been  cured  by 
wrong  treatment,  that  the  man  who  cured  him 
is  a  sinner,  that  he  ought  to  have  been  cured 
differently,  he  can  only  reply  that  he  knows 
nothing  about  right  or  wrong  treatment,  about 
the  sinfulness  of  the  man  who  cured  him,  or  of 
any  other  better  means  of  cure ;  he  knows  only 
that  he  was  blind,  and  that  now  he  can  see. 

It  is  thus  with  the  man  who  has  attained  to 
an  understanding  of  the  meaning  of  life,  of 
true  happiness,  and  the  fulfilment  of  the  will 
of  the  Father ;  he  cannot  say  whether  this 
teaching  is  right  or  not,  whether  the  teacher  is 
a  sinner  or  not,  who  discovered  this  teaching, 
or  whether  a  better  happiness  can  or  cannot  be 
known.  He  says  that  formerly  he  saw  no 
meaning  in  life,  and  now  he  does  see  a  mean- 
ing :  he  knows  no  more. 

And  Jesus  said,  My  teaching  is  the  awaken- 
ing of  a  life  that  was  asleep.     He  who  believes 


200       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

in  my  teaching  wakes  to  eternal  life,  and  is 
alive  after  death. 

My  teaching  is  not  to  be  proved,  but  men 
follow  it  because  it  alone  promises  life  to  them. 

As  sheep  follow  the  shepherd  who  gives 
them  food  and  life,  so  men  accept  my  teaching 
because  it  gives  life  to  all.  As  sheep  do  not 
follow  the  thief  who  climbs  into  the  fold,  but 
flee  from  him,  so  men  cannot  believe  in  a  teach- 
ing founded  on  violence  and  slaughter.  My 
teaching  is  a  door  for  the  sheep,  and  all  those 
who  follow  me  find  a  true  life.  The  good 
shepherd  is  himself  the  master,  and  loves  his 
sheep,  and  gives  his  life  for  them;  the  bad 
shepherd  is  the  hired  one,  who  loves  not  his 
sheep.  The  same  with  teachers :  he  only  is  a 
true  one  who  does  not  pity  himself,  and  he  is 
a  bad  one  who  makes  self  his  first  object.  My 
teaching  is  that  we  take  no  care  for  ourselves, 
but  be  ready  to  give  up  our  bodily  life  for  the 
life  of  the  spirit ;  this  is  what  I  teach  and  what 
I  fulfil. 

The  Jews  still  did  not  understand  him,  and 
Still  sought  for  proof  whether  he  were  Christ 
or  not,  and  consequently  whether  they  should 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       201 

believe  him  or  not.  They  said,  Do  not  perplex 
us,  but  say  at  once,  art  thou  Christ  or  no  ? 
Jesus  answered  that  they  should  believe  not 
words  but  deeds.  By  the  works  which  I 
teach,  you  will  understand  whether  I  teach  the 
truth  or  not.  Do  what  I  do,  and  cease  to 
weigh  words.  Fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father, 
then  indeed  you  all  will  be  united  with  me 
and  with  the  Father,  for  I,  the  Son  of  Man,  am 
whsyt  the  Father  is.  I  am  that  which  you  call 
God,  and  which  I  call  the  Father.  I  and  the 
Father  are  one.  In  your  scriptures  it  is  written 
that  God  said  to  men,  Ye  are  gods.  Every 
man  by  the  spirit  is  the  son  of  the  Father,  and 
if  he  lives  to  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father,  he  is 
one  with  the  Father.  If  I  fulfil  the  will  of  the 
Father,  the  Father  is  in  me  and  I  am  in  the 
Father. 

After  this  Jesus  asked  his  disciples  how  they 
understood  his  teaching  about  the  Son  of  Man. 
Simon  Peter  answered,  Thy  teaching  is  that 
thou  art  the  Son  of  the  God  of  life,  that  God 
is  the  life  of  the  spirit  in  man.  And  Jesus 
said  to  him,  Blessed  art  thou,  Simon,  in  having 
understood  this,  for  man  indeed  could  not  have 


202       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

revealed  this  unto  thee,  but  thou  hast  under- 
stood this  by  the  revelation  of  God  within 
thee. 

The  true   life    of    men  is   founded   on   this 
knowledge,  and  such  life  knows  no  death. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

LIFE  NOT   IN  TIME. 

Therefore  a  man  really  lives  when  he  thinks 
only  of  fulfilling  the  will  of  the  Father  in -the 
present,  and  leaves  all  thought  of  the  past  and 
of  the  future.  (Give  us  now  our  daily  bread, 
and  forgive  us  our  trespasses  as  we  forgive 
them  that  trespass  against  ws.) 

To  the  doubts  of  his  disciples,  as  to  what 
would  be  their  reward  for  renouncing  the  life 
of  the  flesh,  Jesus  answered,  There  can  be  no 
reward  for  the  man  who  understands  the  mean- 
ing of  my  teaching :  firstly,  because  a  man  who 
renounces  his  relations  and  those  dear  to  him, 
and  his  property,  in  the  name  of  my  teaching, 
gains  a  hundredfold  more  friends  and  prop- 
erty ;  secondly,  because  a  man  who  seeks  a 
reward,  seeks  to  have  more  than  others,  and 
that  is  the  thing  most  contrary  to  the  fulfil- 
ment of  the  will  of  the  Father.     In  the  king- 

203 


204      THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

dom  of  Heaven  there  are  neither  greater  nor 
less  ;  all  are  equal. 

Those  who  seek  a  reward  for  doing  good  are 
like  workmen  who  demand  a  higher  payment 
than  what  they  have  agreed  for  with  the  mas- 
ter, on  the  plea  that  on  their  own  judgment 
they  are  worthier  than  others.  Reward  and 
punishment,  abasement  and  exaltation,  do  not 
exist  for  him  who  understands  my  teaching. 

No  one  can  be  greater  or  of  more  importance 
than  another,  according  to  the  teaching  of 
Christ. 

Every  one  may  fulfil  the  will  of  the  Father, 
but  by  doing  so  no  one  becomes  superior  to,  or 
better  than,  another.  Only  kings  and  those 
that  serve  them  think  themselves  so.  Accord- 
ing to  my  teaching,  says  Jesus,  there  can  be 
no  superiors,  because  he  who  wishes  to  be  bet- 
ter than  others  must  be  their  servant,  because 
my  teaching  is  that  life  is  given  a  man  not  for 
profit  of  being  served,  but  for  devotion  of  ser- 
vice altogether  for  the  sake  of  others,  and  that 
he  who  does  not  follow  this  teaching,  but  exalts 
himself,  shall  but  become  lower. 

In  order  not  to  think  of  reward  and  exalta- 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.     205 

tion  of  self,  we  must  understand  what  is  the 
real  meaning  of  life.  It  lies  in  the  fulfilment 
of  the  will  of  the  Father,  that  what  He  has 
given  should  be  returned  to  Him.  As  the 
shepherd  leaves  the  whole  flock  to  search  for 
one  lost  sheep,  as  a  woman  turns  over  every- 
thing to  find  a  lost  coin,  so  the  Father  shows  >/ 
Himself  to  us  as  the  One  who  draws  back  to 
Himself  what  has  once  been  His. 

We  must  understand  what  makes  life  real.  J 
True  life  appears  in  this,  that  what  is  lost 
returns  to  the  owner,  that  that  which  sleeps  is 
awakened.  Men  who  possess  a  true  life,  and 
who  have  returned  to  the  cause  from  which 
they  sprang,  cannot,  like  other  men,  stay  to 
consider  who  is  better  and  who  worse,  but,  be- 
ing sharers  in  the  life  of  the  Father,  can  only 
rejoice  over  the  lost  one  who  returns  to  the 
Father.  If  a  son,  who  has  lost  his  way  and 
wandered  from  the  Father,  repent  and  return 
to  Him,  surely  the  other  sons  of  the  Father 
cannot  envy  his  joy,  and  can  only  be  glad  of 
the  return  of  a  brother. 

In  order  to  believe  in  this  teaching,  to  change 
our  lives  and  fulfil  it,  no  external  proofs,  no 


206       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

rewards,  are  needed  ;  we  require  a  clear  under- 
standing of  what  true  life  is.  If  men  think 
that  they  are  the  masters  of  their  own  lives,  that 
their  lives  were  given  them  to  be  spent  in  the 
pleasures  of  the  flesh,  naturally  every  act  of 
self-sacrifice  for  others  will  appear  to  them 
worthy  of  reward,  and  unrecompensed  the}'  will 
give  up  nothing.  If  the  laborers  in  a  garden, 
who  work  there  on  condition  of  giving  the 
fruits  to  the  master,  having  forgotten  that 
agreement,  are  required  to  pay  according  to  it, 
they  will,  when  the  chance  occurs,  kill  him 
who  makes  the  demand.  Those  who  consider 
themselves  to  be  masters  of  their  own  lives, 
think  like  the  laborers,  and  do  not  understand 
that  life  is  a  gift  of  the  spirit,  which  requires 
the  fulfilment  of  its  will.  In  order  to  believe 
and  act,  we  must  understand  that  man  can  do 
nothing  of  himself,  that  if  he  renounces  the  life 
of  the  flesh  for  the  sake  of  doing  good,  he  does 
nothing  for  which  he  can  claim  thanks  and  re- 
ward. We  must  understand  that  a  man,  when 
he  does  good,  does  only  what  he  is  bound 
to  do,  what  he  cannot  but  do.  It  is  only 
by   thus   understanding    his    life   that   a   man 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       207 

can  so  believe  as  really  to  be  capable  of  doing 
good  works. 

It  is  this  understanding  of  life  which  makes 
the  kingdon  of  Heaven,  which  is  invisible,  and 
not  such  as  can  be  shown  anywhere.  The 
kingdom  of  Heaven  is  in  the  understanding  of 
men.  The  world  lives  as  it  has  always  done. 
Men  eat,  drink,  give  in  marriage,  trade,  and  die, 
and  all  the  while  apart  from  these  things  there 
lives,, in  men's  thoughts  this  kingdom.  The 
kingdom  of  Heaven  is  the  understanding  of 
life,  like  a  tree  in  spring  growing  of  itself. 

The  true  life  through  the  fulfilment  of  the 
will  of  the  Father  is  not  the  life  which  is  past, 
is  not  that  which  is  to  come,  but  the  life  of  the 
present  moment,  what  each  of  us  must  do  now. 
It  follows,  therefore,  that  we  must  never  cease 
in  our  efforts  to  carry  out  this  life.  Men  are 
appointed  to  care  not  for  the  life  of  the  past  or 
for  that  of  the  future,  but  for  the  actual  life  at 
any  moment,  and  during  that  life  to  fulfil  the 
will  of  the  Father  of  all  men.  If  they  lose 
their  hold  of  this  life  through  not  fulfilling  the 
the  will  of  the  Father,  they  cannot  again  re- 
cover it:    the  watchman  appointed  to  watch 


208        THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

through  the  night  does  At  perform  his  duty  if 
he  fall  asleep  but  for  a  moment,  for  in  that 
moment  the  thief  may  come.  Man,  therefore, 
must  apply  all  his  energies  to  the  present  hour, 
for  the  fulfilment  of  the  Father's  will  can  be 
achieved  only  in  the  present.  The  will  of  the 
Father  is  the  life  and  the  happiness  of  all  men. 
Therefore  the  fulfilment  of  His  will  is  the  good 
of  all  men.  Only  those  live  who  do  good. 
Good  to  men  (at  the  present  moment)  is  life, 
and  unites  us  to  the  common  Father. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

TEMPTATIONS.      * 

The  delusions  of  the  individual  and  temporal 
life  hide  from  men  the  true  life,  which  alone  is 
real  in  union  with  the  Father.  {Lead  us  not 
into  temptation,) 

Man  is  born  with  a  knowledge  of  the  true  J 
life  through  the  fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the 
Father.  Children  live  this  life,  and  in  them  is 
seen  the  will  of  the  Father.  In  order  to  under- 
stand the  teaching  of  Jesus,  we  must  under- 
stand the  life  of  children,  and  be  what  they  are. 

Children  always  live  according  to  the  will  of  J 
the  Father,  and  never  break  the  five  command- 
ments. They  would  never  break  them,  were 
they  not  led  into  temptation  by  their  elders. 
Men  corrupt  children  by  leading  them  into 
temptation,  and  by  teaching  them  to  break  the 
commandments.  When  they  do  so,  they  be- 
have like  one  who,  tying  a  millstone  around 
209 


210       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING. 

another's  neck,  casts  him  into  a  river.  Were 
there  no  corruption,  the  world  would  have 
happiness.  The  world  is  unhappy  only  through 
corruption.  Corruption  is  an  evil  which  men 
commit  for  the  pretended  good  of  their  tem- 
poral life.  Corruption  ruins  men,  therefore  we 
must  sacrifice  everything  in  order  not  to  suc- 
cumb to  it.  The  temptation  to  sin  against  the 
first  commandment  is  that  men  account  them- 
selves upright  in  the  sight  of  their  fellows,  and 
others  as  indebted  to  them.  In  order  not  to  fall 
into  this  temptation  men  should  remember  the 
infinite  debt  which  all  men  owe  to  the  Father, 
and  that  they  can  only  acquit  themselves  of 
this  debt  by  showing  forgiveness  to* their 
brethren. 

Therefore  men  must  forgive  offences  against 
themselves,  and  not  be  moved  to  anger  even 
though  the  offender  trespass  again  and  again. 
However  many  times  a  man  is  wronged,  he 
must  forgive  and  bear  no  malice,  for  the  king- 
dom of  Heaven  is  only  possible  where  there  is 
forgiveness.  If  we  do  not  forgive,  we  do  the 
same  as  the  debtor  did.  A  debtor,  who  owed 
much,  came  to  the  master  and  asked  to  be  for- 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S   TEACHING.      211 

given  his  debts.  The  master  forgave  him  all. 
The  debtor  went  forth  and  tormented  another 
man  whose  debt  to  him  was  small.  That  we 
may  have  life,  we  must  fulfil  the  will  of  the 
Father  ;  we  ask  forgiveness  from  the  Father  of 
life  for  that  in  which  we  fail  to  fulfil  His  will, 
and  we  hope  to  obtain  that  forgiveness.  What 
do  we,  then,  when  we  ourselves  do  not  forgive  ? 
We  avoid  to  do  for  others  that  which  we  crave 
for  ourselves. 

The  will  of  the  Father  is  happiness,  and  evil 
is  that  which  separates  us  from  the  Father. 
How  should  we  not,  then,  try  to  put  an  end  to 
evil  as  quickly  as  possible?  for  evil  ruins  us 
and  deprives  us  of  life.  Evil  plunges  us  into 
bodily  ruin.  As  much  as  we  undo  this  evil,  so 
much  do  we  acquire  of  life.  If  evil  does  not 
divide  us,  and  we  are  united  in  love,  we  have 
all  that  we  can  wish  to  have. 

The  temptation  to  sin  against  the  second 
commandment  is  that  we  believe  ourselves  to 
have  been  created  for  the  pleasures  of  the  flesh, 
and  that,  by  leaving  one  wife  and  taking  an- 
other, we  add  to  those  pleasures.  In  order  not 
u>  fall  into  this  temptation,  we  must  remember 


212       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

that  the  will  of  the  Father  is  not  that  a  man 
should  find  comfort  in  the  beauty  of  a  woman, 
but  that,  having  chosen  a  wife,  he  should  form 
with  her  one  flesh.  The  will  of  the  Father  is 
that  every  man  should  have  a  wife,  and  that 
every  woman  should  have  a  husband.  If  eacli 
man  have  but  one  wife,  all  men  will  have 
wives,  and  all  wives  husbands.  Therefore 
whoever  changes  his  wife,  deprives  a  wife  of  a 
husband,  and  gives  occasion  to  another  husband 
to  leave  his  own  wife  and  take  the  forsaken 
one.  It  is  allowable  to  have  no  wife,  but  not 
to  have  more  than  one,  for  that  is  contrary  to 
the  will  of  the  Father,  which  consists  in  the 
union  of  one  husband  and  one  wife. 

The  temptation  to  sin  against  the  third  com- 
mandment is  that  men,  for  the  happiness  of 
temporal  life,  have  instituted  authorities  and 
governments,  and  require  oaths  to  be  taken  to 
fulfil  the  obligations  imposed  by  them.  In 
order  not  to  fall  into  this  temptation,  we  must 
remember  that  we  are  bound  to  answer  for  our 
lives  to  no  one  but  to  God.  Men  should  look 
on  these  demands  of  the  civil  authorities  as 
being  acts  of  violence,  and,  according  to   the 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       213 

commandment,  not  to  resist  evil,  they  should 
give  up  and  fulfil  what  is  required  of  them,  give 
their  property  and  their  labor,  but  they  cannot 
give  promises  and  oaths  which  bind  their 
actions.  Oaths  which  are  imposed  on  men 
make  men  evil.  A  man  who  believes  his  life  to 
depend  on  the  will  of  the  Father,  cannot  prom- 
ise what  his  actions  shall  be,  because  for  such  a 
man  nothing  is  more  sacred  than  his  own  life. 

The  temptation  to  sin  against  the  fourth 
commandment  is  that  men,  when  they  give 
way  to  envy  and  revenge,  think  by  such  means 
to  set  others  right.  If  a  man  offend  another, 
these  men  think  it  necessary  to  punish  him, 
and  that  it  is  right  to  try  to  condemn  him. 

In  order  not  to  fall  into  this  temptation,  we 
must  remember  that  men  are  told  not  to  judge 
but  to  save  one  another,  and  that  they  them- 
selves, committing  injustice,  cannot  judge  of 
what  is  unjust  in  others.  Men  can  do  but  one 
thing  —  teach  others  by  giving  an  example  of 
purity,  forgiveness,  and  love. 

The  temptation  to  sin  against  the  fifth  com- 
mandment is  that  men  think  there  is  a  differ- 
ence between  their  fellow-countrymen  and  for- 


21-4       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

eigners,  and  that  consequently  it  is  necessary 
to  defend  themselves  against  other  nations  and 
to  injure  them.  In  order  not  to  fall  into  this 
temptation,  we  must  know  that  all  the  com- 
mandments are  expressed  in  one,  the  fulfilment 
of  the  will  of  the  Father,  who  gives  life  and 
happiness  to  all  men  alike,  and  we  must  do  the 
same  good  to  all  men.  If  other  men  make  a 
difference,  and  nations,  because  they  account 
each  other  foreigners,  make  war  on  each  other, 
each  of  us  notwithstanding  should  fulfil  the 
will  of  the  Father,  and  do  good  to  every  man, 
even  though  he  belong  to  another  nationality 
and  make  war  on  our  own. 

In  order  not  to  fall  into  any  of  the  errors  by 
which  man  is  beset,  we  must  keep  our  minds 
fixed  on  spiritual  things,  and  not  on  those 
which  concern  the  body.  If  a  man  once  under- 
stand that  only  in  the  will  of  the  Father  he  has 
the  life  which  he  at  the  moment  lives,  no  priva- 
tion, no  suffering,  nor  even  death  itself  can 
terrify  him.  Only  he  really  lives  who  is  ready 
at  any  moment  to  give  his  bodily  life  for  the 
fulfilment  of  the  will  of  the  Father. 

In   order   that   all   men    might    understand 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.     215 

that  there  is  no  death  for  those  who  truly 
live,  Jesus  said,  The  life  eternal  must  not  be 
understood  as  being  like  the  present  life. 
Time  and  place  are  not  in  the  true  life  which 
is  in  the  will  of  the  Father. 

Those  who  have  awakened  to  the  true  life 
live  in  the  will  of  the  Father,  and  the  will 
of  the  Father  knows  neither  time  nor  place. 
They  are  alive  for  the  Father.  If  they  have 
died,,  for  us,  they  are  alive  for  God.  This  is 
why  one  commandment  includes  all ;  love 
with  all  your  strength  the  origin  of  life,  and, 
as  a  consequence,  every  man  who  bears  within 
himself  that  origin. 

And  Jesus  said,  That  origin  of  life  is  the 
Christ  whom  you  expect.  The  understanding 
of  this  origin  of  life,  for  whom  there  are  no 
persons,  no  time,  aud  no  place,  is  the  very 
Son  of  Man  of  whom  I  have  taught  you. 
Whatever  hides  from  men  this  origin  of  life 
is  seduction.  There  is  the  seduction  of  Scribes 
and  Pharisees,  give  not  way  to  it ;  there  is  the 
seduction  of  power,  give  not  way  to  it;  and 
there  is  again  the  most  dangerous  seduction, 
that  of  the  teachers  of  religion  who  call  them- 


216        THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

selves  orthodox.  Beware  of  this  above  all 
others,  because  these  self-styled  teachers  have 
invented  a  false  system  of  worship,  and  would 
allure  you  from  the  true  God. 

Instead  of  serving  the  Father  of  life  by 
works,  they  have  put  words  in  their  place, 
they  teach  words  and  themselves  do  nothing, 
therefore  you  can  learn  nothing  but  words 
from  them.  The  Father  needs  not  words  but 
deeds.  They  have  nothing  to  teach,  because 
they  know  nothing,  but  for  personal  ad- 
vantage they  call  themselves  teachers.  But 
you  know  that  no  one  can  be  a  teacher  of 
others.  There  is  but  one  teacher  for  all,  the 
Lord  of  Life,  the  spirit.  These  self-styled 
teachers,  thinking  to  teach  others,  deprive 
themselves  of  the  true  life  and  prevent  others 
from  knowing  it.  They  teach  men  to  please 
their  God  by  external  rites,  and  believe  that 
oaths  can  bring  men  to  faith.  They  care  only 
for  outward  things.  If  there  be  but  the  ap- 
pearance of  faith,  they  care  not  for  what  is  in 
the  hearts  of  men.  They  are  like  pompous 
sepulchres,  outside  beautiful,  and  within  an 
abomination.     They  honor  the  saints  and  mar- 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       217 

tyrs  with  words,  but  they  are  the  same  who 
formerly  put  them  to  death,  and  now  they 
would  kill  and  torment  the  saints.  From 
them  come  all  the  temptations  of  the  world, 
for  they  offer  evil  in  the  name  of  good.  Their 
temptation  is  the  root  of  all  temptation,  for 
they  have  reviled  all  that  is  sacred  on  earth. 
They  will  remain  long  unconverted,  they  will 
continue  to  practise  their  deceptions,  and  to 
increase  the  sum  of  evil  in  the  world ;  but  the 
time  will  come  when  all  their  temples  will  be 
thrown  down,  all  their  outward  worship  abol- 
ished, and  then  men  will  understand  and  be 
united  through  love  in  the  service  of  the  one 
Father  of  life,  and  in  the  fulfilment  of  His 
will. 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE   STRUGGLE   AGAINST    TEMPTATION. 

Therefore  to  get  rid  of  evil,  we  must  every  hour 
of  our  life  be  in  unity  with  the  Father. 
(Lead  us  not  into  temptation.) 

The  Jews  saw  that  the  teaching  of  Jesus 
destroyed  their  state  religion  and  nationality, 
and  saw  at  the  same  time  that  they  could  not 
refute  his  teaching,  so  they  resolved  to  kill 
him.  The  innocence  of  Jesus  and  the  justice 
of  his  cause  stayed  them  for  a  time,  but  the 
High  Priest  Caiaphas  bethought  him  of  a 
means  of  having  Jesus  put  to  death,  notwith- 
standing his  innocence.  Caiaphas  said,  They 
had  no  need  to  inquire  whether  this  man  was 
innocent  or  not,  for  the  question  was  whether 
they  wished  the  Jewish^  nation  to  remain  one 
and  indivisible,  or  that  it  should  perish  and  be 
lost  among  others.  Our  nation  will  perish  and 
be  lost,  if  we  let  this  man  alone  and  do  not 
kill  him.  This  argument  was  decisive,  and 
218 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       219 

the  Pharisees  condemned  Jesus  to  death,  and 
called  upon  the  people  to  seize  him  as  soon  as 
he  appeared  in  Jerusalem. 

Jesus,  though  he  knew  of  this,  came  at  the 
feast  of  Easter  to  Jerusalem  His  disciples 
would  have  persuaded  him  not  to  go  there,  but 
Jesus  said,  Whatever  the  Pharisees  may  wish 
to  do  unto  me,  whatever  others  may  do,  noth- 
ing can  change  what  is  for  me  the  truth.  If  I 
see,. the  light,  I  know  where  I  am,  and  whither 
I  go.  Only  he  who  knows  not  truth  can  fear 
anything  or  doubt  of  anything.  He  alone 
stumbles  who  does  not  see. 

So  he  went  to  Jerusalem.  On  the  way  he 
stopped  at  Bethany.  There  Mary  poured  upon 
him  a  vessel  of  costly  ointment.  Jesus,  know- 
ing that  bodily  death  awaited  him,  said  to  his 
disciples,  who  reproached  Mary  for  having 
anointed  him  with  ointment  so  costly  as  spike- 
nard, that  it  was  a  preparation  of  his  body  for 
death. 

When  Jesus  left  Bethany  and  went  to  Jeru- 
salem a  great  multitude  met  him  and  followed 
him,  and  this  the  more  persuaded  the  Pharisees 
of  the  necessity  of  putting  him  to  death.    They 


220       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

only  waited  for  an  opportunity  of  seizing  him. 
He  knew  that  the  slightest  imprudent  word  of 
his  against  the  law  would  be  the  pretext  for 
his  punishment,  but  notwithstanding  he  entered 
the  Temple  and  again  proclaimed  that  the  wor- 
ship of  the  Jews,  with  their  sacrifices  and 
oblations,  had  hitherto  been  false,  and  preached 
his  own  doctrines.  But  his  teaching,  founded 
on  the  prophets,  was  such  that  the  Pharisees 
were  unable  to  find  an  offence  against  the  law, 
for  which  he  might  be  condemned  to  death,  all 
the  more  that  the  greater  part  of  the  people 
were  in  his  favor. 

Now  at  the  feast  there  were  certain  heathen, 
and  they,  hearing  of  the  teaching  of  Jesus, 
wished  to  speak  with  him  about  it.  The 
disciples,  when  they  heard  of  this,  were  fright- 
ened. They  were  afraid  that  Jesus,  in  his  con- 
versation with  the  heathen,  would  betray  him- 
self, and  anger  the  people.  At  first  they 
wished  to  prevent  Jesus  meeting  them,  but 
afterwards  decided  to  tell  him  who  wished  to 
speak  with  him.  On  hearing  this  Jesus  was 
disturbed.  He  understood  that  if  he  preached 
to  gentiles  he  would  clearly  show  that  he  had 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       221 

cast  off  the  whole  of  the  Jewish  law,  would  set 
the  common  people  against  himself,  and  give 
occasion  to  the  Pharisees  for  accusing  him  of 
associating  with  the  hated  gentiles.  Jesus  was 
disturbed,  knowing  this,  but  he  knew  also  that 
his  vocation  was  to  explain  to  men,  the  sons  of 
one  Father,  their  unity  without  distinction  of 
faith.  He  knew  that  this  step  would  ruin  him 
in  his  bodily  life,  but  that  his  thus  perishing 
would  give  men  a  true  understanding  of  life, 
and  therefore  he  said,  As  the  grain  of  wheat 
must  perish  for  the  fruit  to  grow,  so  a  man 
must  lose  his  life  in  the  body  to  bring  forth  the 
fruit  of  the  spirit.  He  who  keeps  the  life  of 
the  body,  loses  the  true  life ;  and  he  who  loses 
the  life  of  the  body,  receives  the  true  life.  I 
am  troubled  by  what  awaits  me,  but  truly  up  to 
this  time  I  have  lived  only  for  that,  only  in 
order  to  live  till  this  hour ;  how  can  I  not  do 
what  I  have  to  do  ?  Therefore  at  this  hour  let 
the  will  of  the  Father  be  shown  in  me. 

Then,  turning  to  the  people,  to  the  heathen 
and  the  Jews,  Jesus  spoke  out  clearly  what  he 
had  said  only  in  private  to  Nicodemus.  He 
said,    The   life   of  mankind   with    its   various 


222       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

faiths  and  various  governments,  must  cease. 
All  human  authorities  must  come  to  an  end. 
It  is  only  necessary  to  understand  man's  posi- 
tion as  a  son  of  the  Father  of  life,  and  this  un- 
derstanding will  destroy  all  divisions  and  au- 
thorities made  among  men,  and  will  unite  all 
men  in  one  whole. 

The  Jews  said,  Thou  destroyest  all  our  re- 
ligion. According  to  our  law,  there  is  a 
Christ,  and  thou  sayest  there  is  only  a  Son  of 
Man,  and  that  he  must  be  exalted.  What 
does  this  mean  ?  He  answered  them,  To  exalt 
the  Son  of  Man  means  to  live  by  the  light  of 
the  understanding  which  is  in  men,  in  order  to 
live,  while  there  is  light,  according  to  it.  I 
teach  no  new  faith,  but  only  what  every  man 
knows  in  himself.  Every  man  knows  that  he 
has  life  in  him,  and  every  man  knows  that  life 
is  given  to  him  and  to  all  men  by  the  Father 
of  life.  My  teaching  is  only  that  you  should 
love  the  life  given  by  the  Father  to  all  men. 

Many  of  those  not  in  authority  believed 
Jesus ;  but  the  great  men  and  the  rulers  did 
not  believe,  because  they  would  not  judge  of 
his  speech  by  the  meaning  which    it  had  for 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       223 

eternity ;  they  considered  his  doctrines  only 
by  their  relation  to  him.  They  saw  that  he 
turned  the  people  away  from  them,  and  wished 
to  kill  him,  but  were  afraid  to  take  him  openly, 
so  they  desired  to  take  him,  not  in  Jerusalem 
and  in  the  light  of  day,  but  somewhere 
secretly. 

Then  there  came  to  them  one  of  the  twelve 
disciples,  called  Judas  Iscariot,  and  they  gave 
him  money  that  he  should  betray  Jesus  into 
the  hands  of  the  servants  when  he  was  not 
with  the  people.  Judas  promised  them,  and 
again  joined  Jesus,  awaiting  the  time  to  betray 
him.  On  the  first  day  of  the  feast,  Jesus  and 
the  disciples  celebrated  the  passover,  and 
Judas,  thinking  that  Jesus  did  not  know  of 
his  treachery,  was  among  them.  But  Jesus 
knew  that  Judas  had  sold  him  for  a  price, 
and,  when  they  were  all  seated  at  table,  Jesus 
took  the  bread,  broke  it  into  twelve  parts,  and 
gave  a  piece  to  each  of  the  disciples,  to  Judas 
among  the  rest,  and  without  naming  any  one, 
said,  Take,  eat  my  body. 

Then  he  took  the  cup  with  wine,  and  gave  it 
to  them,  that  all  might  drink,  and  Judas  with 


224       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

them,  saying,  One. of  you  will  shed  my  blood; 
drink  my  blood. 

Then  Jesus  arose  and  began  to  wash  the 
feet  of  all  the  disciples  and  of  Judas,  and 
when  he  had  finished,  he  said,  I  know  that 
one  of  you  will  betray  me  unto  death,  and  will 
shed  my  blood,  but  I  have  given  him  to  eat 
and  to  drink,  and  have  washed  his  feet.  I 
have  done  this  to  teach  you  how  you  should 
behave  to  those  who  do  you  evil.  If  you  act 
thus,  you  shall  be  blessed.  The  disciples  still 
continued  to  ask  which  of  them  should  be  his 
betrayer.  Jesus,  however,  would  not  name 
him,  lest  they  should  punish  him.  When  it 
grew  dark  Jesus  pointed  to  Judas,  and  told 
him  to  go  out.  Judas  rose  from  the  table, 
went  out,  and  no  one  stopped  him. 

Then  Jesus  said,  This  is  what  it  is  to  elevate 
the  Son  of  Man.  To  do  so  means  to  be  loving 
like  the  Father,  not  to  those  alone  who  love 
us,  but  to  all,  even  to  those  who  do  ill  to  us. 
Therefore,  do  not  argue  about  my  teaching, 
do  not  reason  about  it  as  the  Pharisees  do ; 
but  do  what  I  have  always  done,  what  I  have 
now  done  before  you.     I  give  you  one  com- 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       225 

mandment —  love  all  men.  My  whole  teach- 
ing lies  in  this,  that  ye  love  men  always  and  to 
the  end.  After  this,  fear  fell  on  the  soul  of 
Jesus,  and  with  his  disciples  in  the  night  he 
went  into  a  garden  to  hide  himself.  On  the 
way  he  said  to  them,  You  are  none  of  you 
strong,  but  all  timid;  when  I  am  taken  you 
will  all  flee  from  me.  Then  Peter  said,  No,  I 
will  not  leave  thee,  I  will  defend  thee  even 
unto  death.  And  all  the  disciples  said  the 
same.  Then  Jesus  said  to  them,  If  it  be  so, 
prepare  for  defence ;  collect  your  stores,  for 
you  will  have  to  hide  ;  take  arms  in  order  to 
defend  yourselves.  The  disciples  said  that 
they  had  two  swords.  When  Jesus  heard 
them  speak  of  swords,  he  was  grieved  in  his 
heart,  and  going  to  a  solitary  place  he  began  to 
pray,  telling  his  disciples  to  do  the  same,  but 
they  did  not  understand  him.  Jesus  said, 
Father,  put  an  end  to  the  struggle  of  tempta- 
tion within  me.  Strengthen  me  to  the  fulfil- 
ment of  Thy  will ;  I  desire  not  my  own  will, 
the  defence  of  the  life  of  my  body;  I  desire  Thy 
will,  in  order  not  to  resist  evil.  The  disciples 
still  understood  not.     He  said  to  them,  Think 


226       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

not  of  the  flesh,  but  strive  to  raise  yourselves 
in  the  spirit ;  the  spirit  is  strong,  but  the  flesh 
is  weak.  And  again  he  said,  Father,  if  this 
suffering  be  inevitable,  let  me  bear  it ;  but  in 
all  my  suffering  I  desire  only  that  Thy  will, 
and  not  mine,  be  done.  The  disciples  did  not 
understand.  Then  again  Jesus  struggled  with 
his  temptation,  and  at  length  conquered  it, 
and  coming  to  the  disciples  said,  Now  all  is 
decided,  you  may  be  at  peace  ;  I  will  not  con- 
tend, but  will  give  myself  into  the  hands  of  the 
men  of  this  world. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE  FAREWELL   DISCOURSE. 

Personal  life  is  a  deception  of  the  flesh,  an  evil. 
True  life  is  the  life  which  is  common  to  all 
men.     (But  deliver  us  from  the  evil  one.) 

Jesus,  feeling  himself  ready  for  death,  went 
forth  to  give  himself  up.  Peter  stopped  him, 
and  asked  him  whither  he  was  going.  Jesus 
answered,  I  am  going  whither  thou  canst  not 
come.  I  am  ready  for  death,  and  thou  art  not 
yet  ready  Peter  said,  Not  so ;  I  am  now 
ready  to  lay  down  my  life  for  thee.  Jesus 
answered  that  a  man  can  promise  nothing. 
He  said  to  his  disciples,  I  know  that  death 
awaits  me,  but  I  believe  in  the  life  of  the 
Father,  and  therefore  do  not  fear  death.  Be 
not  troubled  by  my  death,  but  believe  in  the 
true  God  and  in  the  Father  of  life,  and  then 
my  death  will  not  seem  terrible  to  you.  If  I 
am  united  with  the  Father  of  life,  I  cannot  lose 
227 


228       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

life.  It  is  true  that  I  do  not  tell  you  the  how 
and  the  where  of  life  after  death,  but  I  show 
you  the  way  into  true  life.  My  teaching  does 
not  speak  of  what  life  will  do,  but  points  out 
the  only  true  way  to  life,  by  union  with  the 
Father.  The  Father  is  the  beginning  of  life. 
My  teaching  is  that  life  is  in  the  will  of  the 
Father,  and  that  the  fulfilment  of  His  will 
gives  life  and  happiness  to  all  men.  Your 
guide,  when  I  am  no  longer  with  you,  will  be 
your  knowledge  of  the  truth.  While  you  fulfil 
my  teaching,  you  will  always  feel  that  you  are 
in  the  truth,  that  the  Father  is  in  you,  and  you 
are  in  the  Father.  And  you,  knowing  the 
Father  within  you,  will  feel  that  peace  which 
nothing  can  take  from  you.  Therefore,  if  you 
know  the  truth  and  live  in  it,  neither  my 
death  nor  your  own  can  alarm  you. 

Men  imagine  that  each  has  a  separate  exis- 
tence in  his  own  individual  will ;  but  this  is 
a  deception.  The  only  true  life  is  that  which 
acknowledges  the  source  of  life  in  the  will  of 
the  Father.  My  teaching  unfolds  this  unity  of 
life,  and  represents  life,  not  as  consisting  of 
separate  branches,  but  as    the   one    tree    from 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       229 

which  all  branches  grow.  Only  he  who  lives 
in  the  will  of  the  Father,  like  the  branch  on  a 
tree,  really  lives,  and  he  who  lives  by  his  own 
will,  perishes  like  the  branch  which  drops  off. 
The  Father  gave  away  my  life  for  the  triumph 
of  good,  and  I  have  taught  you  to  live  for  this 
victory.  If  you  fulfil  my  commandments,  you 
will  be  blessed.  The  commandment  in  which 
my  whole  teaching  is  expressed  is  this  only, 
that  all  men  should  love  one  another.  Love 
consists  in  the  laying  down  of  our  bodily  life 
for  others.  There  is  no  other  explanation  of 
love.  When  you  fulfil  my  commandment  of 
love,  you  will  not  be  as  slaves  that  without 
understanding  obey  their  master's  orders,  but 
as  free  men,  free  as  I  myself  am,  for  I  have 
explained  to  you  the  meaning  of  life  which 
follows  on  the  knowledge  of  the  Father  of  life. 
You  have  accepted  my  teaching,  not  because 
you  have  chosen  it  by  chance,  but  because  it 
is  the  only  true  teaching,  and  alone  can  make 
men  free. 

The  teaching  of  the  world  is  to  do  evil  to 
men ;  my  teaching  is  to  love  one  another,  and 
therefore  the  world   has  hated  you  as  it  has 


230       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

hated  me.  The  world  does  not  understand  my 
teaching,  and  therefore  it  will  persecute  you, 
and  do  you  evil  in  the  belief  that  by  doing  so 
it  is  serving  God.  Be  not,  then,  astonished  at 
this,  and  understand  that  this  must  be  so. 
The  world,  not  understanding  the  true  God, 
must  persecute  you,  and  you  must  uphold  the 
truth. 

Do  not  sorrow  because  they  kill  me,  for  they 
will  do  so  because  I  uphold  the  truth.  There- 
fore, my  death  is  needed  that  truth  may  be 
upheld.  My  death,  in  which  I  do  not  renounce 
the  truth,  shall  strengthen  you,  and  you  will 
understand  what  is  false  and  what  is  true,  and 
what  follows  from  the  knowledge  of  falsehood 
and  of  truth.  You  will  understand  that  the 
error  lies  in  this,  that  men  believe  in  the  life  of 
the  body,  and  do  not  believe  in  the  life  of  the 
spirit ;  that  the  truth  lies  in  union  with  the 
Father;  and  that  from  this  follows  the  victory 
of  the  spirit  over  the  flesh. 

When  my  life  in  the  body  has  ceased,  my 
spirit  will  be  with  you.  But  you,  like  all  other 
men,  will  not  always  feel  in  you  the  strength 
of  the  spirit.     You  will  sometimes  grow  weak 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       231 

and  lose  its  strength ;  you  will  fall  into  tempta- 
tion, and  again  at  times  awaken  to  the  true 
life.  You  will  be  often  subject  to  the  enslav- 
ing enticements  of  the  flesh,  but  that  will  be 
only  for  a  'ime ;  you  will  have  to  suffer  and  to 
be  born  again  in  the  spirit ;  as  a  woman  suffers 
in  the  pains  of  childbirth,  and  then  feels  the 
joy  of  having  brought  a  man  into  the  world,  so 
will  you  feel,  when,  after  the  enslavements  of 
the  flesh,  the  spirit  within  you  is  roused  again 
to  life.  Then  you  will  feel  a  happiness  and  a 
peace  that  leaves  you  nothing  more  to  desire. 
Know,  then,  beforehand,  that,  notwithstanding 
persecution,  internal  struggles,  and  the  weaken- 
ing of  the  spirit,  the  spirit  is  alive  in  you,  and 
that  the  only  true  God  is  the  understanding  of 
the  will  of  the  Father,  which  has  been  unfolded 
to  you  by  me. 

Then  addressing  himself  to  the  Father-Spirit, 
Jesus  said,  I  have  done  what  Thou  hast  com- 
manded me,  I  have  revealed  to  men  that  Thou 
art  the  beginning  of  all.  And  they  have 
understood  me.  I  have  taught  them  that  they 
have  all  proceeded  from  one  source  of  infinite 
life,  and  that  therefore  they  are  all  one ;  that 


232       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

as  the  Father  is  in  me,  and  I  in  the  Father,  so 
are  they  one  with  me,  and  with  the  Father.  I 
have  revealed  to  them  that  as  Thou  in  love  hast 
sent  them  into  the  world,  so  they  through  love 
must  live  in  the  world. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE  VICTORY  OF  THE  SPIRIT  OVER  THE  FLESH. 

Therefore  for  the  man  who  lives  not  a  personal 
life,  but  in  the  common  life  which  is  through 
the  will  of  the  Father,  there  is  no  evil.  The 
Aeath  of  the  body  is  union  with  the  Father, 
{Thine  be  the  kingdom,  the  power,  and  the 
glory,') 

When  Jesus  had  finished  his  discourse  to 
his  disciples,  he  arose,  and,  instead  of  escaping 
or  defending  himself,  he  went  to  meet  Judas, 
who  had  brought  soldiers  to  take  him.  Jesus 
went  up  to  him  and  asked  him  why  he  was 
there.  Judas  gave  no  reply,  and  a  crowd  of 
soldiers  surrounded  Jesus.  Peter  rushed  to 
defend  his  teacher,  and,  drawing  his  sword, 
began  to  fight ;  but  Jesus  stopped  him,  saying 
that  whoso  takes  the  sword  shall  himself  perish 
by  the  sword,  and  ordered  him  to  give  up  his 
sword.  Then  Jesus  said  to  those  who  came  to 
take  him,  I  formerly  went  amongst  you  alone 
233 


234       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

without  fear,  and  now  I  fear  you  not,  and  give 
myself  up  unto  you.  You  may  do  with  me 
what  you  will.  And  then  all  the  disciples 
forsook  him  and  fled.  Jesus  remained  alone. 
The  officer  ordered  the  soldiers  to  bind  him 
and  take  him  to  Annas,  who  had  been  high 
priest,  and  lived  in  the  same  house  with 
Caiaphas,  the  latter  being  the  then  high  priest. 
It  was  he  who  thought  of  the  pretext  which 
decided  the  Jews  to  kill  Jesus  — either  they 
must  kill  him  or  the  whole  nation  must  perish. 
Jesus,  feeling  himself  in  the  hands  of  the 
Father,  was  ready  for  death,  and  did  not  resist 
when  he  was  seized,  nor  did  he  fear  when  they 
led  him  away.  Peter,  who  had  just  before 
promised  Jesus  that  he  would  not  abandon 
him,  but  would  lay  down  his  life  for  him,  who 
had  tried  to  defend  him,  now  when  he  saw  that 
Jesus  was  led  away  to  punishment,  was  afraid 
that  he  might  suffer  with  him,  and  to  the  ques- 
tions of  the  servants,  whether  he  were  not  one 
of  Jesus'  followers,  denied  it,  and  went  away, 
and  only  afterwards,  when  he  heard  the  cock 
crow,  did  he  understand  all  that  Jesus  had  said 
to  him.     He  understood   that   there   are   two 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       235 

temptations  of  the  flesh,  that  of  fear  and  that 
of  using  violence ;  he  understood  then  that 
Jesus  had  struggled  against  these  temptations 
when  he  prayed  in  the  garden,  and  invited  his 
disciples  to  pray.  Now  he  had  himself  fallen 
into  both  these  temptations  of  the  flesh  against 
which  Jesus  had  warned  him  ;  he  had  tried  to 
resist  evil  by  violence,  and  to  defend  truth  by 
fighting  and  evil-doing ;  he  had  been  unable  to 
withstand  the  fear  of  bodily  suffering,  and  had 
denied  his  teacher.  Jesus  had  not  given  way 
to  the  temptations  of  resistance  when  his  disci- 
ples had  secured  two  swords  to  defend  him 
with,  nor  to  the  temptation  of  fear  when  he 
stood  before  the  people  in  Jerusalem  in  the 
presence  of  the  heathen,  nor  when  the  soldiers 
came  to  bind  him  and  lead  him  to  his  trial. 

Jesus  was  brought  to  Caiaphas.  Caiaphas 
asked  Jesus  as  to  his  teaching,  but  Jesus, 
knowing  that  Caiaphas  questioned  him  not  in 
order  to  know  what  his  teaching  was  but  only 
in  order  to  accuse  him,  gave  no  direct  answer, 
but  said,  I  have  concealed  nothing,  and  conceal 
nothing ;  if  thou  wouldst  know  what  my  teach- 
ing is,  ask  of  those  who  have  heard  and  under- 


236        THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

stood  it.  For  this,  one  of  the  servitors  of  the 
high  priest  struck  Jesus  on  the  cheek,  and 
Jesus  asked  why  he  had  struck  him.  The  man 
gave  no  answer,  and  the  high  priest  proceeded 
with  the  trial.  They  brought  witnesses  to 
prove  that  Jesus  had  boasted  of  destroying  the 
Jewish  religion.  The  high  priest  again  ques- 
tioned Jesus;  but  he,  seeing  that  the  other 
questioned  him  not  to  learn  anything  but  only 
to  keep  up  the  appearance  of  justice,  answered 
nothing. 

Then  the  high  priest  asked  him  to  say  if  he 
were  Christ,  the  Son  of  God.  Jesus  answered, 
Yes,  I  am  Christ,  the  Son  of  God  ;  and  now, 
while  persecuting  me  you  will  see  that  the  Son 
of  Man  is  equal  to  God. 

And  the  high  priest  rejoiced  over  these 
words,  and  said  to  the  other  judges,  Are  not 
these  words  sufficient  to  condemn  him?  And 
the  judges  answered  that  they  were,  and  con- 
demned him  to  death.  When  they  had  said 
this,  the  crowd  threw  themselves  upon  Jesus, 
and  they  beat  him,  spat  in  his  face,  and  abused 
him,  but  he  held  his  peace. 

The  Jews  had  no  power  to  put  a  man  to 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       237 

death,  they  required  a  decision  from  the  Roman 
governor ;  and  therefore,  having  condemned 
Jesus  according  to  their  law,  and  abused  him, 
they  brought  him  before  Pilate,  that  he  should 
order  him  to  be  put  to  death.  Pilate  asked 
why  they  wished  for  his  death,  and  thejr 
answered,  Because  he  is  an  evil  man.  Pilate 
said,  If  he  is  an  evil  doer,  judge  him  according 
to  your  law.  They  replied,  We  desire  that 
thou  shouldst  put  him  to  death,  because  he  has 
sinned  against  Caesar :  he  is  a  rebel,  he  has  set 
the  people  at  variance,  he  forbids  tribute  to  be 
paid  to  Caesar,  and  calls  himself  the  King  of 
the  Jews.  Pilate  called  Jesus  to  him  and  said, 
What  means  this?  how  art  thou  King  of  the 
Jews?  Jesus  said,  Wouldst  thou  really  know 
what  my  kingdom  is,  or  dost  thou  ask  me  only 
for  appearance  sake?  Pilate  answered,  I  am 
no  Jew,  and  it  is  the  same  to  me  whether  thou 
callest  thyself  the  King  of  the  Jews  or  not ; 
but  I  ask  thee  what  man  art  thou,  and  why  do 
they  say  that  thou  art  a  King?  Jesus  said, 
They  say  truly  that  I  call  myself  a  King.  I  am 
a  King,  but  my  kingdom  is  not  of  this  world 
but  of  heaven.     Earthly  kings  kill   and  fight, 


238       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

and  they  have  soldiers  to  aid  them,  but  thou 
seest  that  I  do  not  resist,  though  I  have  been 
bound  and  beaten.  I  am  a  heavenly  King,  and 
all-powerful  in  the  spirit. 

Pilate  said,  Then  it  is  true  that  thou  callest 
thyself  a  King?  Jesus  answered,  Thou  know- 
est  it  thyself.  Every  man  who  lives  in  the 
truth  is  free.  By  this  alone  I  live,  and  for  this 
alone  I  teach ;  I  reveal  to  men  the  truth  that 
they  are  free  through  the  spirit.  Pilate  said, 
Thou  teachest  truth,  but  no  one  knows  what 
truth  is,  and  each  has  his  own  conception  of 
the  truth.  And  having  said  this,  he  turned 
from  Jesus  and  went  again  unto  the  Jews,  and 
said  to  them,  I  find  no  fault  in  this  man.  Why 
would  you  put  him  to  death?  The  priests 
answered  that  he  deserved  death  because  he 
roused  the  people  to  revolt.  Then  Pilate,  in 
the  presence  of  the  high  priests,  began  to  ques- 
tion Jesus ;  but  Jesus,  seeing  that  he  was  only 
questioned  for  form's  sake,  answered  nothing. 
Then  Pilate  said,  I  alone  cannot  condemn  him  ; 
take  him  before  Herod. 

In  Herod's  court  Jesus  gave  no  answer  to 
the  accusations  of  the  high  priests;  and  Herod, 


THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING.       239 

taking  him  for  an  idle  boaster,  ordered  him  to 
be  arrayed  in  a  gorgeous  garment,  and  sent 
him  back  to  Pilate.  Pilate  pitied  Jesus,  and 
would  have  persuaded  the  high  priest  to  par- 
don him,  if  but  in  honor  of  the  feast ;  but  the 
priests  held  to  what  they  had  said,  and  they 
and  all  the  people  after  them  cried  aloud,  Let 
him  be  crucified  !  Pilate  a  second  time  tried 
to  persuade  them  to  let  Jesus  go,  but  the 
priests  and  the  people  still  cried  that  he  must 
be  put  to  death.  They  said,  He  is  guilty  in 
that  he  calls  himself  the  Son  of  God.  Pilate 
again  called  Jesus  before  him,  and  asked  him, 
What  does  it  mean  that  thou  callest  thyself  the 
Son  of  God?  Who  art  thou?  Jesus  answered 
nothing.  Then  Pilate  said,  Why  dost  thou  not 
answer  me,  when  I  have  power  to  put  thee  to 
death  or  to  set  thee  free?  Jesus  answered, 
Thou  hast  no  power  over  me.  Power  cometh 
only  from  above.  Then  Pilate  for  the  third 
time  tried  to  persuade  the  Jews  to  let  Jesus  go, 
but  they  said,  If  thou  dost  not  put  to  death  this 
man  whom  we  have  shown  to  be  a  rebel  against 
Ceesar,  thou  thyself  art  not  a  friend  but  an 
enemy   of    Caesar.     On    hearing   these   words 


240        THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

Pilate  gave  way,  and  ordered  Jesus  to  be  put 
to  death  ;  but  first  lie  had  him  stripped  and 
scourged,  and  then  again  clothed  him  in  a  gor- 
geous robe,  when  he  was  beaten,  mocked,  and 
abused.  Then  they  gave  him  a  cross  to  carry, 
brought  him  to  the  place  of  punishment,  and 
crucified  him.  And  when  Jesus  was  hanging 
on  the  cross  all  the  people  reviled  him.  To  all 
this  he  answered,  Father,  forgive  them,  for 
they  know  not  what  they  do.  And  again, 
when  death  was  near,  he  said,  My  Father,  into 
Thy  hands  I  give  my  spirit;  and  bending  his 
head  he  gave  up  the  ghost. 


THE  CONCLUSION. 

TO  UNDERSTAND  LIFE  IS  TO  DO  GOOD. 

The  good  tidings  of  Jesus  Christ  is  the  revelation 
of  the  understanding  of  life* 

To  understand  life  we  must  know  that  the 
source  of  life  is  infinite  good,  and  that  conse- 
quently the  life  of  man  is  the  same.  To  under- 
stand this  source  we  must  know  that  the  spirit 
of  life  in  man  proceeds  from  it.  Man,  who 
before  did  not  exist,  was  called  into  being  by 
this  cause  of  life.  This  cause  gave  happiness 
to  man,  and  therefore  happiness  is  in  its  nature. 

In  order  not  to  be  led  away  from  the  source 
of  his  life,  man  must  keep  to  the  only  property 
of  this  source  which  he  can  understand,  the 
happiness  of  the  works  of  love.  Therefore  the 
life  of  man  must  be  devoted  to  happiness,  i.e., 
to  good  works  and  to  love.  Man  can  do  good 
to  none  but  his  fellow-men.  All  individual  de- 
sires of   the  flesh   are  irreconcilable  with   the 

241 


242       THE  SPIRIT  OF  CHRIST'S  TEACHING. 

source  of  good,  and  therefore  man  must  re- 
nounce them,  and  sacrifice  the  life  of  his  body 
to  the  cause  of  goodness,  and  to  active  love 
for  his  neighbor.  From  the  understanding  of 
life  as  revealed  by  Jesus  Christ,  follows  love  to 
our  neighbor.  There  are  two  proofs  of  the 
truth  of  this  understanding ;  one  is  that  for 
those  who  do  not  accept  it  the  cause  of  life  ap- 
pears an  illusion  which  leads  men  to  desire 
such  life  and  happiness  as  they  cannot  attain ; 
the  other  is  that  man  in  his  heart  feels  love 
and  good  to  his  neighbor  to  be  the  only  true, 
free,  and  eternal  life. 


WHAT  THE  CRITICS  SAY  OF 

Crowell's  Illustrated  Edition 

OF 

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